I'm not okay
I want to be. I want to be ok. I want to be moved on from everything that has happened, I want to be happy. I want to appreciate all the things I have going on that are so wonderful. For whatever reason though all I can focus on is how lonely I am. It's almost like to some degree I enjoy remembering the love I felt from all these different men and then being consumed by the resulting sadness when I realize how much I miss it. I have so much work to do for WORK and for school and yet I cannot make myself focus. I'm hoping getting my thoughts out will help with that.
My car was hit at the end of last month and was FINALLY ready to be picked up today and Phoenix texted me yesterday reminding me one of the plastic crates he'd borrowed for his move was still at his place and I had a bunch of his clothes to give back. Cuz yea, we're over, I was honest with him about my shadiness with Mountain Man and he rightfully was like fuck you get your shit together this is over. So I went over there this afternoon after getting my car, and it just made me sad. I had to just cry in my car for a bit after I left and got to the office. I miss him. I miss our life, that relationship was the best one I've had to date, which makes me even more sad because I know it's over because it had its pitfalls. I just don't understand what I've been doing and why I keep allowing myself to be in these situations where I don't feel appreciated or wanted or good enough. I constantly have this feeling of, it shouldn't be this hard to feel loved. And those thoughts just always take me back to Him and how effortless that was. Spent too much time in his presence this week, there was a going away lunch for a colleague that's leaving after 8 years, they started together actually, and I've worked directly with this guy on all my pipeline stuff. So of course we were both invited to the lunch and we ended up sitting only one person apart. It's the longest amount of time I've seen him in a year basically. No real direct conversations, more like group conversations, but a few moments of eye contact that felt more like someone had their hand around my heart and was just squeezing for the hell of it to see how much I could withstand it. God he's so handsome and man do I miss his humor. I miss that friendship everyday, I don't think I'll ever stop regretting that I ruined that.
It's been a little over two weeks since Phoenix and I ended and there's already like four new people in the box of potentials and I feel overwhelmed. However, Mountain man is out... I finally got to know him as a person these last few months. I still think he's a wonderful person, and he's soooooooo fucking hot, and I still know that the chemistry there will always be there and we probably could have a really fun relationship filled with lots of adventures. But timing and circumstance doesn't seem to be our friend and I really don't think it ever will be. He has a life there and told me he might be starting to see someone and I can't stop living my life for potential what ifs anymore. Regardless of him not being available right now and knowing he doesn't plan to stay in Alaska, he's still from Maine and I already know I will want to settle down in the Philly area. I also know that although his life of being all outdoorsy intrigues me because it's so foreign to how I grew up, when I saw that post of his nephew with his dad next to a hanging dead deer my stomach dropped.
It honestly just reminded me again what I learned from my Sailor, that how you were raised and your key morals and values will highly shape how you will want to raise your own children, and sometimes you just come from too drastically different backgrounds for things to really mesh the way they should to raise a family and build a life in solidarity. I'm really glad to actually feel some closure about things with Mountain Man but I wish I'd been able to figure that out before I hurt someone as nice as Phoenix.
But yea last week I was feeling really down about things with Phoenix and missing him and re-downloaded Tinder. I only swiped for like a day but ended up matching with this guy that I actually met in real life over the summer! He was renting the first floor of the shore house that my step mother stayed in this summer. He's really cool and is in the midst of moving to Philly because he just got hired as a chef for a new restaurant downtown that's opening mid December. We're going to call him Chef cuz that's easy...but yea he's super busy with that and I'm busy with school so we've just been texting a bit here and there. Definitely intrigued about that one. Then another rando from Tinder has actually been able to have real intelligent conversations with me via text and I'm really excited to meet him in person and see if there's any chemistry there. I may meet him tomorrow, not sure yet. Yesterday though I went an alumni Ultimate game for my high school and reconnected with this boy that I loved when I was 16 and actually ran into down the shore with my frisbee girls. His other friend that I thought was really cute that night, was at the game too and got to know him a little bit better. He currently lives in Seattle but has decided to move back to the Philly area but that's not happening until next summer. But it was a lot of fun playing frisbee with him, I think I'm addicted to ultimate enough that my SO has gotta be into it too... I may just need to come to terms with that right now...which reminds me that there's this ultimate guy that I've been talking to pretty regularly the last month or so that Phoenix even mentioned today when I saw him, lets call this one Shiloh since has one. Phoenix was like, well if you're looking for a date go see Shiloh, I'm sure he'd love that. Then he proceeded to confess that he'd been most concerned that I was gonna fall for Shiloh and that he thinks I'd really like him. Right now when I think about Phoenix I just wish I'd met him like maybe next year, a time where I was actually over Him, not still upset about Lumberjack, would have hopefully found closure with Mountain Man and just more secure in where I was at in my life.
