Create the Space
"and in that space is our power to choose our response" - Victor Frankl
This has been my mindful effort as of late, to not react impulsively like I have most of my life. Not even two minutes after I posted my last entry, He messaged me on the communicator at work. Like I said, the universe is laughing at me. He asked me about how my trip was and we chatted briefly cuz I had to go, Buddah was taking me to get my car from it being inspected. No communication since that...I had a bad week in regards to Him, got really sad about it all a few times, and seriously so on Wednesday night. I'm coordinating a Middle School League for frisbee this spring, how that happened, I'm not entirely sure, but I kinda love it. I needed to make a flyer and so opened up my school laptop with my fancy adobe products and apparently the last time I used it, was to make part of His Christmas gift. Reading the words that I wrote him, and how hopeful I was that we starting something real...made my heart break all over again. It was just so hard to recognize how different things are, and that I never would have imagined that a month later things would be over. I got swept up in the devastation and started to cry those full body sobs and I needed to talk, I needed to not be alone in my head but wasn't capable of talking on the phone... I knew Buddah and Burdman were hanging out together that night, so I couldn't text them, and I know they're both over hearing about all of this, and have always felt weird since they're both friends with Him too. I definitely want to try to no longer discuss the topic of Him with them unless they ask, which aka means never again haha. So I actually reached out to Density via gchat ....we'd had a very emotionally charged convo Sunday night on there about his own loneliness and desire to find somebody. He really helped me talk through all my feelings and asked me great questions, one of which lead to somewhat of an epiphany that's been in my head all week. He asked me why I thought I was so stuck, and I lamented about how it feels unfinished, that I still can't say that we're not good for each other. He asked me if I had closure with my Sailor, and I kinda said I didn't need it so much, I knew it wasn't right, I finally realized while I thought I was holding out hope for my Sailor to grow up, I was truly waiting for him to change. Density was like "change growing up to 'get his shit together' and it's your current situation, and I don't want you holding out for years with Him too. You have been emotionally drained by both of them, and while He may be a good dude, there's lots of good dudes, and there is only one you." Density fell asleep on me so I proceeded to stalk the shit out of Him on facebook... I no longer follow him, I have to pointedly go to his wall, ya know gotta be intentional with my pathetic self torture...and then while scrolling through his page, accidentally liked one of his posts *threw phone across room and wanted to die* and then just cried until I passed out.
Thinking about everything with Him in parallel with my Sailor, has been eye opening, to say the least. Yes the circumstances are different, and yes I know I am right that we're compatible, and that we'd be good for each other but none of that matters. His circumstances didn't break my heart multiple times now, He did. Here I am waiting for Him to get his life together, when in reality I'm waiting for him to choose me, like I've chosen him, but he has quite literally treated me like trash, by repeatedly showing me that I am the disposable part of his life. Thinking about it like that, made me angry, probably the angriest I've been in all of this, and made me say, why the fuck do I care about "not being dead to each other" why is it important to me that I be available to him when he needs me, when he's never been there for me. I wanted to block him on Facebook, and my email, and the communicator at work. Part of me still wants to do that, but then I thought more about why I want to do that, and it was really because I wanted Him to know I'm angry at him, and maybe wanted him to reach out when he noticed. When I stepped away from it, I think part of me was wondering if I made him fearful of losing me instead of making myself so god damn available, would he remember all that he's throwing away...but that's viewing the situation from my perspective only. A week after shit imploded, I drank with Burdman, and he was like "what's the rush? if forever is your goal, what difference is a few years going to make? He isn't going anywhere, and while I don't doubt he cares about you, you are like the millionth thing on the list of shit he has to deal with. Besides why the fuck would you want to be involved with someone who is probably still sleeping with his wife." And in all honesty it was that comment that caused me to send the novel of a text I did saying I couldn't be his friend, because I knew Burdman was right about his overall comment, and his flippant one at the end definitely triggered the part of me that doesn't trust Him. Trust is a paramount pillar in any successful relationship, and while it can be re-built, definitely requires a clean slate for that.
So regardless of if our someday ever comes to pass, right now, where I really need to get to, is a place of not caring at all what he thinks, one way or the other. Besides, the greatest revenge is a life well lived and I gotta stay friends with Him for him to see that, no? LOL Ugh. I think if we didn't work in the same building, and have shared friends, blocking would be the answer, just cut him out and move on. Perhaps when I eventually leave my company, that is what I'll do, but for now, I will continue to only contact Him when my gut tells me to, and just let him be the one to reach out and accept that being on friendlier terms helps my anxiety while in the office.
