Stupid Heart
I hate my stupid heart these days. It doesn't make any sense that I can still love someone as much as I do, when they have been so careless with my heart. I cry so much, it's ridiculous actually. Burdman was making fun of me for it today actually... we hung out last night, first time since early February, I definitely needed it. But I barely drank and was still a mess listening to some of these songs he was playing. I just want to escape the sadness. I didn't want to come back from Miami whatsoever. That trip was amazing, it was so nice to spend a solid amount of time with Shazz and Twinny and to get to know some of the people in Twinny's life. This Friday marked three years of being legally divorced and I paid down the last $3,653 of the $25K that asshole of an ex-husband left me to deal with. It feels so damn good to be done with that, and I just feel so very ready for the next chapter.
The Friday before the Miami trip I was with my twin, love monkey, and shazz and we decided to celebrate the holiday with some edibles. However, I very rarely par-take in that sort of thing, my tolerance is much lower than I ever realize, and I ended up getting WAY TOO high. Like existential crisis left my body kinda high. And HE called me right as the weed was kicking in and I know the anxiety attack that, that induced most definitely contributed to how fucked up I was. We had been watching The Room, but a sped up version, which made everyone's voices high pitched, and He and I had seen the Disaster Artist together and I just kept wishing I could talk to him because I knew he'd find the whole thing just as funny as I did. Then bam, he calls, and I no longer have his number in my phone, but I recognized it, and I looked at it ringing and was like do I answer?? And I walked away to the back porch and tried to answer, but I had missed the call. I sat there and wondered if I should call back, or if he would text, and in the end I just went back inside and tried to be present, but my heart was pounding. Then my twin finally got back from work and joined in on the fun and we we're talking about how my last follow up appointment for thyroid/cancer scare is on our birthday. So Twin ends up making this comment about when the cancer scare first happened, and how he worried that it was a Dorian Gray situation and all the bad shit he did to his body, manifested in me. Just thinking about him worrying about that totally set me off and I began to cry and he tried to comfort me and I told him how much I miss him and that I look for him in the people around me and I've surrounded myself with all these sad men, and I can't help any of them. He told me it wasn't my job to save them, and I told him I only ever wanted to save you, and then apparently devolved into demonic sobs and thus began hours of me coming in and out of lucidness. Screaming at the top of my lungs, writhing, trying to scratch at my face, singing and gibberish. On my end, I basically lived my entire life forwards and backwards all at the same time and kept cycling through all the emotions, and was living through moments that brought forth those emotions. I wasn't always me either, sometimes I was fucking famous people, experiencing life through them like Elvis, and Beyonce, but then also His dog, and finally met all these people in his life, as His dog. Everything felt so real... the pain, in the core of my being, was something I don't think I could ever fully express, but then that was reflected back just as intense during the highs which would go from general happiness to the ecstasy of an orgasm to the intensity of laughing so hard you're crying. But everything circled back to how we are all connected and we're just reflections of each other in all the extremes. I'm pretty sure the experience changed me, to say the least. But every time I would cycle through the emotions, and I was getting close to climax, I knew I was with the love of my life, but I could never see their face. I remember thinking it was Him, and wanting so badly for it to be him, and spending the next few days in Miami wondering why he called and reading so much into my experience while high thinking that maybe we do get to have our someday and I just have to be patient.
Wednesday morning of last week rolled around and I was so anxious to go back into that building. I couldn't get myself to get out of my bed and start my day and I knew it was because of Him. So I emailed this:
"I don't know why you called me, or if you tried again, because I blocked you. Too many times over the past three years, this roller coaster with you has not only hurt me to my core, but has managed to suck the happy from other aspects of my life and I just couldn't chance that this weekend when I finally had the opportunity to reconnect with [Twinny]. As addicted to the high of you as I am, I desperately want off this ride. You know how I feel about you, and us, and what I want, and until you can offer that, you need to leave me be, because I will not settle for anything less than that. You may have things to say, but I no longer trust anything that comes out of that mouth, so no need to waste the breath. Come home to me when you've made room for me."
Only to get this supremely cold reply back:
"Sorry. That was a total accident. You show up in my frequent call list and I tried to delete it by swiping and it fucking called you. Dumb move. Sorry."
Those are the only words He has said to me in nearly a month, and I don't know, it just made me crack. If He wants to talk to me like I mean nothing to him, then strangers is what we will be. I applied for a new job the very next day. Initially His response made me feel like such an idiot, and so weak. I cried hard in my cube and I wonder if anyone noticed...but silver lining, it pushed me to reach out to my therapist and I'm hopefully going to get back into regular sessions.
