Clean Slate

That is my goal right now, to do whatever it is I need to make my heart a clean slate. But that's unfortunately hard when I can't seem to fucking escape Him. The house we stayed in in the USVI was his favorite number, the first song he ever shared with me was playing in the background of a commercial when I first got there, a boat in the bay was called "someday came", the child of one of the families staying in our complex had his name. I honestly felt like the universe was laughing at me. We communicated back and forth a bit and He's finally talking to a lawyer. So that's good, at least he's moving forward with his life. Was able to point blank ask if our someday was still out there and all he said was that he really didn't know, that it's hard to think about any future relationships when he's still trying to get out of his marriage. So I told him it's hard to let go of all of this when I still don't know we're not a good fit, but that I'll do my best to move on, but that we don't need to be dead to each other. I was definitely feeling anxiety about being back in the office today, was really nice not having to deal with my daily commute of rapidly rising anxiety. Luckily I really don't bump into him that much, but it's hard to not over think being in the break room wondering if he'll pop in while I'm there, and if he's going to acknowledge me, or look through me like I'm nothing. I really don't know which is better, a little glimmer of hope that I matter to him, or feeling my heart break just a little bit more. I guess in the moving forward department, it'd be the latter. While it's been easy to fall back into the mindset of  "he doesn't love me or care about me" that I cultivated over the last three years, I'm not so sure that it's helpful. I've been trying to focus more on the gray of the situation. I love someone who cares about me, just not the same way I care about them. That happens, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't force myself to stop loving him, but I can decide to stop wanting him. I know that I want someone who wants to be with me, and values and appreciates me, and bottom line that isn't Him.

Three years ago I tried to pretend everything with him didn't mean as much as it did and threw myself back into dating. Things with Phoenix were kinda a shit show, and I wasn't ready for it at all. I dated many other dudes after him and nothing meant anything to me. I don't want to continue that pattern or trajectory. I just want to do my best to stop using other people to sooth me and distract me from my pain, cuz when the pain is gone, I wanna know for sure it's gone because of me, and that I'll be content with my life because of choices I've made to build it into that and no one will be able to take that away from me cuz my happiness won't be dependent on someone else's presence in it.  I'm closing in on three months of no dating or talking with dudes and recently decided on my next tattoo in honor of this #6monthsofselflove. There's this quote by Beau Taplin that I came across for the first time the summer I left my Sailor. It struck me then, and then resonated more when things with Him were going on three years ago, I actually shared the quote with him and it's on my quote wall at work. Two weeks ago I had a dream where I had a quote tattoo on my right rib cage. It was several lines and I couldn't read it, but it looked great. The next morning as I was waiting for my laptop to boot up, I checked Instagram and Beau Taplin has re-shared this quote and it was the first thing in my feed. You can't deny something like that... So on June 13th, the first full day of my last year in my twenties, and the official day it'll be 6 months since my last kiss I'm going to get this put on me forever:

One day, whether

you are 14, 28, or 65

you will stumble upon someone who
will start a fire in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest, most awful truth
you will ever come to find,

is they are not always

with whom we spend our lives.