Now Is All I Have
So it's about time for an update... Things are still progressing with Phoenix and quite nicely actually. It's gotten a bit more serious lately but it hasn't scared me off, but it has caused me to really evaluate my feelings.
I had a convo with the birdman recently where we discussed that I may not actually really know what love is to a degree... that I thought I loved the Sailor and then the things I felt with Him were so much deeper than any of that had ever been but then how much of that was real considering the circumstances? Phoenix used the L word while falling asleep last week and apparently I have muttered it too. He asked me about it on Saturday and I basically ended up telling him that right now I don't trust myself and that the next time I say those words to someone, I want to make sure I really mean them. I have definitely thought "love" when I'm with him, I genuinely care about him and I like him in my life. But I still don't see long term with him, but now that doesn't feel like a bad sign, I think it means I've gotten out of the mindset I'd been in with the Sailor because that's not my life anymore. I don't know what's in my future anymore and that's ok, and just because I may not quite be where Phoenix is at, doesn't mean I can't get there. Right now, I'm happy being with him, things are easy and fun and we survived our first little fight and it was so refreshingly different from how fights with the Sailor usually played out. I never quite experienced a fight with Him or Lumberjack. Working through a problem with someone who genuinely cares about fixing it and actually listens and respects your side is kind of amazing. I think for now I will continue to try my hardest to just go with the flow and let this play out and not over analyze and let this man treat me well and learn what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. Maybe I will fall in love again and maybe I won't, but right now there doesn't seem to be negatives to this.
I do still worry I'm too in love with Him for things to ever really work with Phoenix... He and I had to work together this past Friday and it was the first time we made real eye contact with each other in a very long time. It was really nice to see his smile and have it directed at me, I miss him so much, but it also was so apparent to me that I don't know him anymore...
Phoenix and I went grocery shopping together last Tuesday and at one point were separated and I was walking through looking down the aisles and I saw Him. He was in the card aisle and it dawned on me that it was his wedding anniversary. I quickly kept walking and found Phoenix and was like um I still gotta get to the liquor store I'm gonna go check out... I just wanted to get out of there. While I was saying good bye I noticed Him picking out flowers and then when I went to check out I saw him in line and went to a different line... not sure if he saw me or what... but of all the days and times and places... sometimes this world can be so small. I hope he is happy, I really do, but I find it so hard to believe that he is after everything he told me about their relationship, and after what happened between us. I feel like there's no way they will last and when I feel that way it's hard for me to not want to wait for him when I love him as much as I do. I do not think I'll ever stop loving him, but I know there will be a day when I no longer want him, I just wish that day would hurry up and get here so that I can truly move on with my life.
I never meant to be a part of something so selfish and terrible. I never meant to hurt a family like that, or to cause another woman to wonder what is wrong with her. I've spent so much time feeling like a victim because he didn't choose me and I've been so heart broken. But I am just as responsible for allowing things to happen as he was. I wish I could apologize to his wife... I want to tell her how sorry I am for being so disrespectful of their marriage, that even though my life was in shambles it didn't give me an excuse to bring chaos into someone else's. I want her to know that it's not like he came after me or I went after him... that he really was just trying to be a good friend to me and that one stupid question asked by a drunk friend opened up the flood gates and neither one of us were in a good place emotionally to close them...I really hope she loves him as much as I do and that they're together because they can't imagine life apart and not because they feel like they owe it to each other for the sake of their children...it really is easy to mistake history for a connection.
I feel like leaving him alone is the only way I can somehow pay the penance of my wrong doing, and maybe viewing it that way will help me to have the strength to really do it. I've faltered here and there through out this, I've never thrown myself at him or purposefully tried to tempt him even though I certainly could have. But there have been times when I've lost my resolve and reached out, the last time I really did that was mid May. We had a brief exchange at the end of June where I ended it saying I don't want to be his friend, it only hurts. And then a few weeks ago I let him know about the oddball comedy fest because he was super jealous when I went last year and I just felt like I had to let him know that tickets were on sale. But I really want to focus on not doing that anymore. I talked with my dad a lot this morning about how things played out with him and my Step mom (whom he left my mother for...) and he said flat out that if she hadn't been persistent he would have stayed with my mother longer, that yea they would have eventually ended, but things would have definitely been different. I did something morally wrong, but I know I'm not a bad person and no I cannot take back what I did and I cannot fix their relationship, only they can...all I can do is make sure that the choices I make now don't add to the bad...I can't believe it's almost a year since this all started. I can't believe it still hurts as much as it does, but I cannot let this keep me so stagnant. I don't owe him anything and I need to remember that. I know I love him, and I know I've done everything to make sure he knows it too. It's time to recognize there's nothing else to be done and there's no point in dwelling.
My favorite quote that the birdman has shared with me....