In the end though I think I really am missing just having someone and recognizing how nice it'd been and that I'd been craving real companionship since like 2010. I miss living with a best friend, I miss the days of college because living in Vermont was the first time in my life where somewhere felt like home. Where I had a safe and consistent space to go back to. I haven't been able to re-create that since graduating and it's been affecting me in such a negative way. You would think being back home with my parents would allow me to have that, but that place feels more like a prison, a place of judgement, and it's just stressful. I'm going to apply to be an RA next year down on campus and I'm really excited about it. Maybe now that I don't have Phoenix's place to run away to, it'll force me to make my home with my parents feel like home. I think that's why things being over with Him hurt as much as it did, being with him gave me that sense of peace that comes with feeling like you're home. Everyday I'm able to let go a little more the hope that our someday will still happen, but I think I will always hold a torch for him until someone else causes me to feel that way.
My mom said for now I should focus on raising my standards and let some men actually treat me like a woman...that it's fine to just date and not be in a relationship. I think I need to work on not getting so invested. I don't do well with keeping things casual, I don't know how to keep things to myself and so I share and then I ask questions that always lead to people opening up to me because it's like they feel compelled to do so after my own openness. Then all of sudden things are intense and serious. I share my stories and I think I incite this hero complex and they just want to save me, but I don't need to be saved. I just need someone for once to be fucking consistent in my life. That's what we talked about during my closeout session with the CAPS therapist on Wednesday. I'm excited to start sessions with a long term person, but I'm gonna miss the CAPS dude, he was awesome, this wonderful gay guy with a penchant for the dramatics, we got along famously.
"Having a consistent place for support that has clear and defined boundaries" is what he said and I think it makes sense especially with how convoluted my childhood was and the chaos I've brought in during my twenties. I know I have best friends that I love and that have been there for me when I needed them, but everyone has their own lives and their own problems and their SOs and families that depend on them. Those relationships mean a lot to me, but they wax and wane as each of us gets busy with our own shit. I think having someone who is dedicated to hearing my story and helping me evaluate my life and figure out the direction I want and need to go in is going to be a good thing. So yea, I'm not okay, but I will be, just like I always am.
My car was hit at the end of last month and was FINALLY ready to be picked up today and Phoenix texted me yesterday reminding me one of the plastic crates he'd borrowed for his move was still at his place and I had a bunch of his clothes to give back. Cuz yea, we're over, I was honest with him about my shadiness with Mountain Man and he rightfully was like fuck you get your shit together this is over. So I went over there this afternoon after getting my car, and it just made me sad. I had to just cry in my car for a bit after I left and got to the office. I miss him. I miss our life, that relationship was the best one I've had to date, which makes me even more sad because I know it's over because it had its pitfalls. I just don't understand what I've been doing and why I keep allowing myself to be in these situations where I don't feel appreciated or wanted or good enough. I constantly have this feeling of, it shouldn't be this hard to feel loved. And those thoughts just always take me back to Him and how effortless that was. Spent too much time in his presence this week, there was a going away lunch for a colleague that's leaving after 8 years, they started together actually, and I've worked directly with this guy on all my pipeline stuff. So of course we were both invited to the lunch and we ended up sitting only one person apart. It's the longest amount of time I've seen him in a year basically. No real direct conversations, more like group conversations, but a few moments of eye contact that felt more like someone had their hand around my heart and was just squeezing for the hell of it to see how much I could withstand it. God he's so handsome and man do I miss his humor. I miss that friendship everyday, I don't think I'll ever stop regretting that I ruined that.
It's been a little over two weeks since Phoenix and I ended and there's already like four new people in the box of potentials and I feel overwhelmed. However, Mountain man is out... I finally got to know him as a person these last few months. I still think he's a wonderful person, and he's soooooooo fucking hot, and I still know that the chemistry there will always be there and we probably could have a really fun relationship filled with lots of adventures. But timing and circumstance doesn't seem to be our friend and I really don't think it ever will be. He has a life there and told me he might be starting to see someone and I can't stop living my life for potential what ifs anymore. Regardless of him not being available right now and knowing he doesn't plan to stay in Alaska, he's still from Maine and I already know I will want to settle down in the Philly area. I also know that although his life of being all outdoorsy intrigues me because it's so foreign to how I grew up, when I saw that post of his nephew with his dad next to a hanging dead deer my stomach dropped.
