The Year of Me
Hellooooo!!!
Today is the first day of the year of me! I am 25 and just received my divorcee decree yesterday.
Met my husband when I was 19 in 2008.
Engaged at 21.
Married at 23.
I left my husband July 11th, 2014.
Six years with someone is a good chunk of time, and even though it was my decision to leave, divorce is heart breaking. Ending things with anyone is heart breaking and the sense of loss is sometimes overwhelming because you are literally ending life as you know it and embarking into the scary unknown.
Some days are harder than others, but mostly I know that whatever is ahead is better than what I'd previously resigned myself for.
Not even a month after deciding to end things, I got tangled up with a married friend. My self esteem was at an all time low and he had been a good friend for two years, someone I respected and valued. After years of not being made a priority and being made to feel shitty about myself, I fell hard for this man that was "choosing" me over the life he already had. It was an immoral thing, I'm not proud of it, but I do not regret it... it proved to me how right I was to get out of my marriage and he helped me see myself again for all that I am, and all I have to offer. But he broke my heart too... and when things imploded, I threw myself into the dating world.
Having been with my husband since I was 19, and my only other relationship previously was my first everything from high school, I've never actually dated before. Throw in the age of technology and my word did I get myself involved in some interesting situations... I met someone from Tinder at the beginning of the year, and it started off casual, I didn't want anything more from him. But then he freaked and was like I can't handle FWB, I need the emotional aspect and I really really like you but I don't have romantic feelings for you, but lets stay friends. So we stayed friends, but then I got attached, and actually started to fall for him. Then his ex contacted him and bam...alone again and finding it hard not to think "When will I ever be enough to be someone's choice".
I was never enough for my husband to choose me ahead of his family and friends, I wasn't enough for my friend to actually leave his current life for me, I wasn't enough for this guy to actually move on from his ex.
But that is negative thinking, and the truth is, I am enough, I'm fucking awesome. These men just weren't ready for me. But also, how can I expect someone else to appreciate me and understand me, when I'm not even doing that for myself.
This is why I'm doing a year of me. I decided with getting divorced and hitting reset it was a good time to go back to school. Financially it's a shit idea...I was severely depressed the last two years, and I haven't been watching my finances and I've been doing all these fun things to make sure I don't spend my days in my bed like I really want to. But I've gotten myself into some debt...
So cheers to a year of me. Where I'm the priority. Where the focus is to make me the best version of me, and to be ready for that forever person that's out there waiting for me to stumble upon them. I'm going to get in the best shape of my life, I'm going to have fun with my friends, I'm gonna continue getting involved in the frisbee community because I love the people I'm meeting and how it helps me stay active, I'm going to stop making impulsive decisions life wise and especially financially and I'm going to pay down my debt so that when I get out of school I'm setup for success!
One full year of no men. No flings, no dating, and definitely no relationships. Maybe a drunken make out session here and there... but nothing more. I need to relearn self respect and to value my body and that it should only be shared with someone worthy of that gift.
If I happen to meet someone during this year, if they really see my worth, they will wait it out. If they're too impatient for that, then they're not worth my time anyways.
I'm excited about this. I think after my birthday I'm also going to deactivate my facebook. Give myself the gift of no competition. No need to be bombarded with everyone else's life milestones while I recenter myself.
This will be where I share what happens to me this year. The people who really care about me, don't need facebook to see how I'm doing anyways.
Alright then, here we go, Day 1.
Today is the first day of the year of me! I am 25 and just received my divorcee decree yesterday.
Met my husband when I was 19 in 2008.
Engaged at 21.
Married at 23.
I left my husband July 11th, 2014.
Six years with someone is a good chunk of time, and even though it was my decision to leave, divorce is heart breaking. Ending things with anyone is heart breaking and the sense of loss is sometimes overwhelming because you are literally ending life as you know it and embarking into the scary unknown.
Some days are harder than others, but mostly I know that whatever is ahead is better than what I'd previously resigned myself for.
Not even a month after deciding to end things, I got tangled up with a married friend. My self esteem was at an all time low and he had been a good friend for two years, someone I respected and valued. After years of not being made a priority and being made to feel shitty about myself, I fell hard for this man that was "choosing" me over the life he already had. It was an immoral thing, I'm not proud of it, but I do not regret it... it proved to me how right I was to get out of my marriage and he helped me see myself again for all that I am, and all I have to offer. But he broke my heart too... and when things imploded, I threw myself into the dating world.
Having been with my husband since I was 19, and my only other relationship previously was my first everything from high school, I've never actually dated before. Throw in the age of technology and my word did I get myself involved in some interesting situations... I met someone from Tinder at the beginning of the year, and it started off casual, I didn't want anything more from him. But then he freaked and was like I can't handle FWB, I need the emotional aspect and I really really like you but I don't have romantic feelings for you, but lets stay friends. So we stayed friends, but then I got attached, and actually started to fall for him. Then his ex contacted him and bam...alone again and finding it hard not to think "When will I ever be enough to be someone's choice".
I was never enough for my husband to choose me ahead of his family and friends, I wasn't enough for my friend to actually leave his current life for me, I wasn't enough for this guy to actually move on from his ex.
But that is negative thinking, and the truth is, I am enough, I'm fucking awesome. These men just weren't ready for me. But also, how can I expect someone else to appreciate me and understand me, when I'm not even doing that for myself.
This is why I'm doing a year of me. I decided with getting divorced and hitting reset it was a good time to go back to school. Financially it's a shit idea...I was severely depressed the last two years, and I haven't been watching my finances and I've been doing all these fun things to make sure I don't spend my days in my bed like I really want to. But I've gotten myself into some debt...
So cheers to a year of me. Where I'm the priority. Where the focus is to make me the best version of me, and to be ready for that forever person that's out there waiting for me to stumble upon them. I'm going to get in the best shape of my life, I'm going to have fun with my friends, I'm gonna continue getting involved in the frisbee community because I love the people I'm meeting and how it helps me stay active, I'm going to stop making impulsive decisions life wise and especially financially and I'm going to pay down my debt so that when I get out of school I'm setup for success!
One full year of no men. No flings, no dating, and definitely no relationships. Maybe a drunken make out session here and there... but nothing more. I need to relearn self respect and to value my body and that it should only be shared with someone worthy of that gift.
If I happen to meet someone during this year, if they really see my worth, they will wait it out. If they're too impatient for that, then they're not worth my time anyways.
I'm excited about this. I think after my birthday I'm also going to deactivate my facebook. Give myself the gift of no competition. No need to be bombarded with everyone else's life milestones while I recenter myself.
This will be where I share what happens to me this year. The people who really care about me, don't need facebook to see how I'm doing anyways.
Alright then, here we go, Day 1.
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