The Crazy Fiery Wild One

While being with Phoenix it definitely felt like I was slowing down, thinking through things a little bit more, and maybe I was but then as soon as that no longer felt secure I went right back to making impulsive decisions, hence flirting with Mountain Man. After my last entry I was still in such a funk and wasn't getting any work done and burdman texted and was like want to come over and have some drinks and listen to music? And I was like YUP. I knew if I went there with how lonely and vulnerable I was feeling and had a few drinks something would happen. Something would have happened between us a long time ago if it hadn't been for Him. It was good but unsatisfying... as in too quick...and we still haven't talked about it at all. Mostly because I was too busy with school stuff to really think about it. I know a large part of why I'd always balked at the idea of it was that I'd never thought of him that way and never really thought I was attracted to him, but then ...

I want to be. I want to be ok. I want to be moved on from everything that has happened, I want to be happy. I want to appreciate all the things I have going on that are so wonderful. For whatever reason though all I can focus on is how lonely I am. It's almost like to some degree I enjoy remembering the love I felt from all these different men and then being consumed by the resulting sadness when I realize how much I miss it. I have so much work to do for WORK and for school and yet I cannot make myself focus. I'm hoping getting my thoughts out will help with that. My car was hit at the end of last month and was FINALLY ready to be picked up today and Phoenix texted me yesterday reminding me one of the plastic crates he'd borrowed for his move was still at his place and I had a bunch of his clothes to give back. Cuz yea, we're over, I was honest with him about my shadiness with Mountain Man and he rightfully was like fuck you get your shit together this is over. So I ...

I went to therapy for the first time since Bow died about a week ago now...I'm trying to take advantage of the free services school offers and I guess I'm finally ready to admit that I need help to be really be ok and process everything that has happened in the last two years.  I only got partially through my convoluted family and up to deciding to get divorced, the therapist was like, "ok we're going to pause this conversation because time is up but I have so many questions" and then we scheduled my next session. But I got upset when talking about my Sailor, and this past weekend a convo with my sister about that level of comfort you get to with someone after years together and living together and then came across some of his baby photos while cleaning my room and I just started to cry. It really is the first time since all of this that I really missed him. And then I heard birdman's voice telling me I made the choice I'm not allowed to be upset about how...

Usually I mull over these entries a little bit more before writing them... but it's late and I need to get to bed but I know I won't be able to until I get some of these thoughts out of my brain. I met Phoenix's parents and two of his 4 siblings this weekend. I definitely felt overwhelmed at first, but I think it went well. It was primarily small talk, nothing too deep, and honestly not too much about me personally. I think I was afraid there'd be a lot of questions... I'm still not entirely sure about how open or honest I should be about my past... I know they know that I was married... my convoluted family came up a bit at the end when his mom was saying once they decided what day they were having Thanksgiving that Steve would have to let me know and that we should come over anytime, and I was like yea I'm very familiar with the not celebrating holidays on their actual day. I don't know if it's a bad thing that half of me wonders if we'll make ...

So Phoenix and I decided to stay together and work on things, and they have definitely gotten better, but we both aren't sure if this is something that will evolve. And with all the people I'm meeting through school and this next chapter in my life, I'm starting to wonder if investing my time in something that we definitely know doesn't have the long term future...am I wasting time? Even if I'm really happy with him? How can you definitively say something won't evolve when you're still learning each other? On top of my own reservations with him, I have all these other emotions tied up with other men and it's certainly not helping. I've always been a firm believer that once you let someone in to your heart, they're there forever, it's just the amount of space they take up that changes with time. I definitely do still feel like this is true, but geez is it getting crowded in there. When I told burdman that I'd reconciled with Phoenix, h...

I broke up with Phoenix last night...I told him I still wanted to see him, but that I just can't continue trying and hoping for more that he clearly can't offer right now, that I can't keep putting myself out there only to feel rejected. That if he wants to see me, it will be welcomed, but that I expect him to make it happen. We just reached this point where it wasn't fun and easy anymore and I just don't have the mental capacity to hunker down and get invested and work through this. There's just too much else going on in my life, especially when I didn't want to be in a relationship in the first place. I'm bummed about it, definitely, but this really doesn't hurt compared to everything else I've been through. Plus with the "break" we took and him just continuing to push me away I'd already reached this place of indifference. We started the convo on the phone, and I finished it via email. I'm still struggling with being ab...

Letting go and moving forward is hard... I'm having a tough time this month and especially this week with memory triggers and wishing things were different. Tomorrow will mark a year since I lost my dog. That day was the worst day I've ever had and was the catalyst for me giving up on trying to do the right thing and just letting things play out with Him. This weekend will mark a year since he kissed me the very first time. I've never experienced a kiss quite like that one. There had been such a build up and the forbidden aspect of it all and my desperation to just escape what was happening in my life. That kiss was magic. Standing in the lifeguard boat, not another soul on the beach, the moon huge and bright and the sound of the ocean in the background. We were embracing each other against the wind that had started to pick up, we'd been huddled in the boat and decided it was late and time for me to get to my step mother's shore house. His arms were around me and ...

