This time around

One whole week of no communication and tomorrow will mark two months since the last time we kissed. Eight weeks apart was my record with my Sailor, somehow between visits and such even with him in the Navy, that was the longest across six years. Since becoming sexually active at 17 my longest time frame without engaging in all that is I guess three months, from freshman year when my First everything and I stayed together that first semester and he didn't end up coming for Halloween. I really wish he had visited, just once, I would have loved to have shared Burlington with him. He and I actually met up last Friday and got dinner and then went to Dave & Busters and had a really awesome night. We got super into this Jurassic park game, he got some bonus thing on frogger and won a bunch of tickets and let me pick a prize, and then later I fucking killed it at pool. There was a time in my life where I never thought we'd be on speaking terms, let alone in this place of being able to check in on each other, and even hanging out and always knowing we're rooting for each other's happiness. I loved this boy, and as ridiculous as it is, I sincerely thought he would be my one and only and that we'd get married. The way that all ended crushed me and I know for sure I wasn't over it when things started with my Sailor six months later.  But one thing I hadn't ever fully accepted was that when First and I started, I was vulnerable then too because my Dad had just left and my twin was in his first serious thing and so the two most important men in my life at age 16 made me feel abandoned and unimportant. It's like I've spent the last 12 years trying to be enough to be important and seeking that validation from the men in my life when in reality there was never anything I did for those circumstances to occur... it was just life. So I have had to acknowledge that I have no idea what it's like to enter into a relationship from a place of stability and self assurance and like FUCK that. How could I have ever possibly hoped to be happy when I had never reached contentedness on my own? 

I wish it was more than just a week of no communication, but the 3rd was the anniversary of when He finally confronted his wife about what the fuck was going on and then found out about her affair. I thought a lot about Him that day and was genuinely worrying about his state of mind. So I ended up emailing him with a bunch of my thoughts and words of encouragement I guess. He did respond, but it was still cold. It's crazy to think this same person once told me they loved me so much for being me and how understanding I am that it makes him want to die for me...I wish I could be angry but I really just can't. I just miss him, and love him, and want to be there for him and to help him and yet I know that I can't be. I know I am not the same girl I was three years ago, I know I have grown so much and know so much more about my worth and what I deserve. I want to do this better this time, I don't want to be weak and desperate. I don't want another slut phase, I don't want my number to be any higher honestly. I spent the last three years not caring who I shared my body with because honestly, none of it meant anything to me. Three years ago it was easier to write everything off as just a "fling" and we just got carried away and it was only 6 weeks, what do you know. So I threw myself into dating and I was loud and obnoxious about it. Partly because I think I was trying to convince myself it was what I wanted, even though even then I knew my heart was His, and possibly would be for the rest of my life. But I know a huge driving factor for my behavior was this desire to not let him forget me, to force the presence of me into his life, even if it was bad. Not great... I know, but I think it's hard to consider long-term consequences of actions when you're hurting.

This time around though I don't want to do anything that takes me off course of my long term goals. I don't want to use other people to feel better, I want to know that when the day comes that I wake up and I feel it in my bones that I'm truly happy with where my life is at, it'll all be because of me and what I did for me, cuz that'll mean no one can take that away from me.



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