Revisions
Soooo it's day 40, and I broke my vow...
Well maybe just part of the vow. But have decided that it doesn't mean I can't still be focused on myself, and this year of me and getting my shit together.
I broke it on the 9th... ugh. I was doing so well! Like really well. Was sincerely enjoying the lack of clutter in my brain and just being in this totally relaxed head space when I was meeting people.
But I met this boy, and yea I say boy because I don't view him as a man but every time we hang out he kind of changes my mind about that. He's two years younger than me, but he's also an engineer, mechanical, and he plays frisbee professionally! Like he actually gets paid to travel and go play frisbee. So awesome. He's the captain of my summer league team, which is how I met him. We're going to refer to him as Phoenix.
The first few times we hungout it was totally fine and in group settings. At the end of the third group hangout I got the vibe that maybe he liked me...and the next day I went over for lunch to eat the left over pizza from our team get together and he asked me out and I was like I'm not ready for that. But then that night he came out to a HH with some of my co workers and then I came over after and we watched a movie with his roommates and I was feeling shitty and wasn't watching myself and we were being very touchy and couple-ly and by the end of the movie I had the chills and a fever. I was like I need to lie down before I can drive myself home. Turns out I had a fever of 101.4 and was in the beginning stages of MONO. Cuz that would be my luck. I would stop kissing people and get the kissing disease. But I end up laying down in his bed and he ends up spooning me which I don't fight off because even though I have this terrible fever I can't seem to get warm and I just feel miserable and to be held was just the perfect thing. But it changed everything. There was now this sexual tension that hadn't been there before.
We should have stopped hanging out... but we didn't. When I was away from him I still felt so sure about my decision to cut this aspect out of my life for now. But as soon as I'd see him that would all fly out the window. I have been flip flopping and misleading this kid for two weeks now but have also been trying to be honest with him. Letting him know that if Him or Lumberjack wanted back in on my life that I'd say yes... I told Phoenix that he deserved someone who was more available than that, but he was like if you're trying to get me to end things between us because it's a bad idea for me to get involved with you, it's not happening. I'm in and I'm not going anywhere. I will respect whatever you decide it is that you need, whether I be a friend that you like to hook up with or friend in the friendzone or any of the other bajillion ways this could play out. But I like you and I care about you and it's too late for me to just drop this.
I'm afraid all I will end up doing is hurting him... but I guess he has decided it's worth that risk. And I've decided that I can continue on working at putting myself first and making my goals for my life a priority without having to shut out the people I might meet.
For now I'm gonna see how things play out, but I told Phoenix that for me, this how it's going to be: School, Work, Frisbee, and then maybe him if I don't have friends and family stuff going on.
I may be making a mistake... but he's one of the good ones. I can see and feel that, and maybe having a healthy relationship for once, will be a good thing for me.
Well maybe just part of the vow. But have decided that it doesn't mean I can't still be focused on myself, and this year of me and getting my shit together.
I broke it on the 9th... ugh. I was doing so well! Like really well. Was sincerely enjoying the lack of clutter in my brain and just being in this totally relaxed head space when I was meeting people.
But I met this boy, and yea I say boy because I don't view him as a man but every time we hang out he kind of changes my mind about that. He's two years younger than me, but he's also an engineer, mechanical, and he plays frisbee professionally! Like he actually gets paid to travel and go play frisbee. So awesome. He's the captain of my summer league team, which is how I met him. We're going to refer to him as Phoenix.
The first few times we hungout it was totally fine and in group settings. At the end of the third group hangout I got the vibe that maybe he liked me...and the next day I went over for lunch to eat the left over pizza from our team get together and he asked me out and I was like I'm not ready for that. But then that night he came out to a HH with some of my co workers and then I came over after and we watched a movie with his roommates and I was feeling shitty and wasn't watching myself and we were being very touchy and couple-ly and by the end of the movie I had the chills and a fever. I was like I need to lie down before I can drive myself home. Turns out I had a fever of 101.4 and was in the beginning stages of MONO. Cuz that would be my luck. I would stop kissing people and get the kissing disease. But I end up laying down in his bed and he ends up spooning me which I don't fight off because even though I have this terrible fever I can't seem to get warm and I just feel miserable and to be held was just the perfect thing. But it changed everything. There was now this sexual tension that hadn't been there before.
We should have stopped hanging out... but we didn't. When I was away from him I still felt so sure about my decision to cut this aspect out of my life for now. But as soon as I'd see him that would all fly out the window. I have been flip flopping and misleading this kid for two weeks now but have also been trying to be honest with him. Letting him know that if Him or Lumberjack wanted back in on my life that I'd say yes... I told Phoenix that he deserved someone who was more available than that, but he was like if you're trying to get me to end things between us because it's a bad idea for me to get involved with you, it's not happening. I'm in and I'm not going anywhere. I will respect whatever you decide it is that you need, whether I be a friend that you like to hook up with or friend in the friendzone or any of the other bajillion ways this could play out. But I like you and I care about you and it's too late for me to just drop this.
I'm afraid all I will end up doing is hurting him... but I guess he has decided it's worth that risk. And I've decided that I can continue on working at putting myself first and making my goals for my life a priority without having to shut out the people I might meet.
For now I'm gonna see how things play out, but I told Phoenix that for me, this how it's going to be: School, Work, Frisbee, and then maybe him if I don't have friends and family stuff going on.
I may be making a mistake... but he's one of the good ones. I can see and feel that, and maybe having a healthy relationship for once, will be a good thing for me.
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