Wise and True
Today is day 19! They say it takes 21 days to break any habit, so I guess I'm almost in the clear??
Honestly though I already do feel such a change in my state of mind. My last date was April 28th, and the last time I slept with someone was April 25th. Neither experience was anything to write home about... if anything I think both helped push me towards the decision to just cut that all out of my life for now. I just had these moments where it was like I don't actually want to be here... why am I doing this?
I know part of it was wanting a distraction... to have other things to think about so that I wouldn't think about Him or ruminate over the Sailor already having moved on or wondering how the Lumberjack is doing and if things are working out with his ex... or even if Mountain Man still thinks of me.
Just because the Sailor bought a place with someone doesn't mean I need to be rushing that aspect of my life...Mountain Man lives in fucking Alaska so that's just a complete waste of time. Him... I had a relapse early last week... not having the distractions made it hard not to think about him and unfortunately I'm still so in love with him. However that's another lost cause and I need to remember the words of the strong me, that when it was first over she said, "You can't have her as well as any piece of me". So much of me misses our friendship and the last two months we'd been talking more regularly as friends, and it was nice, but it messed with my head. I drunk messaged him last weekend and then really late Sunday spilled my guts via gchat. I needed to be positive that he knows how real and serious our love is for me. It wasn't a smart thing to do, but maybe necessary because for the first time after an interaction related to Him, I don't have that feeling of I forgot to say something, or I wished I'd said it like this. For once I think I got it all out. I ended it saying that I know me rehashing and reaching out like this makes things harder for him and that I'll never do it again, but that if he does decide I really am what he wants, there's nothing I'd love more than for him to be that first date.
I'll never want to be just his friend and that's just a fact. Trying to maintain any semblance of a friendship is just allowing myself to be tortured. I have 11 weeks left including this one until I'm finally free from having to force myself to walk into this office everyday. I'm so excited about school and Ultimate! I found out that I'm eligible to play for school's Women's team as a grad student!!! WOO! Also it feels like I may have made the club team I've been trying out for! Might be by default cuz their numbers are low... but I don't care! The frisbee girls and I went disc golfing yesterday and it was a blast! Had such a great time and I'm so excited to get even better at my throws.
Lumberjack texted me this past Friday... was definitely surprised by it... he basically was like sorry it's been forever I've been meaning to reach out but how are you. We chatted briefly a few times over the weekend... not quite sure what that is about but definitely curious. I ended up having a very realistic dream about him last night. It was the annual ski trip with my work friends (which usually happens in late January mid February) and he was there with me! And we were having a discussion about whether or not to sleep in the same bed and I was all like well you can't try any funny business (because ya know celibacy) and he was like yea of course not but then that night we're spooning and he kisses my neck and grabs me and for a second I give into it and let out a gasp but then I recover and slap his hands away. Now I'm angry and it leads to a fight where he basically says why are you still doing this year of me? Clearly I want to be with you, I'm here with you right now. And I tell him it's because I made a promise to myself and I'm stuck with myself for the rest of my life, and you? I don't know how long you're around for. We end up sleeping in different beds for the rest of the trip...
It was a good dream. I liked that even subconscious me is totally on board with this whole thing. I mean honestly though I love what I said, who could be worth breaking a promise to myself? Even someone I really like...even someone I know I started to fall for...I don't know the status of him and his ex... and I don't think I want to know. It doesn't matter right now. I know that I would be good for him and help him grow, but right now I don't think he can help me grow. And after the Sailor I don't want to be with someone who needs me ever again. I want a whole person. Right now the kind of self growth I need to do is the kind I can only do on my own. For now, I'm at least glad he's still thinking about me and seems to still want me in his life.
This year is going to be hard for many reasons, but the good kind of hard and I can't fucking wait.
Honestly though I already do feel such a change in my state of mind. My last date was April 28th, and the last time I slept with someone was April 25th. Neither experience was anything to write home about... if anything I think both helped push me towards the decision to just cut that all out of my life for now. I just had these moments where it was like I don't actually want to be here... why am I doing this?
I know part of it was wanting a distraction... to have other things to think about so that I wouldn't think about Him or ruminate over the Sailor already having moved on or wondering how the Lumberjack is doing and if things are working out with his ex... or even if Mountain Man still thinks of me.
Just because the Sailor bought a place with someone doesn't mean I need to be rushing that aspect of my life...Mountain Man lives in fucking Alaska so that's just a complete waste of time. Him... I had a relapse early last week... not having the distractions made it hard not to think about him and unfortunately I'm still so in love with him. However that's another lost cause and I need to remember the words of the strong me, that when it was first over she said, "You can't have her as well as any piece of me". So much of me misses our friendship and the last two months we'd been talking more regularly as friends, and it was nice, but it messed with my head. I drunk messaged him last weekend and then really late Sunday spilled my guts via gchat. I needed to be positive that he knows how real and serious our love is for me. It wasn't a smart thing to do, but maybe necessary because for the first time after an interaction related to Him, I don't have that feeling of I forgot to say something, or I wished I'd said it like this. For once I think I got it all out. I ended it saying that I know me rehashing and reaching out like this makes things harder for him and that I'll never do it again, but that if he does decide I really am what he wants, there's nothing I'd love more than for him to be that first date.
I'll never want to be just his friend and that's just a fact. Trying to maintain any semblance of a friendship is just allowing myself to be tortured. I have 11 weeks left including this one until I'm finally free from having to force myself to walk into this office everyday. I'm so excited about school and Ultimate! I found out that I'm eligible to play for school's Women's team as a grad student!!! WOO! Also it feels like I may have made the club team I've been trying out for! Might be by default cuz their numbers are low... but I don't care! The frisbee girls and I went disc golfing yesterday and it was a blast! Had such a great time and I'm so excited to get even better at my throws.
Lumberjack texted me this past Friday... was definitely surprised by it... he basically was like sorry it's been forever I've been meaning to reach out but how are you. We chatted briefly a few times over the weekend... not quite sure what that is about but definitely curious. I ended up having a very realistic dream about him last night. It was the annual ski trip with my work friends (which usually happens in late January mid February) and he was there with me! And we were having a discussion about whether or not to sleep in the same bed and I was all like well you can't try any funny business (because ya know celibacy) and he was like yea of course not but then that night we're spooning and he kisses my neck and grabs me and for a second I give into it and let out a gasp but then I recover and slap his hands away. Now I'm angry and it leads to a fight where he basically says why are you still doing this year of me? Clearly I want to be with you, I'm here with you right now. And I tell him it's because I made a promise to myself and I'm stuck with myself for the rest of my life, and you? I don't know how long you're around for. We end up sleeping in different beds for the rest of the trip...
It was a good dream. I liked that even subconscious me is totally on board with this whole thing. I mean honestly though I love what I said, who could be worth breaking a promise to myself? Even someone I really like...even someone I know I started to fall for...I don't know the status of him and his ex... and I don't think I want to know. It doesn't matter right now. I know that I would be good for him and help him grow, but right now I don't think he can help me grow. And after the Sailor I don't want to be with someone who needs me ever again. I want a whole person. Right now the kind of self growth I need to do is the kind I can only do on my own. For now, I'm at least glad he's still thinking about me and seems to still want me in his life.
This year is going to be hard for many reasons, but the good kind of hard and I can't fucking wait.
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