Letting go...
Letting go and moving forward is hard... I'm having a tough time this month and especially this week with memory triggers and wishing things were different.
Tomorrow will mark a year since I lost my dog. That day was the worst day I've ever had and was the catalyst for me giving up on trying to do the right thing and just letting things play out with Him. This weekend will mark a year since he kissed me the very first time. I've never experienced a kiss quite like that one. There had been such a build up and the forbidden aspect of it all and my desperation to just escape what was happening in my life. That kiss was magic. Standing in the lifeguard boat, not another soul on the beach, the moon huge and bright and the sound of the ocean in the background. We were embracing each other against the wind that had started to pick up, we'd been huddled in the boat and decided it was late and time for me to get to my step mother's shore house. His arms were around me and I was looking up at that handsome face of his and he had that expression that I'd grow to love, the one that said I think the way you see the world is beautiful and all I want is to be a part of your world.
We'd had many moments like this one over the previous two weeks, lost in each others eyes, and I would always turn away because I knew what I wanted to happen was wrong. But that night I couldn't look away, I didn't want to, and I didn't want the night to end. And then he gently lifted my chin just a little higher and held my face as our lips finally touched. Sometimes a first kiss with someone new can be a little awkward, uncoordinated, but this was perfect and quite literally took my breath away.
I started to cry because I could feel how much I cared about this man and how badly I wanted to be with him, but even then I knew how it would end. Even then I knew he would eventually go back to his lovely life with his lovely wife and I would be alone again. We agreed we needed to stop spending time together and that maybe someday in the future we'd be in a position to explore what was happening between us. Yet we still couldn't seem to end the night. Now that he'd crossed that line, I wasn't really holding back and I just wanted whatever I could get. I remember him saying just a minute ago you were crying and now you're ready to jump my bones. And I said if this is it, if this is all I ever get with you, I want more.
After six years of being with the same person, a person who in the end of the relationship took me for granted and never made me a priority and caused me to feel shitty and unworthy, being with this new man, a man I highly respected and had always been attracted to, was intoxicating. It was amazing to have this person who wanted to talk to me all the time, who constantly told me that I beautiful, who told me they missed me almost immediately after parting, and my favorite - when he'd look at me so intently and just say I'm crazy about you. The relationship was all consuming, we were obsessed, we would chat all day on the work communicator, we'd leave in the afternoon and go on walks, and then eventually after crossing those lines we never should of crossed we'd sneak off for a make out session.
We tried to instill rules, that on odd days we were just friends, and on even we could be together and help us wean off of each other. That lasted a hot minute, eventually it was just like you've already emotionally cheated might as well get to do the fun stuff. We had a happy hour planned for our work softball team and agreed to leave it early and have some alone time back at my townhouse. We both ended up drinking a little too much, I couldn't drive so he drove us in his car even though he probably shouldn't have been driving either.
I'd worn a dress that had a lot of purple in it because I knew it was his favorite color and my favorite black bra. I remember making out on my couch with me straddling him while he kept trying to take my dress off and me saying no, that it'll just lead to crossing more lines. But as we continued to make out and that last drink I'd downed hit my system I lost my resolve and stopped swatting his hands and let him lift it off of me. And there I was in just my undergarments in front of another man for the first time and feeling so vulnerable and knowing I was still so much heavier than I ever used to be. But his eyes were just hooded with lust as he looked at me and he told me my husband was an idiot, that he'd had all this and squandered it, that I was everything. He told me he was usually an ass man, but then cupped my breasts and told me I was a goddess. Once we were both finally disrobed I asked him in all seriousness if he was sure he really wanted to do this and he grabbed my face and looked right into my eyes and told me he'd never been more sure about anything in his life.
I spent the next month falling in love someone who was never going to be 100% mine. I can't believe it has been a year since this all happened, and sometimes I can't believe it happened at all, that he is still the same man that made me feel those things. I still have days where I'm convinced he was it, that I'll never feel love like that again. Others I get so angry that I believed him and allowed myself to be involved in such a situation. How could I compromise my integrity like that? I'm a kind, generous and thoughtful person, I know this about myself, and yet I was a mistress. What I did with him was the most selfish thing I've ever done in my life and is one of the few times I've just done something purely because it felt good and didn't consider other people or consequences. I like to think that if the other turbulence in my life hadn't been occurring I would have never done something like that, but I honestly don't know, it's not like I was never unaware that he was married with children or that what I was doing was deplorable.
I think part of me wishes for things to have worked out so that it was worth doing something that was so morally wrong. Instead, I created a black stain on my heart and for what? Nothing good, that's for sure...I have trust issues now and just compounded the self worth issues I already had from the Sailor... I'm in my 3rd real relationship ever and I'm constantly afraid he's going to change his mind, that all of sudden he's going to know me enough and decide I'm not worth it. Some days I'm so into the relationship with Phoenix and excited about where it's headed and can feel myself developing real and sincere feelings for him, I know I'm falling for him. But then on the flip side it freaks me the fuck out and I just want to run away from it because the idea of losing him feels unbearable, so why put myself in a position to have my heart shattered again when I haven't even finished putting it back together from the last time?
School has started and I finally feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Hopefully it will help me find peace and clarity in the other aspects of my life. Hopefully it'll allow me to finally let go of that someday and just be happy with what is now.
