It hurts...But not that much
I broke up with Phoenix last night...I told him I still wanted to see him, but that I just can't continue trying and hoping for more that he clearly can't offer right now, that I can't keep putting myself out there only to feel rejected. That if he wants to see me, it will be welcomed, but that I expect him to make it happen.
We just reached this point where it wasn't fun and easy anymore and I just don't have the mental capacity to hunker down and get invested and work through this. There's just too much else going on in my life, especially when I didn't want to be in a relationship in the first place.
I'm bummed about it, definitely, but this really doesn't hurt compared to everything else I've been through. Plus with the "break" we took and him just continuing to push me away I'd already reached this place of indifference.
We started the convo on the phone, and I finished it via email. I'm still struggling with being able to talk about my feelings right away and just sitting on the phone with me being silent trying to work it out in my head was just a waste of both of our time. I haven't heard from him...that's definitely driving me a little crazy, I just want to know what he's thinking or if he even cares. I spent the night on Friday at his place instead of heading down the shore like I wanted to, because I saw this coming and I wanted to give it one more chance, but I just couldn't shake this feeling that I wasn't supposed to be there, that I wasn't good for him. I just wanted to cry.
That was something I loved so much about being with Him, I never felt like that, being with him felt like home, I always felt like in his arms was exactly where I was supposed to be. I faltered last Friday and emailed him...I think I was upset enough about things with Phoenix, was already so bombarded with memory triggers that when I was driving back in from lunch and that cover of Teenage Dream came on I just needed to make sure he knew that I didn't hate him.
I had to explain that my frigidness was just me accepting that I'm an all or nothing kind of person and that expecting something from the past to mean anything now or hoping for a certain version of the future is pointless. That even though I'm privy to the worst things he's done, I still think the world of him. That I hope to god he is happy, that all of the hurt would be for fucking nothing if he wasn't. That I know he never intended to cause any hurt at all and that if he could take it away, he would. That I miss him and our friendship but am finally accepting we will never be friends again but I still hate that I don't know him anymore.
He sent me a novel back telling me he missed me too even though every time he hears or sees me at work it makes him sick and he doesn't know how much longer he can stand it. That he hates that he hurt his marriage but that it forced them to address things that they hadn't been and that things are better than they ever were. That he wants me to get over it and move on for my own sanity.
We both still don't know how to explain us...I know we both try to chalk it up to circumstance, and I know that's such a huge part of it, but this weekend at my friend's shore house, her mom was talking about what it was like when she first met her second husband. Everything she was saying, I felt that with Him. The day after we both admitted to each other that we were each other's work crush, he sent me "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak, and I in turn sent him The Horrible Crowes cover of "Teenage Dream". After that I remember not being able to eat for nearly two weeks, he was on my mind all the time and all I wanted was to be with him constantly. I loved that about us, how we used songs to talk to each other, how they both meant so much to us. The next ones that standout are Lake Street Dive, "You Go Down Smooth" from me and "I want to know what love is" by Foreigner from him.
Then he made me that mix CD, entitled Harvest Moon, which included that very song from Neil Young. All of those songs resonated...it was the most romantic and adorable thing anyone had ever done for me. The first time I listened to it I texted him saying thank you that I loved it and he said I'm so glad, it would have broken me if you didn't.
I used to think that maybe it was compatibility that we had, but I had immense compatibility with Lumberjack and even with Phoenix. With Him, it was more than that, it was this inert level of understanding. He always just "got it" without me having to really explain. Every thing he did to me and made me feel, I seemed to have the same affect on him. The mutual obsession, the same sense of wonderment about each other. That is what I crave, the kind of happy I get just from talking to him is why I keep faltering. Luckily more time passes between each relapse and I know eventually I will stop caring what he thinks.
At the end of our exchange he told me he heard Dido's "White Flag" recently and that it felt like I was singing it to him and to keep up the good work at snubbing him, that it was breaking his heart in the best way possible. I listened to song immediately and tears galore. Good god I cannot wait for the day when He and these feelings and these memories no longer control me.
