Graceful Flower

I'm basically writing weekly... The frequency of which I write is always such an indicator of where I'm at. I've needed to write the last few days but keep pushing it off because I wasn't ready to wallow. The random fits of crying have definitely decreased, but most mornings are still bad, and car rides to work, the closer I get to the building the harder it is to fight the tears pounding the back of my eyes. Good lord do I wish there was a way to know how long "time" is... Right now, the end of this sadness mostly feels unattainable because I still have no desire to move on and give up but what choice do I have other than to do just that. I couldn't even type that without tears brimming and my chest tightening.

Life feels on the cusp of getting busy again with real spring around the corner. Club pre-season for frisbee is officially here, I'm coordinating a middle school league with another woman, and hopefully gonna play softball with friends in Philly since yet again another work season is a no go...Seriously hoping that all of that will make it hard to have room to miss Him as much as I do. It's hard not to wonder if he misses me, too much of me aches for him to reach out. But then I always come back to the inevitable truth that so what if he does, nothing has changed, it would just go back to that awful limbo. It never was what I wanted, but I always thought it was still better than nothing. But when the situation consistently made me doubt my worth, perhaps it never was better than nothing. Knowing that however, does nothing to curb the desire to share things with Him, like stupid dog memes, or that his favorite pizza place in Manayunk is coming back, or about a stand-up special, or the latest from John Oliver. I have these conversations in my head with Him and sometimes catch myself still calling him babe... Jesus. If this really is the end of our story old age me is gonna be annoyed as fuck anytime she tells it.

Had such a "the world is small" kind of a night this past Friday. Got dinner with Shazz and drank a lot of wine at the BYO. Then stopped by the bar her husband is the bar manager for only to learn that the live band playing was of course the one that all five members were good friends of my ex-husband, including a groomsmen and the fucking best man. So them and their wives, basically a room of people I'd known for 6 years and hadn't seen in like 4. And the last time I'd been at the bar, was right before Christmas when He and his friend met Shazz and Twinny and their SOs. Needless to say I happily drank the free drinks we scored with Shazz's connections and a drunk dude hitting on us... and promptly got hammered.  I ended up crying at the bar talking to one of their friends who is just starting the divorce process and I basically was like, "if I'd stayed in my life I'd be pregnant like that girl I used to know and instead I'm single AF when I thought I'd have found someone by now and don't mean to scare you but dating fucking sucks". The best man ended up coming up to me and chatting and saying hello and turns out Shazz's neighbor is cousin's with the other groomsmen. We all got invited back to the one dudes house but of course in my life, that guy lives in the house NEXT DOOR to Him. Had to be like yea... Thanks but no thanks. I ended the night forcing myself to puke and passing out on the floor of Shazz's living room like the graceful flower I am, meanwhile the whole mess was to the audience of that poor dude getting divorced that I spilled my guts to...hurray for first impressions.

Gotta say I'm so fucking pumped to spend next week in the USVI visiting my dad and with my siblings and volunteering. All that and the sun and the ocean will be good for my soul. Plus I'm in love with a house but I need my Dad's help so I'm excited to talk to him about it and I really hope it'll all come together cuz I can so vividly see myself there. I can also see Him and his girls there too and I kinda hate myself for allowing that into my head, but it's there and I'd be lying to say the mental image of it doesn't make my heart happy. Hard to imagine other futures when I'm nowhere close to letting go of Him but for the sake of my potential happiness I better fucking figure out how to.

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