The Crazy Fiery Wild One

So I ended up blocking Him on facebook and on the communicator at work this week. I woke up Tuesday morning to an email from the realtor for this adorable studio in Bryn Mawr saying I'd been chosen by the landlord out of the four applicants and it was just the biggest relief to know I'll be moving out of my parents house and that for the first time in my life I'm going to be living alone and have a space that is all mine. I was so happy and then as I drove to work I felt that usual anxiety start to creep in and after talking it over with Buddha I decided I wasn't doing it out of anger, I was doing it for me. I know I lack the self control to curb those self-inflicted torture sessions, and they are SO bad for me. I also know that I don't want to be just his friend, and I doubt I ever will cuz I think a part of me would always still want more and so that friendship would invariably be disingenuous. On top of that, frankly I don't think He wants to be my friend eit

"and in that space is our power to choose our response" - Victor Frankl This has been my mindful effort as of late, to not react impulsively like I have most of my life. Not even two minutes after I posted my last entry, He messaged me on the communicator at work. Like I said, the universe is laughing at me. He asked me about how my trip was and we chatted briefly cuz I had to go, Buddah was taking me to get my car from it being inspected. No communication since that...I had a bad week in regards to Him, got really sad about it all a few times, and seriously so on Wednesday night. I'm coordinating a Middle School League for frisbee this spring, how that happened, I'm not entirely sure, but I kinda love it. I needed to make a flyer and so opened up my school laptop with my fancy adobe products and apparently the last time I used it, was to make part of His Christmas gift. Reading the words that I wrote him, and how hopeful I was that we starting something real...made

That is my goal right now, to do whatever it is I need to make my heart a clean slate. But that's unfortunately hard when I can't seem to fucking escape Him. The house we stayed in in the USVI was his favorite number, the first song he ever shared with me was playing in the background of a commercial when I first got there, a boat in the bay was called "someday came", the child of one of the families staying in our complex had his name. I honestly felt like the universe was laughing at me. We communicated back and forth a bit and He's finally talking to a lawyer. So that's good, at least he's moving forward with his life. Was able to point blank ask if our someday was still out there and all he said was that he really didn't know, that it's hard to think about any future relationships when he's still trying to get out of his marriage. So I told him it's hard to let go of all of this when I still don't know we're not a good fit, but

I'm basically writing weekly... The frequency of which I write is always such an indicator of where I'm at. I've needed to write the last few days but keep pushing it off because I wasn't ready to wallow. The random fits of crying have definitely decreased, but most mornings are still bad, and car rides to work, the closer I get to the building the harder it is to fight the tears pounding the back of my eyes. Good lord do I wish there was a way to know how long "time" is... Right now, the end of this sadness mostly feels unattainable because I still have no desire to move on and give up but what choice do I have other than to do just that. I couldn't even type that without tears brimming and my chest tightening. Life feels on the cusp of getting busy again with real spring around the corner. Club pre-season for frisbee is officially here, I'm coordinating a middle school league with another woman, and hopefully gonna play softball with friends in

One whole week of no communication and tomorrow will mark two months since the last time we kissed. Eight weeks apart was my record with my Sailor, somehow between visits and such even with him in the Navy, that was the longest across six years. Since becoming sexually active at 17 my longest time frame without engaging in all that is I guess three months, from freshman year when my First everything and I stayed together that first semester and he didn't end up coming for Halloween. I really wish he had visited, just once, I would have loved to have shared Burlington with him. He and I actually met up last Friday and got dinner and then went to Dave & Busters and had a really awesome night. We got super into this Jurassic park game, he got some bonus thing on frogger and won a bunch of tickets and let me pick a prize, and then later I fucking killed it at pool. There was a time in my life where I never thought we'd be on speaking terms, let alone in this place of being able

Feeling relatively despondent today...checking social media far too often cuz I'm craving attention. I know it's important that I've decided to not use men and sex to sooth me but that coping mechanism was way more fun then the significant amount of time I spend lost in my own thoughts and crying frequently. It's nice having a go to person to talk to about the nothings of your everyday...they very often are whom ever you're currently involved with at whatever level...but also convenience. My best girlfriend at work,  is probably who I talk to the most, almost every day, and then after her maybe Density. Should give her a name though... Buddah feels fitting. Hard to explain but it works on many levels. Today she asked me to put myself in His shoes, all the shit he's dealing with, then add in all the feels I have for him, and then asked me if I would treat Him the way he has treated me and I immediately said never. Because when you love someone, you don't trea

It's a terrible feeling to miss someone that doesn't miss you. Yesterday was a really good day. Like was genuinely happy pretty much the entire day with a ton of energy. I felt like me, was nice to spend a day in that head space. I saw a house with my parents that I really like, that whole process is moving forward and I was productive at work and got to end the day picking-up for frisbee. I hadn't played a real game since early November and damn do I always forget how fucking happy it makes me.  Saw some people I haven't seen in a long time maybe even a year. It's honestly just been so fucking nice to know I'm not imminently leaving and can start making plans again! Started planning a road trip for August to hit up a bunch of my remaining states, that got me seriously pumped. Bought some concert tickets too, the summer is gonna be a fun one and the last two days of nice weather have been fucking glorious. But right before I was going to bed this guy I saw at fr

I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel right now, so much of me is at odds with myself. I know that space and distance from Him is what I need but I also fucking hate it. I hate how every day I feel like I know him just a little bit less. I've attempted low key conversations with very minimal response from Him and it's starting to feel like I need to believe what he said last Thursday on the phone, that he doesn't miss me and that I should move on from all of this... That notion is hard to swallow...the stubbornness in me has zero desire to give up on this, but the part of me that is tired of crying over the same fucking person for YEARS now just wants to be free of this. Hardest part about right now is that I keep finding myself in this head-space of feeling like I did something wrong... felt it strong enough to apologize on Valentine's Day and barely got an acknowledgement. I guess there's this part of me that wants things to go back to the beginning of the

I should have just written this earlier. I knew I needed to get all these thoughts out of my head but was like it's late already with having basketball, just go to sleep. Yet I dicked around on my phone for like four hours doing I don't even know what with some obsessive re-reading of emails and texts with Him thrown in... Wild how sometimes the only person you want to talk to, is the very person who hurt you. I made it a week of being "just a friend" and made it means I cried myself to sleep like 4 nights in a row and was always still waiting to see when he'd have time for me except now I no longer know if he loves me and if I mean anything to him at all so yea... My mental health quickly deteriorated. Went over Burdman's on Thursday to drink and commiserate... And at one point he was like, you've gotta get to a place where you're secure and happy in your life and only let things in that make it better and stop settling for less than you deserve.