The past is knocking...

I went to therapy for the first time since Bow died about a week ago now...I'm trying to take advantage of the free services school offers and I guess I'm finally ready to admit that I need help to be really be ok and process everything that has happened in the last two years.  I only got partially through my convoluted family and up to deciding to get divorced, the therapist was like, "ok we're going to pause this conversation because time is up but I have so many questions" and then we scheduled my next session. But I got upset when talking about my Sailor, and this past weekend a convo with my sister about that level of comfort you get to with someone after years together and living together and then came across some of his baby photos while cleaning my room and I just started to cry. It really is the first time since all of this that I really missed him. And then I heard birdman's voice telling me I made the choice I'm not allowed to be upset about how things are, but then my inner voice was like yes you made that choice but it was the right one you don't regret it, but you still lost someone. I lost my best friend, I really did, I met him right after I found out my dad and step mom were getting divorced and realizing my little brothers were going to go through the life that I had.... He was there when things blew up with my mother later that year when I found out she'd forged my name on school loans instead of taking loans out in her name to cover her agreed portion of my tuition. I was responsible for half, and the half was to be split between her and my dad. We ended up having a physical altercation over my winter break, and to this day has never been discussed... the next day my Sailor came and helped me pack up and moved me out to my step mothers for the rest of break. I bought my own virgin mobile phone with a new number and shoved my phone on my mom and step father's family plan in a drawer and didn't speak with them until mother's day. I came home in secret from Vermont for Valentine's day and ended up getting a stomach bug and he took care of me. He became my rock very quickly and he was more than willing to be that. He sent me care packages, drove me back to school multiple times, came up to visit, wrote me love letters and bought me beautiful jewelry. We'd talk on the phone for hours, we'd have Skype dates, and we talked endlessly about that future where we would be together.

Tomorrow will mark exactly 2 years since I hopped in Cecil, my black Honda Civic, with Bow, then 6 month old puppy, and drove back across the country. I think even then a part of me knew I was permanently saying goodbye to that life. I've been reading my blog from that time and it's hard to read it now that I'm no longer so angry and hurt by my Sailor. Now that I miss him. He pleaded, begged me to give it all another chance. It's hard to read his words and not remember how it felt to be loved like that. He loved me so much, I never ever doubted that, but he could only love me the way he had been taught. His mother uses gifts and manipulation, and he did the same. I still know I made the right decision, but right now it's hard to not think, could it have eventually been ok? Did he love me enough that if there was anything I really fought for and pushed, especially in regards to our kids, would he have defaulted to me? Part of me thinks so, but I still know that I deserve more than ok.

I'm trying really hard not to make haste decisions now when it comes to Phoenix because there are aspects where I want more, especially if I am to consider this a long term thing. If it's a relationship of the now, one where I'm learning, one where I have someone who cares about me and knows everything I've been through and is willing to be patient and understanding with me, is it ok that it's just ok? I told him last weekend about Mountain Man and who he was/is to me, and how upset I was about birdman and I not talking. This past weekend I said I'm just afraid of hurting you and I'm not sure we're on the same page. He said "the only way you'll hurt me is if you disappear without an explanation. and as for being on the same page? Enough that we're talking about the book."

I loved that response more than anything. He continually surprises me with how level headed he can be when reacting to my doubts. He just invited me to his holiday party in December and rented a hotel room for the night. I love him, I know that I do, I know that his happiness matters to me and that being with him does make me happy. But I'm not in love with him the way I was with my Sailor, and no where close to how things were with Him...

I guess I'm struggling to determine how much of that has to do with me holding back and not wanting to think that way because I'm too afraid to after all the hurt, what's because I really am just still in the beginning of things. Sailor and I were together for 6 years, Him... we were friends for 2 years before anything happened, and what is purely just Phoenix not being what I need. I don't think I'll feel comfortable giving up on him and us until I understand more about my lingering issues from all that has happened. The need for approval and to be appreciated and feel like a priority. The fear of him changing his mind when I don't hear from him, when communication is lax, that has to be related to Him not choosing me...

I'm hoping therapy helps me to tackle these issues head on so that I really can move forward in my life.