I should be doing real work... I only have tomorrow before I'm basically MIA for two weeks as bootcamp for school starts!!! OMG It's finally HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH! I got my student ID card yesterday. I'm more than stoked about the whole thing. YAY SCHOOL! I just had my first sanctioned tournament as a frisbee player! And when I played, I played well! Things with Phoenix are pretty great, we have our first real date tomorrow and I'm very excited.  I'm still not entirely sure how invested in him I am, but I do know I wouldn't just randomly decide I didn't want to see him anymore, it would take me not being happy in our relationship for things to end even if someone from past crept up. So overall life is pretty baller, but that doesn't seem to keep the sad sads away when memories of Him are triggered. A year ago today was when we had Walleye and Cider and he found out I was getting divorced. A year ago today birdman asked near the end of the n...

So it's about time for an update... Things are still progressing with Phoenix and quite nicely actually. It's gotten a bit more serious lately but it hasn't scared me off, but it has caused me to really evaluate my feelings. I had a convo with the birdman recently where we discussed that I may not actually really know what love is to a degree... that I thought I loved the Sailor and then the things I felt with Him were so much deeper than any of that had ever been but then how much of that was real considering the circumstances? Phoenix used the L word while falling asleep last week and apparently I have muttered it too. He asked me about it on Saturday and I basically ended up telling him that right now I don't trust myself and that the next time I say those words to someone, I want to make sure I really mean them. I have definitely thought "love" when I'm with him, I genuinely care about him and I like him in my life. But I still don't see long ter...

Was it special, was any of it real, those are the thoughts that keep running through my head as of late. When I met the Lumberjack, it was the first time I thought that yea maybe I can connect with someone the way I did with Him. But Lumberjack was still so wrapped up in his ex... I tried so hard to show him that he could trust me, that it was ok to have fun again... I put so much effort into all of that and completely forgot that I was putting myself out there too... With Phoenix I'm trying really hard not to overthink things and get lost in my head, but he's saying all these things that HE said to me. All these things that I believed... but then he didn't choose me in the end so how could all of those things still be true? Will this one change his mind too? Maybe that's what I'm so afraid of...that I'll give it my all again only to become a mistake again. That I'll trust someone again only to have my heart shattered. I know I'm also afraid that I hav...

Soooo it's day 40, and I broke my vow... Well maybe just part of the vow. But have decided that it doesn't mean I can't still be focused on myself, and this year of me and getting my shit together. I broke it on the 9th... ugh. I was doing so well! Like really well. Was sincerely enjoying the lack of clutter in my brain and just being in this totally relaxed head space when I was meeting people. But I met this boy, and yea I say boy because I don't view him as a man but every time we hang out he kind of changes my mind about that. He's two years younger than me, but he's also an engineer, mechanical, and he plays frisbee professionally! Like he actually gets paid to travel and go play frisbee. So awesome. He's the captain of my summer league team, which is how I met him. We're going to refer to him as Phoenix. The first few times we hungout it was totally fine and in group settings. At the end of the third group hangout I got the vibe that maybe ...

Today is day 19! They say it takes 21 days to break any habit, so I guess I'm almost in the clear?? Honestly though I already do feel such a change in my state of mind. My last date was April 28th, and the last time I slept with someone was April 25th. Neither experience was anything to write home about... if anything I think both helped push me towards the decision to just cut that all out of my life for now. I just had these moments where it was like I don't actually want to be here... why am I doing this? I know part of it was wanting a distraction... to have other things to think about so that I wouldn't think about Him or ruminate over the Sailor already having moved on or wondering how the Lumberjack is doing and if things are working out with his ex... or even if Mountain Man still thinks of me. Just because the Sailor bought a place with someone doesn't mean I need to be rushing that aspect of my life...Mountain Man lives in fucking Alaska so that's ju...

Woo! Conquered my first weekend of celibacy! This endeavor of mine if going to be quite hard but I truly believe making this commitment and promise to myself is exactly what I need to ensure that I learn to value myself and stop seeking validation from men. At 6:00pm last Thursday, I decided that my first day of celibacy couldn't be a more appropriate day to get my next tattoo. My buddy, whom we'll refer to as the Burdman, will always say to me when I'm being reckless and impulsive to "Lock it Up". So a skeleton key with a heart is my symbol for locking it up. I'm gonna get my shit together, and keep my heart to myself for one whole year. I'm going to really make sure I make myself a priority because there's never been a time in my life where I was. Coming from a divorced family, and then having siblings who are a decade plus my junior, I grew up fast and have always had this sense of obligation towards all of them. Moving away to San Diego w...

Hellooooo!!! Today is the first day of the year of me! I am 25 and just received my divorcee decree yesterday. Met my husband when I was 19 in 2008. Engaged at 21. Married at 23. I left my husband July 11th, 2014. Six years with someone is a good chunk of time, and even though it was my decision to leave, divorce is heart breaking. Ending things with anyone is heart breaking and the sense of loss is sometimes overwhelming because you are literally ending life as you know it and embarking into the scary unknown. Some days are harder than others, but mostly I know that whatever is ahead is better than what I'd previously resigned myself for. Not even a month after deciding to end things, I got tangled up with a married friend. My self esteem was at an all time low and he had been a good friend for two years, someone I respected and valued. After years of not being made a priority and being made to feel shitty about myself, I fell hard for this man that was "choos...