"remember the rule:
everything starts over at
each moment
and all that's past
is more useless
than what is
present."
All I have is now, and I need to focus on that fact.
I had a convo with the birdman recently where we discussed that I may not actually really know what love is to a degree... that I thought I loved the Sailor and then the things I felt with Him were so much deeper than any of that had ever been but then how much of that was real considering the circumstances? Phoenix used the L word while falling asleep last week and apparently I have muttered it too. He asked me about it on Saturday and I basically ended up telling him that right now I don't trust myself and that the next time I say those words to someone, I want to make sure I really mean them. I have definitely thought "love" when I'm with him, I genuinely care about him and I like him in my life. But I still don't see long term with him, but now that doesn't feel like a bad sign, I think it means I've gotten out of the mindset I'd been in with the Sailor because that's not my life anymore. I don't know what's in my future anymore and that's ok, and just because I may not quite be where Phoenix is at, doesn't mean I can't get there. Right now, I'm happy being with him, things are easy and fun and we survived our first little fight and it was so refreshingly different from how fights with the Sailor usually played out. I never quite experienced a fight with Him or Lumberjack. Working through a problem with someone who genuinely cares about fixing it and actually listens and respects your side is kind of amazing. I think for now I will continue to try my hardest to just go with the flow and let this play out and not over analyze and let this man treat me well and learn what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. Maybe I will fall in love again and maybe I won't, but right now there doesn't seem to be negatives to this.
I do still worry I'm too in love with Him for things to ever really work with Phoenix... He and I had to work together this past Friday and it was the first time we made real eye contact with each other in a very long time. It was really nice to see his smile and have it directed at me, I miss him so much, but it also was so apparent to me that I don't know him anymore...
Phoenix and I went grocery shopping together last Tuesday and at one point were separated and I was walking through looking down the aisles and I saw Him. He was in the card aisle and it dawned on me that it was his wedding anniversary. I quickly kept walking and found Phoenix and was like um I still gotta get to the liquor store I'm gonna go check out... I just wanted to get out of there. While I was saying good bye I noticed Him picking out flowers and then when I went to check out I saw him in line and went to a different line... not sure if he saw me or what... but of all the days and times and places... sometimes this world can be so small. I hope he is happy, I really do, but I find it so hard to believe that he is after everything he told me about their relationship, and after what happened between us. I feel like there's no way they will last and when I feel that way it's hard for me to not want to wait for him when I love him as much as I do. I do not think I'll ever stop loving him, but I know there will be a day when I no longer want him, I just wish that day would hurry up and get here so that I can truly move on with my life.
I never meant to be a part of something so selfish and terrible. I never meant to hurt a family like that, or to cause another woman to wonder what is wrong with her. I've spent so much time feeling like a victim because he didn't choose me and I've been so heart broken. But I am just as responsible for allowing things to happen as he was. I wish I could apologize to his wife... I want to tell her how sorry I am for being so disrespectful of their marriage, that even though my life was in shambles it didn't give me an excuse to bring chaos into someone else's. I want her to know that it's not like he came after me or I went after him... that he really was just trying to be a good friend to me and that one stupid question asked by a drunk friend opened up the flood gates and neither one of us were in a good place emotionally to close them...I really hope she loves him as much as I do and that they're together because they can't imagine life apart and not because they feel like they owe it to each other for the sake of their children...it really is easy to mistake history for a connection.
I feel like leaving him alone is the only way I can somehow pay the penance of my wrong doing, and maybe viewing it that way will help me to have the strength to really do it. I've faltered here and there through out this, I've never thrown myself at him or purposefully tried to tempt him even though I certainly could have. But there have been times when I've lost my resolve and reached out, the last time I really did that was mid May. We had a brief exchange at the end of June where I ended it saying I don't want to be his friend, it only hurts. And then a few weeks ago I let him know about the oddball comedy fest because he was super jealous when I went last year and I just felt like I had to let him know that tickets were on sale. But I really want to focus on not doing that anymore. I talked with my dad a lot this morning about how things played out with him and my Step mom (whom he left my mother for...) and he said flat out that if she hadn't been persistent he would have stayed with my mother longer, that yea they would have eventually ended, but things would have definitely been different. I did something morally wrong, but I know I'm not a bad person and no I cannot take back what I did and I cannot fix their relationship, only they can...all I can do is make sure that the choices I make now don't add to the bad...I can't believe it's almost a year since this all started. I can't believe it still hurts as much as it does, but I cannot let this keep me so stagnant. I don't owe him anything and I need to remember that. I know I love him, and I know I've done everything to make sure he knows it too. It's time to recognize there's nothing else to be done and there's no point in dwelling.
My favorite quote that the birdman has shared with me....
"remember the rule:
everything starts over at
each moment
and all that's past
is more useless
than what is
present."
All I have is now, and I need to focus on that fact.
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