This has been my mindful effort as of late, to not react impulsively like I have most of my life. Not even two minutes after I posted my last entry, He messaged me on the communicator at work. Like I said, the universe is laughing at me. He asked me about how my trip was and we chatted briefly cuz I had to go, Buddah was taking me to get my car from it being inspected. No communication since that...I had a bad week in regards to Him, got really sad about it all a few times, and seriously so on Wednesday night. I'm coordinating a Middle School League for frisbee this spring, how that happened, I'm not entirely sure, but I kinda love it. I needed to make a flyer and so opened up my school laptop with my fancy adobe products and apparently the last time I used it, was to make part of His Christmas gift. Reading the words that I wrote him, and how hopeful I was that we starting something real...made my heart break all over again. It was just so hard to recognize how different things are, and that I never would have imagined that a month later things would be over. I got swept up in the devastation and started to cry those full body sobs and I needed to talk, I needed to not be alone in my head but wasn't capable of talking on the phone... I knew Buddah and Burdman were hanging out together that night, so I couldn't text them, and I know they're both over hearing about all of this, and have always felt weird since they're both friends with Him too. I definitely want to try to no longer discuss the topic of Him with them unless they ask, which aka means never again haha. So I actually reached out to Density via gchat ....we'd had a very emotionally charged convo Sunday night on there about his own loneliness and desire to find somebody. He really helped me talk through all my feelings and asked me great questions, one of which lead to somewhat of an epiphany that's been in my head all week. He asked me why I thought I was so stuck, and I lamented about how it feels unfinished, that I still can't say that we're not good for each other. He asked me if I had closure with my Sailor, and I kinda said I didn't need it so much, I knew it wasn't right, I finally realized while I thought I was holding out hope for my Sailor to grow up, I was truly waiting for him to change. Density was like "change growing up to 'get his shit together' and it's your current situation, and I don't want you holding out for years with Him too. You have been emotionally drained by both of them, and while He may be a good dude, there's lots of good dudes, and there is only one you." Density fell asleep on me so I proceeded to stalk the shit out of Him on facebook... I no longer follow him, I have to pointedly go to his wall, ya know gotta be intentional with my pathetic self torture...and then while scrolling through his page, accidentally liked one of his posts *threw phone across room and wanted to die* and then just cried until I passed out.
Thinking about everything with Him in parallel with my Sailor, has been eye opening, to say the least. Yes the circumstances are different, and yes I know I am right that we're compatible, and that we'd be good for each other but none of that matters. His circumstances didn't break my heart multiple times now, He did. Here I am waiting for Him to get his life together, when in reality I'm waiting for him to choose me, like I've chosen him, but he has quite literally treated me like trash, by repeatedly showing me that I am the disposable part of his life. Thinking about it like that, made me angry, probably the angriest I've been in all of this, and made me say, why the fuck do I care about "not being dead to each other" why is it important to me that I be available to him when he needs me, when he's never been there for me. I wanted to block him on Facebook, and my email, and the communicator at work. Part of me still wants to do that, but then I thought more about why I want to do that, and it was really because I wanted Him to know I'm angry at him, and maybe wanted him to reach out when he noticed. When I stepped away from it, I think part of me was wondering if I made him fearful of losing me instead of making myself so god damn available, would he remember all that he's throwing away...but that's viewing the situation from my perspective only. A week after shit imploded, I drank with Burdman, and he was like "what's the rush? if forever is your goal, what difference is a few years going to make? He isn't going anywhere, and while I don't doubt he cares about you, you are like the millionth thing on the list of shit he has to deal with. Besides why the fuck would you want to be involved with someone who is probably still sleeping with his wife." And in all honesty it was that comment that caused me to send the novel of a text I did saying I couldn't be his friend, because I knew Burdman was right about his overall comment, and his flippant one at the end definitely triggered the part of me that doesn't trust Him. Trust is a paramount pillar in any successful relationship, and while it can be re-built, definitely requires a clean slate for that.
So regardless of if our someday ever comes to pass, right now, where I really need to get to, is a place of not caring at all what he thinks, one way or the other. Besides, the greatest revenge is a life well lived and I gotta stay friends with Him for him to see that, no? LOL Ugh. I think if we didn't work in the same building, and have shared friends, blocking would be the answer, just cut him out and move on. Perhaps when I eventually leave my company, that is what I'll do, but for now, I will continue to only contact Him when my gut tells me to, and just let him be the one to reach out and accept that being on friendlier terms helps my anxiety while in the office.
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