All through out this I've been talking to Gray, and he's been great but it was also weird cuz I know it put Gray in a weird spot and I knew part of the interaction for me, was because I missed Him so fucking much, that Gray's words helped comfort me more than anyone else could, but it was mostly because he's been me in this situation, being lead on, believing something real was about to start and that you had all this time ahead of you to love this person and make memories with them, only to have them change their mind seemingly out of the blue. I told Gray we couldn't chat anymore, even though I've really enjoyed it, but I knew I needed to tell him about how I had said his name several times while I was out of my mind high. And that I knew that he was tied in with my youngest brother who shares his name, and is probably the sibling most similar to me, and tied in with my maternal grandfather, Poppy, who also shares Gray's name. I was the last grandchild to see my Poppy, he died a slow and painful death 6 months to the day of my grandmother. He was much worse off when we got to the hospital and they weren't going to let any of the grand kids in, but I was definitely feeding off everyone's sadness and was inconsolable and my mother convinced a nurse to let me in. Sometimes I regret seeing him like that, frail and dying and looking nothing like himself, but the last words my Poppy said to me as he held my face in his hands were "Don't cry doll, it's all going to be ok". My Poppy was a lifeguard in his prime, and right after I sent a picture of the ocean to Gray I thought I saw my Poppy in the ocean staring back at me. I told Gray I think I really needed to hear someone who understands the pain I'm feeling right now, to tell me I'm going to be ok, and that it means a whole lot to me. I was nine years old when I lost my Poppy, about to turn 10. He will be dead 19 years this May 1st. Over the weekend I decided I wanted to celebrate being done with the debt from my Sailor but didn't want a tattoo. I am done getting tattoos for that chapter in my life, but I've been wanting to get an undercut for the summer, taste the waters of a buzz cut that'll eventually happen. So instead of waiting to do that until around my birthday like I planned, decided to try and do it this weekend, but hair salons don't take last minute reservations haha. But it worked out that I was able to get one on May 1st, and I hadn't been able to decide on a design, and when I realized it coincided with the anniversary of my Poppy's death and how the ocean and the beach are my happy place, I realized the design had to be waves.
The grief of losing Him, it hits me in waves, just like the high of the edibles came in waves, and I think between moving into my own place, finding a new job, and club frisbee season, I can dive below long enough that when I come back up in the fall, the waters will be calmer, and maybe I'll be ready to welcome love back in again.
The Friday before the Miami trip I was with my twin, love monkey, and shazz and we decided to celebrate the holiday with some edibles. However, I very rarely par-take in that sort of thing, my tolerance is much lower than I ever realize, and I ended up getting WAY TOO high. Like existential crisis left my body kinda high. And HE called me right as the weed was kicking in and I know the anxiety attack that, that induced most definitely contributed to how fucked up I was. We had been watching The Room, but a sped up version, which made everyone's voices high pitched, and He and I had seen the Disaster Artist together and I just kept wishing I could talk to him because I knew he'd find the whole thing just as funny as I did. Then bam, he calls, and I no longer have his number in my phone, but I recognized it, and I looked at it ringing and was like do I answer?? And I walked away to the back porch and tried to answer, but I had missed the call. I sat there and wondered if I should call back, or if he would text, and in the end I just went back inside and tried to be present, but my heart was pounding. Then my twin finally got back from work and joined in on the fun and we we're talking about how my last follow up appointment for thyroid/cancer scare is on our birthday. So Twin ends up making this comment about when the cancer scare first happened, and how he worried that it was a Dorian Gray situation and all the bad shit he did to his body, manifested in me. Just thinking about him worrying about that totally set me off and I began to cry and he tried to comfort me and I told him how much I miss him and that I look for him in the people around me and I've surrounded myself with all these sad men, and I can't help any of them. He told me it wasn't my job to save them, and I told him I only ever wanted to save you, and then apparently devolved into demonic sobs and thus began hours of me coming in and out of lucidness. Screaming at the top of my lungs, writhing, trying to scratch at my face, singing and gibberish. On my end, I basically lived my entire life forwards and backwards all at the same time and kept cycling through all the emotions, and was living through moments that brought forth those emotions. I wasn't always me either, sometimes I was fucking famous people, experiencing life through them like Elvis, and Beyonce, but then also His dog, and finally met all these people in his life, as His dog. Everything felt so real... the pain, in the core of my being, was something I don't think I could ever fully express, but then that was reflected back just as intense during the highs which would go from general happiness to the ecstasy of an orgasm to the intensity of laughing so hard you're crying. But everything circled back to how we are all connected and we're just reflections of each other in all the extremes. I'm pretty sure the experience changed me, to say the least. But every time I would cycle through the emotions, and I was getting close to climax, I knew I was with the love of my life, but I could never see their face. I remember thinking it was Him, and wanting so badly for it to be him, and spending the next few days in Miami wondering why he called and reading so much into my experience while high thinking that maybe we do get to have our someday and I just have to be patient.
