Was it Special?

Was it special, was any of it real, those are the thoughts that keep running through my head as of late. When I met the Lumberjack, it was the first time I thought that yea maybe I can connect with someone the way I did with Him. But Lumberjack was still so wrapped up in his ex... I tried so hard to show him that he could trust me, that it was ok to have fun again... I put so much effort into all of that and completely forgot that I was putting myself out there too...

With Phoenix I'm trying really hard not to overthink things and get lost in my head, but he's saying all these things that HE said to me. All these things that I believed... but then he didn't choose me in the end so how could all of those things still be true? Will this one change his mind too? Maybe that's what I'm so afraid of...that I'll give it my all again only to become a mistake again. That I'll trust someone again only to have my heart shattered. I know I'm also afraid that I haven't quite gotten comfortable enough with myself, that I'm not going to lose myself again... that's what happened with the Sailor... I allowed myself to be molded into what I thought he wanted me to be and became a part of his life, and it was never our life. How do I make sure that the next time things become OUR life when MY life is still so unbalanced...

I'm also fearful of not knowing how much of me likes Phoenix for how much he likes me, and how much is just because he's genuinely a good guy. I don't see a long term future with him and I don't know if that's because the idea of getting married again seems so off putting... but with Him...I did see that future, so easily. I think perhaps the hurt I still feel about everything is keeping me from wanting to think that way... trying to protect myself from disappointments that I don't need. I just don't want to hurt Phoenix, he doesn't deserve that and that still feels like that will be how this plays out...

I know I care about him, and the idea of losing him right now makes my heart hurt... so I know there's something there, I just still don't know if this is really what's best for me right now.

I still feel like I'm in limbo... I think I will continue to feel this way until school starts and until I stop having such doubts about what I'm doing with Phoenix...

In the end though, even though I loved the idea of my vow, I think focusing on getting my life in order is the main concern and I've definitely been making strides forward with all that. Bottom line, the thing I promised myself the day after I left the Sailor was that I was going to live a life with as few regrets as possible and I know if I didn't let things play out with Phoenix especially after having to deal with the reality that I'll never get to see things play out with Him... I'd regret it forever.


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