It honestly just reminded me again what I learned from my Sailor, that how you were raised and your key morals and values will highly shape how you will want to raise your own children, and sometimes you just come from too drastically different backgrounds for things to really mesh the way they should to raise a family and build a life in solidarity. I'm really glad to actually feel some closure about things with Mountain Man but I wish I'd been able to figure that out before I hurt someone as nice as Phoenix.
But yea last week I was feeling really down about things with Phoenix and missing him and re-downloaded Tinder. I only swiped for like a day but ended up matching with this guy that I actually met in real life over the summer! He was renting the first floor of the shore house that my step mother stayed in this summer. He's really cool and is in the midst of moving to Philly because he just got hired as a chef for a new restaurant downtown that's opening mid December. We're going to call him Chef cuz that's easy...but yea he's super busy with that and I'm busy with school so we've just been texting a bit here and there. Definitely intrigued about that one. Then another rando from Tinder has actually been able to have real intelligent conversations with me via text and I'm really excited to meet him in person and see if there's any chemistry there. I may meet him tomorrow, not sure yet. Yesterday though I went an alumni Ultimate game for my high school and reconnected with this boy that I loved when I was 16 and actually ran into down the shore with my frisbee girls. His other friend that I thought was really cute that night, was at the game too and got to know him a little bit better. He currently lives in Seattle but has decided to move back to the Philly area but that's not happening until next summer. But it was a lot of fun playing frisbee with him, I think I'm addicted to ultimate enough that my SO has gotta be into it too... I may just need to come to terms with that right now...which reminds me that there's this ultimate guy that I've been talking to pretty regularly the last month or so that Phoenix even mentioned today when I saw him, lets call this one Shiloh since has one. Phoenix was like, well if you're looking for a date go see Shiloh, I'm sure he'd love that. Then he proceeded to confess that he'd been most concerned that I was gonna fall for Shiloh and that he thinks I'd really like him. Right now when I think about Phoenix I just wish I'd met him like maybe next year, a time where I was actually over Him, not still upset about Lumberjack, would have hopefully found closure with Mountain Man and just more secure in where I was at in my life.
In the end though I think I really am missing just having someone and recognizing how nice it'd been and that I'd been craving real companionship since like 2010. I miss living with a best friend, I miss the days of college because living in Vermont was the first time in my life where somewhere felt like home. Where I had a safe and consistent space to go back to. I haven't been able to re-create that since graduating and it's been affecting me in such a negative way. You would think being back home with my parents would allow me to have that, but that place feels more like a prison, a place of judgement, and it's just stressful. I'm going to apply to be an RA next year down on campus and I'm really excited about it. Maybe now that I don't have Phoenix's place to run away to, it'll force me to make my home with my parents feel like home. I think that's why things being over with Him hurt as much as it did, being with him gave me that sense of peace that comes with feeling like you're home. Everyday I'm able to let go a little more the hope that our someday will still happen, but I think I will always hold a torch for him until someone else causes me to feel that way.
My mom said for now I should focus on raising my standards and let some men actually treat me like a woman...that it's fine to just date and not be in a relationship. I think I need to work on not getting so invested. I don't do well with keeping things casual, I don't know how to keep things to myself and so I share and then I ask questions that always lead to people opening up to me because it's like they feel compelled to do so after my own openness. Then all of sudden things are intense and serious. I share my stories and I think I incite this hero complex and they just want to save me, but I don't need to be saved. I just need someone for once to be fucking consistent in my life. That's what we talked about during my closeout session with the CAPS therapist on Wednesday. I'm excited to start sessions with a long term person, but I'm gonna miss the CAPS dude, he was awesome, this wonderful gay guy with a penchant for the dramatics, we got along famously.
"Having a consistent place for support that has clear and defined boundaries" is what he said and I think it makes sense especially with how convoluted my childhood was and the chaos I've brought in during my twenties. I know I have best friends that I love and that have been there for me when I needed them, but everyone has their own lives and their own problems and their SOs and families that depend on them. Those relationships mean a lot to me, but they wax and wane as each of us gets busy with our own shit. I think having someone who is dedicated to hearing my story and helping me evaluate my life and figure out the direction I want and need to go in is going to be a good thing. So yea, I'm not okay, but I will be, just like I always am.
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