We just reached this point where it wasn't fun and easy anymore and I just don't have the mental capacity to hunker down and get invested and work through this. There's just too much else going on in my life, especially when I didn't want to be in a relationship in the first place.
I'm bummed about it, definitely, but this really doesn't hurt compared to everything else I've been through. Plus with the "break" we took and him just continuing to push me away I'd already reached this place of indifference.
We started the convo on the phone, and I finished it via email. I'm still struggling with being able to talk about my feelings right away and just sitting on the phone with me being silent trying to work it out in my head was just a waste of both of our time. I haven't heard from him...that's definitely driving me a little crazy, I just want to know what he's thinking or if he even cares. I spent the night on Friday at his place instead of heading down the shore like I wanted to, because I saw this coming and I wanted to give it one more chance, but I just couldn't shake this feeling that I wasn't supposed to be there, that I wasn't good for him. I just wanted to cry.
That was something I loved so much about being with Him, I never felt like that, being with him felt like home, I always felt like in his arms was exactly where I was supposed to be. I faltered last Friday and emailed him...I think I was upset enough about things with Phoenix, was already so bombarded with memory triggers that when I was driving back in from lunch and that cover of Teenage Dream came on I just needed to make sure he knew that I didn't hate him.
I had to explain that my frigidness was just me accepting that I'm an all or nothing kind of person and that expecting something from the past to mean anything now or hoping for a certain version of the future is pointless. That even though I'm privy to the worst things he's done, I still think the world of him. That I hope to god he is happy, that all of the hurt would be for fucking nothing if he wasn't. That I know he never intended to cause any hurt at all and that if he could take it away, he would. That I miss him and our friendship but am finally accepting we will never be friends again but I still hate that I don't know him anymore.
He sent me a novel back telling me he missed me too even though every time he hears or sees me at work it makes him sick and he doesn't know how much longer he can stand it. That he hates that he hurt his marriage but that it forced them to address things that they hadn't been and that things are better than they ever were. That he wants me to get over it and move on for my own sanity.
We both still don't know how to explain us...I know we both try to chalk it up to circumstance, and I know that's such a huge part of it, but this weekend at my friend's shore house, her mom was talking about what it was like when she first met her second husband. Everything she was saying, I felt that with Him. The day after we both admitted to each other that we were each other's work crush, he sent me "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak, and I in turn sent him The Horrible Crowes cover of "Teenage Dream". After that I remember not being able to eat for nearly two weeks, he was on my mind all the time and all I wanted was to be with him constantly. I loved that about us, how we used songs to talk to each other, how they both meant so much to us. The next ones that standout are Lake Street Dive, "You Go Down Smooth" from me and "I want to know what love is" by Foreigner from him.
Then he made me that mix CD, entitled Harvest Moon, which included that very song from Neil Young. All of those songs resonated...it was the most romantic and adorable thing anyone had ever done for me. The first time I listened to it I texted him saying thank you that I loved it and he said I'm so glad, it would have broken me if you didn't.
I used to think that maybe it was compatibility that we had, but I had immense compatibility with Lumberjack and even with Phoenix. With Him, it was more than that, it was this inert level of understanding. He always just "got it" without me having to really explain. Every thing he did to me and made me feel, I seemed to have the same affect on him. The mutual obsession, the same sense of wonderment about each other. That is what I crave, the kind of happy I get just from talking to him is why I keep faltering. Luckily more time passes between each relapse and I know eventually I will stop caring what he thinks.
At the end of our exchange he told me he heard Dido's "White Flag" recently and that it felt like I was singing it to him and to keep up the good work at snubbing him, that it was breaking his heart in the best way possible. I listened to song immediately and tears galore. Good god I cannot wait for the day when He and these feelings and these memories no longer control me.
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