Despondent

Feeling relatively despondent today...checking social media far too often cuz I'm craving attention. I know it's important that I've decided to not use men and sex to sooth me but that coping mechanism was way more fun then the significant amount of time I spend lost in my own thoughts and crying frequently. It's nice having a go to person to talk to about the nothings of your everyday...they very often are whom ever you're currently involved with at whatever level...but also convenience. My best girlfriend at work,  is probably who I talk to the most, almost every day, and then after her maybe Density. Should give her a name though... Buddah feels fitting. Hard to explain but it works on many levels. Today she asked me to put myself in His shoes, all the shit he's dealing with, then add in all the feels I have for him, and then asked me if I would treat Him the way he has treated me and I immediately said never. Because when you love someone, you don't treat them like they're disposable, you don't make them feel like they're nothing, you don't make them question if they matter to you, no matter what else is going on in your life. It doesn't matter that I seemingly love Him unconditionally, he continues to prove He doesn't care for me the same way and the sooner I accept that, the better off I will be. Just wish there was a fast forward button, this sadness is heavy, it makes me lethargic. I miss Him so fucking much and I know that I will for a very long time but eventually I'll wake up one morning and he will no longer be the first thing I think of. That day will come, hopefully sooner than later.