Nothing it is...

I should be doing real work... I only have tomorrow before I'm basically MIA for two weeks as bootcamp for school starts!!! OMG It's finally HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH! I got my student ID card yesterday. I'm more than stoked about the whole thing. YAY SCHOOL!

I just had my first sanctioned tournament as a frisbee player! And when I played, I played well!

Things with Phoenix are pretty great, we have our first real date tomorrow and I'm very excited.  I'm still not entirely sure how invested in him I am, but I do know I wouldn't just randomly decide I didn't want to see him anymore, it would take me not being happy in our relationship for things to end even if someone from past crept up.

So overall life is pretty baller, but that doesn't seem to keep the sad sads away when memories of Him are triggered. A year ago today was when we had Walleye and Cider and he found out I was getting divorced. A year ago today birdman asked near the end of the night if I had to sleep with one of them who would it be and I drunkenly spatted that of course it'd be Him, he's been my work crush since I started here. A year ago today we played heart and soul on the piano together and the flood gates were officially opened.

It's been 28 days of penance. I haven't faltered once, today was a hard one though... His work softball team is short on players... the team I was on last summer... so I got a few requests to jump ship from my team and play with them. Was very tempted to message him and ask if I could but knew that if he was ok with me playing he would have asked. But just the sheer idea of messaging him got my heart rate up and just made me anxious all around.  Will that ever stop? Will there ever be a day where the thought of Him has no impact on my heart? I certainly hope so, still feels like until my life has reached a place where I no longer share ties to Him, it will be hard to fully move past all this.

I know I've definitely acted more cold towards him since viewing my leaving him alone as my form of penance... I wonder if he's noticed. I don't mean to be, but I definitely am one of those people who's all in or nothing. Being his friend is just a reminder of all the things I want and will never have...Most of me still would love nothing more than to be his everything but he doesn't want me, so nothing it is.


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