Wednesday morning of last week rolled around and I was so anxious to go back into that building. I couldn't get myself to get out of my bed and start my day and I knew it was because of Him. So I emailed this:
"I don't know why you called me, or if you tried again, because I blocked you. Too many times over the past three years, this roller coaster with you has not only hurt me to my core, but has managed to suck the happy from other aspects of my life and I just couldn't chance that this weekend when I finally had the opportunity to reconnect with [Twinny]. As addicted to the high of you as I am, I desperately want off this ride. You know how I feel about you, and us, and what I want, and until you can offer that, you need to leave me be, because I will not settle for anything less than that. You may have things to say, but I no longer trust anything that comes out of that mouth, so no need to waste the breath. Come home to me when you've made room for me."
Only to get this supremely cold reply back:
"Sorry. That was a total accident. You show up in my frequent call list and I tried to delete it by swiping and it fucking called you. Dumb move. Sorry."
Those are the only words He has said to me in nearly a month, and I don't know, it just made me crack. If He wants to talk to me like I mean nothing to him, then strangers is what we will be. I applied for a new job the very next day. Initially His response made me feel like such an idiot, and so weak. I cried hard in my cube and I wonder if anyone noticed...but silver lining, it pushed me to reach out to my therapist and I'm hopefully going to get back into regular sessions.
All through out this I've been talking to Gray, and he's been great but it was also weird cuz I know it put Gray in a weird spot and I knew part of the interaction for me, was because I missed Him so fucking much, that Gray's words helped comfort me more than anyone else could, but it was mostly because he's been me in this situation, being lead on, believing something real was about to start and that you had all this time ahead of you to love this person and make memories with them, only to have them change their mind seemingly out of the blue. I told Gray we couldn't chat anymore, even though I've really enjoyed it, but I knew I needed to tell him about how I had said his name several times while I was out of my mind high. And that I knew that he was tied in with my youngest brother who shares his name, and is probably the sibling most similar to me, and tied in with my maternal grandfather, Poppy, who also shares Gray's name. I was the last grandchild to see my Poppy, he died a slow and painful death 6 months to the day of my grandmother. He was much worse off when we got to the hospital and they weren't going to let any of the grand kids in, but I was definitely feeding off everyone's sadness and was inconsolable and my mother convinced a nurse to let me in. Sometimes I regret seeing him like that, frail and dying and looking nothing like himself, but the last words my Poppy said to me as he held my face in his hands were "Don't cry doll, it's all going to be ok". My Poppy was a lifeguard in his prime, and right after I sent a picture of the ocean to Gray I thought I saw my Poppy in the ocean staring back at me. I told Gray I think I really needed to hear someone who understands the pain I'm feeling right now, to tell me I'm going to be ok, and that it means a whole lot to me. I was nine years old when I lost my Poppy, about to turn 10. He will be dead 19 years this May 1st. Over the weekend I decided I wanted to celebrate being done with the debt from my Sailor but didn't want a tattoo. I am done getting tattoos for that chapter in my life, but I've been wanting to get an undercut for the summer, taste the waters of a buzz cut that'll eventually happen. So instead of waiting to do that until around my birthday like I planned, decided to try and do it this weekend, but hair salons don't take last minute reservations haha. But it worked out that I was able to get one on May 1st, and I hadn't been able to decide on a design, and when I realized it coincided with the anniversary of my Poppy's death and how the ocean and the beach are my happy place, I realized the design had to be waves.
The grief of losing Him, it hits me in waves, just like the high of the edibles came in waves, and I think between moving into my own place, finding a new job, and club frisbee season, I can dive below long enough that when I come back up in the fall, the waters will be calmer, and maybe I'll be ready to welcome love back in again.
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