Tomorrow will mark a year since I lost my dog. That day was the worst day I've ever had and was the catalyst for me giving up on trying to do the right thing and just letting things play out with Him. This weekend will mark a year since he kissed me the very first time. I've never experienced a kiss quite like that one. There had been such a build up and the forbidden aspect of it all and my desperation to just escape what was happening in my life. That kiss was magic. Standing in the lifeguard boat, not another soul on the beach, the moon huge and bright and the sound of the ocean in the background. We were embracing each other against the wind that had started to pick up, we'd been huddled in the boat and decided it was late and time for me to get to my step mother's shore house. His arms were around me and I was looking up at that handsome face of his and he had that expression that I'd grow to love, the one that said I think the way you see the world is beautiful and all I want is to be a part of your world.
We'd had many moments like this one over the previous two weeks, lost in each others eyes, and I would always turn away because I knew what I wanted to happen was wrong. But that night I couldn't look away, I didn't want to, and I didn't want the night to end. And then he gently lifted my chin just a little higher and held my face as our lips finally touched. Sometimes a first kiss with someone new can be a little awkward, uncoordinated, but this was perfect and quite literally took my breath away.
I started to cry because I could feel how much I cared about this man and how badly I wanted to be with him, but even then I knew how it would end. Even then I knew he would eventually go back to his lovely life with his lovely wife and I would be alone again. We agreed we needed to stop spending time together and that maybe someday in the future we'd be in a position to explore what was happening between us. Yet we still couldn't seem to end the night. Now that he'd crossed that line, I wasn't really holding back and I just wanted whatever I could get. I remember him saying just a minute ago you were crying and now you're ready to jump my bones. And I said if this is it, if this is all I ever get with you, I want more.
After six years of being with the same person, a person who in the end of the relationship took me for granted and never made me a priority and caused me to feel shitty and unworthy, being with this new man, a man I highly respected and had always been attracted to, was intoxicating. It was amazing to have this person who wanted to talk to me all the time, who constantly told me that I beautiful, who told me they missed me almost immediately after parting, and my favorite - when he'd look at me so intently and just say I'm crazy about you. The relationship was all consuming, we were obsessed, we would chat all day on the work communicator, we'd leave in the afternoon and go on walks, and then eventually after crossing those lines we never should of crossed we'd sneak off for a make out session.
We tried to instill rules, that on odd days we were just friends, and on even we could be together and help us wean off of each other. That lasted a hot minute, eventually it was just like you've already emotionally cheated might as well get to do the fun stuff. We had a happy hour planned for our work softball team and agreed to leave it early and have some alone time back at my townhouse. We both ended up drinking a little too much, I couldn't drive so he drove us in his car even though he probably shouldn't have been driving either.
I'd worn a dress that had a lot of purple in it because I knew it was his favorite color and my favorite black bra. I remember making out on my couch with me straddling him while he kept trying to take my dress off and me saying no, that it'll just lead to crossing more lines. But as we continued to make out and that last drink I'd downed hit my system I lost my resolve and stopped swatting his hands and let him lift it off of me. And there I was in just my undergarments in front of another man for the first time and feeling so vulnerable and knowing I was still so much heavier than I ever used to be. But his eyes were just hooded with lust as he looked at me and he told me my husband was an idiot, that he'd had all this and squandered it, that I was everything. He told me he was usually an ass man, but then cupped my breasts and told me I was a goddess. Once we were both finally disrobed I asked him in all seriousness if he was sure he really wanted to do this and he grabbed my face and looked right into my eyes and told me he'd never been more sure about anything in his life.
I spent the next month falling in love someone who was never going to be 100% mine. I can't believe it has been a year since this all happened, and sometimes I can't believe it happened at all, that he is still the same man that made me feel those things. I still have days where I'm convinced he was it, that I'll never feel love like that again. Others I get so angry that I believed him and allowed myself to be involved in such a situation. How could I compromise my integrity like that? I'm a kind, generous and thoughtful person, I know this about myself, and yet I was a mistress. What I did with him was the most selfish thing I've ever done in my life and is one of the few times I've just done something purely because it felt good and didn't consider other people or consequences. I like to think that if the other turbulence in my life hadn't been occurring I would have never done something like that, but I honestly don't know, it's not like I was never unaware that he was married with children or that what I was doing was deplorable.
I think part of me wishes for things to have worked out so that it was worth doing something that was so morally wrong. Instead, I created a black stain on my heart and for what? Nothing good, that's for sure...I have trust issues now and just compounded the self worth issues I already had from the Sailor... I'm in my 3rd real relationship ever and I'm constantly afraid he's going to change his mind, that all of sudden he's going to know me enough and decide I'm not worth it. Some days I'm so into the relationship with Phoenix and excited about where it's headed and can feel myself developing real and sincere feelings for him, I know I'm falling for him. But then on the flip side it freaks me the fuck out and I just want to run away from it because the idea of losing him feels unbearable, so why put myself in a position to have my heart shattered again when I haven't even finished putting it back together from the last time?
School has started and I finally feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Hopefully it will help me find peace and clarity in the other aspects of my life. Hopefully it'll allow me to finally let go of that someday and just be happy with what is now.
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