Conflicted

I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel right now, so much of me is at odds with myself. I know that space and distance from Him is what I need but I also fucking hate it. I hate how every day I feel like I know him just a little bit less. I've attempted low key conversations with very minimal response from Him and it's starting to feel like I need to believe what he said last Thursday on the phone, that he doesn't miss me and that I should move on from all of this...

That notion is hard to swallow...the stubbornness in me has zero desire to give up on this, but the part of me that is tired of crying over the same fucking person for YEARS now just wants to be free of this. Hardest part about right now is that I keep finding myself in this head-space of feeling like I did something wrong... felt it strong enough to apologize on Valentine's Day and barely got an acknowledgement. I guess there's this part of me that wants things to go back to the beginning of the fall. Where there was this understanding that it was shit timing but that we loved each other and still wanted to be together and were waiting for that day. It doesn't feel that way at all right now.. it feels like I'm the disposable part of his life and that this is really it. It's done done and I don't want it to be. I fucking hate that every time things fall apart with Him I never actually get to say goodbye... I never know the last time I hug him, or kiss him, is the last time. Maybe in the long run that's better but right now I would give anything to have one more night in his arms.

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