Still Reckless...

While being with Phoenix it definitely felt like I was slowing down, thinking through things a little bit more, and maybe I was but then as soon as that no longer felt secure I went right back to making impulsive decisions, hence flirting with Mountain Man. After my last entry I was still in such a funk and wasn't getting any work done and burdman texted and was like want to come over and have some drinks and listen to music? And I was like YUP. I knew if I went there with how lonely and vulnerable I was feeling and had a few drinks something would happen. Something would have happened between us a long time ago if it hadn't been for Him. It was good but unsatisfying... as in too quick...and we still haven't talked about it at all. Mostly because I was too busy with school stuff to really think about it. I know a large part of why I'd always balked at the idea of it was that I'd never thought of him that way and never really thought I was attracted to him, but then after Him it felt like if I went down that path of Burdman and I, I would be officially closing the door to our someday. Last Saturday though so much of me didn't want to care about Him anymore so I let it happen. Now I just don't know if it was a one time curiosity type deal or if burdman has feelings for me and wants more. Do I want more? I don't know, it felt like a betrayal to Him which is a bad sign for my level of progress in regards to moving on. I think Burdman and Him are too entwined in my head and memories for things to ever be healthy if I were to have a relationship with Burdman.

Later that week I ended up having a multiple hour long facebook message chat with the guy from high school who's out in Seattle. He's starting to plan his drive across the country this summer to move back and the link he sent me to his first stop was Glacier national park, which was the top of my list! I had to tell him how jealous I was and all about my trip I had to cancel. We ended up talking about so many different things, death, love, religion, politics. I found my imagination start to run away with me feeling like bumping into him was almost by design, perhaps my opportunity to do the trip I couldn't. I gotta stay grounded but I like this one. I guess he needs a name now, especially if we continue talking...I don't want to be dramatic but I know I am so I should just go with it, kinda want to call him Density (my mom loves the back to the future movies). He's an economist and just as nerdy as I am, I think he'd get the reference, it feels fitting. Density it is.

Friday night though I saw Shiloh. Well honestly I saw him Friday day first. I had stayed up SUPER late on Thursday wrapping up my final project for my Env Planning class and so during the three hour lecture I was dying and the idea of going to work and then to the masquerade ball with my cohort was too much to bare. I needed a nap badly and normally I would have been able to stop at Phoenix's before heading into work but that wasn't an option. So I texted Shiloh asking if he was around saying it'd be nice to see him but also I needed to use him and his place to nap HARD. So of course he was willing and I did just that, headed over and within a half hour was out like a light on his couch while he was working in his room. I had every intention of going into the office for a little bit even though I'd already worked my hours. Wanted to touch base with the intern and knew I looked awesome in the outfit I'd worn for my presentation, I wanted Him to see me. But when I woke up, Shiloh and I were chatting, convo flowing nicely like usual, talking about what we were doing and he was like I have a date at 7 and I was like oh Wow! And asked if it was the first one since he and his gf of a year and half and he was like no I'd be way more nervous. So then we were talking about our relationships and such and in previous conversations I'd already told him about my Sailor and even a bit about Him, and of course he'd known I was with Phoenix. I don't remember what brought it on but I think it was just sharing bits of my story and I was just like gosh these last two years and was just hit with a wave of sadness and felt myself ready to cry and Shiloh was just like come here and gave me a big hug and then we cuddled on his couch while playing with his dog and I was like this is really nice. Then I went to look up at him to ask when he needed to get ready for his date and he kissed me. Like damn that's an awkward angle for a first kiss. But non the less it turned into a full blown make out session and my impulsive self suggesting we move things to his bed.

We fooled around for a bit but stayed clothed, but I was definitely not coy about my intentions for wanting more but then remembered his date. We both agreed it'd be a dick move to cancel so last minute but that I should come over after the ball, so he went and showered and then I ended up dropping him off for his date, cuz of course that would be my life. So I went home and got ready for the ball, very excited for the end of the night. The dance was a lot of fun, everyone loved my painted on mask and I have to admit I loved that when other grad students asked what school I was in and when I said school of design they were all like, "ahh explains the creativity" gesturing to my face. Getting back in touch with that side of me after pursuing a very technical degree has been wonderful. I started playing the piano again too. I think continuing to do those things will be beneficial. But yea at the end of the night my favorite friend from school ended up driving my me and my car to Shiloh's and then walking his ass all the way back to center city to get his bike and head home. Shiloh was like that dude has a thing for you, which totally crushed me cuz I think he's right and I'd been oblivious to it. I'm gonna need to feel that one out some more...but I digress. I got to Shiloh's and he kissed me right away and we headed to his room and down to our undergarments. Things were hot and heavy and then he got up to do something with the dog and I promptly passed out... lol. Whoops. In the morning things heated up again and I thought we were headed somewhere and he was like I want to but I think we should take things slowly. I immediately unmounted him and rolled over onto my side. I have such a temper and can be like a little kid when I get told no...I told him I'm sorry for my temper and that I wasn't as much mad, but more disappointed. I apologized for my impatience and he said lucky for you I'm a very patient man. We cuddled for a bit and fell back to sleep and then he said he needed to be productive and had things to do. I didn't hear from him at all the rest of the day except for one reply back to my text saying he'd been exhausted all day. He texted me one thing this morning but it wasn't a conversation starter. Nothing since then. So honestly not entirely sure about the level of interest there, feeling confused about it.

I think that's what I miss most about Him, I was never confused about whether or not he wanted me, or to spend time with me and talk to me. He would tell me he missed me immediately upon parting and that his days were off when we didn't interact. He made me feel wanted and needed. When he told me I was beautiful I believed him in a way I just never have with anyone else. Last night I was home alone trying to get school work done and not very successfully and ended up stalking the life I apparently wish I had...and ended up accidentally hitting follow on one of the boards on the pinterest of his Wife. I wanted to die. Life doesn't get more pathetic than that. Maybe it was a good wake up call, I don't know. I don't know if I like the torture or if there's a part of me that just needs to know he's happy and is with someone that loves him. She seems like a good person, a classy and caring hostess and housewife. I don't seem to care about those things... my Sailor was more into decor than I ever was. I remember when I first met him and we became friends on facebook and I looked through his photos and even then knew I liked him and thought to myself when I saw her, damn I am so not his type. Perhaps my gut way back then was right and I really do need to force myself to let go of him, he's clearly already let go of me.