Possibly Delusional

It's a terrible feeling to miss someone that doesn't miss you. Yesterday was a really good day. Like was genuinely happy pretty much the entire day with a ton of energy. I felt like me, was nice to spend a day in that head space. I saw a house with my parents that I really like, that whole process is moving forward and I was productive at work and got to end the day picking-up for frisbee. I hadn't played a real game since early November and damn do I always forget how fucking happy it makes me.  Saw some people I haven't seen in a long time maybe even a year. It's honestly just been so fucking nice to know I'm not imminently leaving and can start making plans again! Started planning a road trip for August to hit up a bunch of my remaining states, that got me seriously pumped. Bought some concert tickets too, the summer is gonna be a fun one and the last two days of nice weather have been fucking glorious. But right before I was going to bed this guy I saw at frisbee messaged me on facebook to say it was good seeing me and point blank asked if I was seeing anyone. I told him I had just gotten out of something messy and was recuperating but thanked him for reaching out and we did exchange numbers. If I hadn't had such a good day, not sure how I would have responded, but I didn't even flirt even though this guy and I slept together over a year ago at the end of the season team party. The idea of dating again is sincerely off putting. I don't have any desire to do it and haven't a clue when a desire will return. Right now I'm continuing to try and force myself to not really think too much about it and just let myself revisit all that after my birthday, but today my heart hurts. Today I miss Him a lot. Today I wish we still talked. Today I wonder if He thinks of me at all.

I spent a lot of time alone this past weekend in my parents house, sleeping, drinking, watching sappy movies and crying my eyes out. It was good I think because at the end of the weekend I kinda stopped beating myself up wondering what I could have done differently that would result in him still loving me...and landed in a place of acknowledging that I tried really fucking hard for it to work, and I never stopped, it wasn't me that gave up, and I do have some peace in knowing that, even though I'm still pretty devastated that it's over. I decided to delete his number and archived our text thread so I can't go through it obsessively. I had gone back and read through the night back in August where he confessed his feelings for me and remembered that I had every right to believe him and that I'm not purely a fucking idiot for falling back into that mess...just slightly. There's nothing I can do if He wants to just stand there complaining about the elevator music but refuses to press a button and get the fuck off. I just wish I was capable of holding on to more of the anger, I know it would help me move on, but I just can't. My worry for his well being seems to be trumping all other emotions and makes it doubly hard that it doesn't feel like I can even ask how he is. The last "conversation" we had was like pulling fucking teeth, so yeah we've talked about not being dead to each other but it feels like we are anyways. In the beginning of this latest implosion I told Him out of anger that I'm pretty certain he's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Right now my biggest fear is that He never does find his way back to me, and then that sentiment really will be true. I can't decide if that makes me delusional or proof that I'm capable of unconditional love, even when it's not reciprocated.

At least tonight I have fun plans with some frisbee girls and perhaps tomorrow will start off better and I won't spend the morning constantly close to tears...


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