Don't feed the sadness...
So I ended up blocking Him on facebook and on the communicator at work this week. I woke up Tuesday morning to an email from the realtor for this adorable studio in Bryn Mawr saying I'd been chosen by the landlord out of the four applicants and it was just the biggest relief to know I'll be moving out of my parents house and that for the first time in my life I'm going to be living alone and have a space that is all mine. I was so happy and then as I drove to work I felt that usual anxiety start to creep in and after talking it over with Buddha I decided I wasn't doing it out of anger, I was doing it for me. I know I lack the self control to curb those self-inflicted torture sessions, and they are SO bad for me. I also know that I don't want to be just his friend, and I doubt I ever will cuz I think a part of me would always still want more and so that friendship would invariably be disingenuous. On top of that, frankly I don't think He wants to be my friend either, cuz if he did, he'd let me play softball with the work team. I have no idea what the future holds, but right now, I am so tired of the sadness, and there is so much in my life to be happy about.
I think it has been harder to see that lately because my life right now is overwhelmingly filled with engagements, batcherlorette parties, bridal and baby showers, weddings and baptisms, and that has made it hard to ignore the pangs of loneliness with hints of jealousy and the occasional dash of self pity that create the space for a voice to say "will that ever be my life". And I fucking hate it, because all I really want is to be happy for the people I love and their happiness. His best friend and I have been low key chatting via instagram for a few months now I guess, we can call him Gray. The man pulls off the gray in a serious way. So Gray's younger sister, who I also know.... recently announced her pregnancy and Gray is still single, never close to getting married, and 6 years older, and I guess I thought he'd have a good perspective. So I outright asked him if that voice ever goes away, or at least gets quieter. Was surprised, but grateful for his thoughtful and honest response and Gray basically said he still has struggles but that happiness is a frame of mind, and no one is ever 100% satisfied, that if their love life isn't their issue, maybe it's their job, or money woes or what have you and you just have to do your best to focus more on the good and change what you can and let go of what you can't. Gray suggested throwing myself into new hobbies, and adventures and meeting people that way and in general finding the happy elsewhere in my life. Some of these are definitely lessons I learned three years ago when I found frisbee and a new community and single friends. However all those friends are now in committed relationships half of them living with the SOs. But I honestly don't have a desire to meet anyone new, I think I want to spend more time alone, and more time investing into my current relationships and reviving my friendships with Twinny and Shazz and my college girls.
Normally when I make a decision like this I would reach out to Him, and I didn't do that this time, cuz for once the choice was for me, to try and start loving me more... I wasn't sure he would notice, and definitely didn't think he would care, but I really don't want this to be interpreted as something done out of anger. I don't want animosity, I just needed to make my safe space larger. Anytime I'd log on, facebook would tell me how long ago He'd been on, and I couldn't help but wonder if he'd seen stuff I posted or whatever, and if he was ever green in my buddy list I'd like immediately log off. None of that is good...and I already have to deal with bumping into Him at work, I didn't want to keep myself open to his whims and field random conversation when I really am trying to be a better employee and find satisfaction in my job again, so blocked him there too. Wednesday morning as I walked into the office it was bright out and there was a glare on the front doors so I couldn't see into the building. I was prepping myself to be in the building and wondering if He had already noticed what I had done and as I get closer I can tell there's someone on their way out, but still haven't see who, so I hold the door open, only for it to of course be Him. I wonder if my genuine surprise was visible on my face, I couldn't manage to maintain eye contact or even say hello back, he had his dog with him, and all I could manage was a "Hi dog!" and that was it. Some days I swear the universe is laughing at me.
I think it has been harder to see that lately because my life right now is overwhelmingly filled with engagements, batcherlorette parties, bridal and baby showers, weddings and baptisms, and that has made it hard to ignore the pangs of loneliness with hints of jealousy and the occasional dash of self pity that create the space for a voice to say "will that ever be my life". And I fucking hate it, because all I really want is to be happy for the people I love and their happiness. His best friend and I have been low key chatting via instagram for a few months now I guess, we can call him Gray. The man pulls off the gray in a serious way. So Gray's younger sister, who I also know.... recently announced her pregnancy and Gray is still single, never close to getting married, and 6 years older, and I guess I thought he'd have a good perspective. So I outright asked him if that voice ever goes away, or at least gets quieter. Was surprised, but grateful for his thoughtful and honest response and Gray basically said he still has struggles but that happiness is a frame of mind, and no one is ever 100% satisfied, that if their love life isn't their issue, maybe it's their job, or money woes or what have you and you just have to do your best to focus more on the good and change what you can and let go of what you can't. Gray suggested throwing myself into new hobbies, and adventures and meeting people that way and in general finding the happy elsewhere in my life. Some of these are definitely lessons I learned three years ago when I found frisbee and a new community and single friends. However all those friends are now in committed relationships half of them living with the SOs. But I honestly don't have a desire to meet anyone new, I think I want to spend more time alone, and more time investing into my current relationships and reviving my friendships with Twinny and Shazz and my college girls.
Normally when I make a decision like this I would reach out to Him, and I didn't do that this time, cuz for once the choice was for me, to try and start loving me more... I wasn't sure he would notice, and definitely didn't think he would care, but I really don't want this to be interpreted as something done out of anger. I don't want animosity, I just needed to make my safe space larger. Anytime I'd log on, facebook would tell me how long ago He'd been on, and I couldn't help but wonder if he'd seen stuff I posted or whatever, and if he was ever green in my buddy list I'd like immediately log off. None of that is good...and I already have to deal with bumping into Him at work, I didn't want to keep myself open to his whims and field random conversation when I really am trying to be a better employee and find satisfaction in my job again, so blocked him there too. Wednesday morning as I walked into the office it was bright out and there was a glare on the front doors so I couldn't see into the building. I was prepping myself to be in the building and wondering if He had already noticed what I had done and as I get closer I can tell there's someone on their way out, but still haven't see who, so I hold the door open, only for it to of course be Him. I wonder if my genuine surprise was visible on my face, I couldn't manage to maintain eye contact or even say hello back, he had his dog with him, and all I could manage was a "Hi dog!" and that was it. Some days I swear the universe is laughing at me.
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