Still His
Usually I mull over these entries a little bit more before writing them... but it's late and I need to get to bed but I know I won't be able to until I get some of these thoughts out of my brain.
I met Phoenix's parents and two of his 4 siblings this weekend. I definitely felt overwhelmed at first, but I think it went well. It was primarily small talk, nothing too deep, and honestly not too much about me personally. I think I was afraid there'd be a lot of questions... I'm still not entirely sure about how open or honest I should be about my past... I know they know that I was married... my convoluted family came up a bit at the end when his mom was saying once they decided what day they were having Thanksgiving that Steve would have to let me know and that we should come over anytime, and I was like yea I'm very familiar with the not celebrating holidays on their actual day.
I don't know if it's a bad thing that half of me wonders if we'll make it to Thanksgiving, and the other half is like oh sweet Phoenix can come to my Thanksgiving since his family doesn't celebrate it on the day.
I ended up coming clean to Mountain Man... probably a little too clean...my impulsiveness coupled with my blunt honesty and my strange addiction to the shock factor always leads to ensuing drama which always results in a story. It really is all about the stories...my life is quite soap opera like... I don't seem to do much to curb that...I guess growing up with such drama and chaos, I'm drawn to it. But yea I told him about Phoenix but that I really don't want to stop talking and that clearly the fact that we're still drawn together after 4 years there's something here...Enough that I found myself looking up flights to Alaska and starting to contemplate doing my 6 week internship for school in Fairbanks instead of abroad like I've been planning to. I just have so many regrets when it comes to him, and it took a lot to hit reset on my life and I have no plans on squandering that and I basically told him that I can't decide if he's a real potential option or just a fantasy without his input. So in summation we agreed to be friendly for now...
I haven't talked to birdman in over a week now... we went to a concert together last Friday and he got pretty drunk and was grabbing and slapping my ass near the end of the night, which I let slide and we were still having a good time. But then on the car ride home he tried to put his hand on my thigh and I flipped out about it. Me slapping his hand away became like a game until he finally passed out, but then the next day he texted me to say thanks for driving and we ended up discussing it and he was just entirely disrespectful of the fact that I'm dating Phoenix. I outright said that I wasn't going to fuck up something with someone I care about and cares about me just because there's a level of curiosity between us but that I know he doesn't actually care about me. Perhaps it's best, he always so fucking negative and trying to take me down a notch and telling me that my life is nothing special. I understand what he means by trying to keep shit in perspective, but I feel like he gives me no credit at all for persevering through the shit storms my life has been as of late. The way he makes me feel most of the time, of just not being good enough, is the root of my problem with men... I practically throw myself at them and mold myself into whatever it is I think they want me to be to get their approval...I don't fully understand it...I know it stems back to my Dad and twin brother...I'm trying not to do it, but I see myself doing it to a degree with Phoenix. Maybe that's a sign in itself that it's not a good relationship for me to be in...
The only one where that didn't happen was with Him... even though I was madly in love with him, it never caused me to change my mind about what I thought I was doing with my life, or cancel other plans I had. There were several nights where he was available the whole night, but I already had plans with friends and so I would go over after I was done hanging out with them. Like I don't ever remember being like oh he's waiting I should leave. I would leave when I was ready to go see him.
Phoenix doesn't do a very good job of making me feel like he wants me...we've discussed this, and I know he's trying to work on it, but with Him I never had doubts. I always felt like being just me was more than enough. I miss that... I miss him. It honestly feels like I'll never stop missing him. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that there are still moments where I miss him so much I can feel this hole in my chest and it hurts, like the wind has been knocked out of me, and the rest of me is just numb and all I can do is cry and repeat over and over again "he told me he loved me"...how do you move past that? How do I convince my heart to disengage? How am I supposed to move on and let someone else in when clearly my heart still very much belongs to Him.
I met Phoenix's parents and two of his 4 siblings this weekend. I definitely felt overwhelmed at first, but I think it went well. It was primarily small talk, nothing too deep, and honestly not too much about me personally. I think I was afraid there'd be a lot of questions... I'm still not entirely sure about how open or honest I should be about my past... I know they know that I was married... my convoluted family came up a bit at the end when his mom was saying once they decided what day they were having Thanksgiving that Steve would have to let me know and that we should come over anytime, and I was like yea I'm very familiar with the not celebrating holidays on their actual day.
I don't know if it's a bad thing that half of me wonders if we'll make it to Thanksgiving, and the other half is like oh sweet Phoenix can come to my Thanksgiving since his family doesn't celebrate it on the day.
I ended up coming clean to Mountain Man... probably a little too clean...my impulsiveness coupled with my blunt honesty and my strange addiction to the shock factor always leads to ensuing drama which always results in a story. It really is all about the stories...my life is quite soap opera like... I don't seem to do much to curb that...I guess growing up with such drama and chaos, I'm drawn to it. But yea I told him about Phoenix but that I really don't want to stop talking and that clearly the fact that we're still drawn together after 4 years there's something here...Enough that I found myself looking up flights to Alaska and starting to contemplate doing my 6 week internship for school in Fairbanks instead of abroad like I've been planning to. I just have so many regrets when it comes to him, and it took a lot to hit reset on my life and I have no plans on squandering that and I basically told him that I can't decide if he's a real potential option or just a fantasy without his input. So in summation we agreed to be friendly for now...
I haven't talked to birdman in over a week now... we went to a concert together last Friday and he got pretty drunk and was grabbing and slapping my ass near the end of the night, which I let slide and we were still having a good time. But then on the car ride home he tried to put his hand on my thigh and I flipped out about it. Me slapping his hand away became like a game until he finally passed out, but then the next day he texted me to say thanks for driving and we ended up discussing it and he was just entirely disrespectful of the fact that I'm dating Phoenix. I outright said that I wasn't going to fuck up something with someone I care about and cares about me just because there's a level of curiosity between us but that I know he doesn't actually care about me. Perhaps it's best, he always so fucking negative and trying to take me down a notch and telling me that my life is nothing special. I understand what he means by trying to keep shit in perspective, but I feel like he gives me no credit at all for persevering through the shit storms my life has been as of late. The way he makes me feel most of the time, of just not being good enough, is the root of my problem with men... I practically throw myself at them and mold myself into whatever it is I think they want me to be to get their approval...I don't fully understand it...I know it stems back to my Dad and twin brother...I'm trying not to do it, but I see myself doing it to a degree with Phoenix. Maybe that's a sign in itself that it's not a good relationship for me to be in...
The only one where that didn't happen was with Him... even though I was madly in love with him, it never caused me to change my mind about what I thought I was doing with my life, or cancel other plans I had. There were several nights where he was available the whole night, but I already had plans with friends and so I would go over after I was done hanging out with them. Like I don't ever remember being like oh he's waiting I should leave. I would leave when I was ready to go see him.
Phoenix doesn't do a very good job of making me feel like he wants me...we've discussed this, and I know he's trying to work on it, but with Him I never had doubts. I always felt like being just me was more than enough. I miss that... I miss him. It honestly feels like I'll never stop missing him. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that there are still moments where I miss him so much I can feel this hole in my chest and it hurts, like the wind has been knocked out of me, and the rest of me is just numb and all I can do is cry and repeat over and over again "he told me he loved me"...how do you move past that? How do I convince my heart to disengage? How am I supposed to move on and let someone else in when clearly my heart still very much belongs to Him.
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