Love is not enough

I should have just written this earlier. I knew I needed to get all these thoughts out of my head but was like it's late already with having basketball, just go to sleep. Yet I dicked around on my phone for like four hours doing I don't even know what with some obsessive re-reading of emails and texts with Him thrown in... Wild how sometimes the only person you want to talk to, is the very person who hurt you. I made it a week of being "just a friend" and made it means I cried myself to sleep like 4 nights in a row and was always still waiting to see when he'd have time for me except now I no longer know if he loves me and if I mean anything to him at all so yea... My mental health quickly deteriorated.

Went over Burdman's on Thursday to drink and commiserate... And at one point he was like, you've gotta get to a place where you're secure and happy in your life and only let things in that make it better and stop settling for less than you deserve. So before passing out that night, sent a novel of a text to Him basically saying this is too hard I can't be just your friend, I want someone who can say fuck yea I want this and it's obviously not you and you don't need me anyways... That was now four days ago and it feels like a month and still no reply. I don't know what he could have said or even what I wanted Him to have said... Would have just been more empty words.

Hung out with Density on Saturday and we made dinner together at his place, ate edibles and then attempted to play a card game but then got continuously lost in conversation and you tube and honestly had a wonderfully fun evening and I crashed on his couch. But for the first time in our friendship I felt a level of sexual tension and since it was becoming the first day I hadn't cried in a week I couldn't bring up what had happened and kinda didn't want him thinking of me as single. I ended up telling him that things were done with Him the next morning and he definitely wasn't shy about being happy about that fact... Like he told me he was sorry that I'm hurting but that it's a blessing in disguise and that it wasn't a healthy situation and that I deserve something way more simple. Then he asked what would happen if He came to me in six months and said I'm ready, I want to be with you, and I was like He'd have to have taken care of a whole lot of things before I'd ever re-enter that. I actually wrote a list.

I honestly haven't decided if I'm trying to move on from Him forever or just taking space for myself so I can reset to expecting nothing from Him. Then maybe I could be more of a friend... But right now it just hurts to pretend that I don't want to be with him. I can't turn off caring about him. Was definitely shocked to get zero response from Him and then had an overwhelming feeling to reach out to his best friend to let him know I'm stepping away from it all and that he really needs to check in regularly with Him cuz he's not ok and needs all the support he can get. Perhaps I crossed a line with that one but it's hard to ignore gut feelings sometimes.

For now I'm embarking on #6monthsofselflove cuz I love alliteration and sexual innuendos and this one girl's "180 days of not dating" really resonated. The 6 months will take me to my birthday. No dating, no physical stuff and keep flirting to a minimum. I'd say no flirting but I'm not actually sure I fully know how to interact with men I'm attracted to without flirting... I'm gonna focus on building my own happily ever after and at the end of it I guess I'll have to decide if I'm giving up on that someday and maybe see things through with Density or meet someone new, or continue doing just me until He takes care of all that he needs to.

Definitely feels like life decided I needed a refresher course in "love is not enough", a lesson I thought I'd learned the hard way with my marriage. As long as He wanted to be with me, I was willing to figure it out, no matter what cuz it always felt like there was an end goal of togetherness. Now it feels unclear that I mean anything to Him, that even though it has been hard the whole time, the moment I added to the stress was when he gave up and that's what hurts the most. Relationships take effort and consistency, understanding and patience, appreciation and kindness, not just love. I hope someday someone will put in what I put in.

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