Sometimes we all need a little tough love...

Had a pretty eye opening and frank conversation with my college besties about all the nonsense that is Him... Made me think really hard about what I'm doing. No I don't want him to remain a what if but there's nothing I can do to make him be ready to try being in a real relationship with me and I'm only disrespecting myself for settling for anything less than that. I cried for a while and then I sent him this:

A dramatic long email from me! Your favorite... I'm not gonna be able to get through this in person without bawling so honestly this is best. I've definitely had more time to digest all that happened the last few days and while I know we've come to this agreement of a fake long distance relationship to relieve some of the pressure and expectations, I think I'm ready to accept that even that is a bad idea.

I hate that even for a second you really thought I'm only in it for the sex cuz you mean so much more than that to me. Hasn't felt this way lately, but without a doubt this fall, you became my best friend. Anything bad or good, you're the first person I want to talk it over with. But the way you've handled things this past year... haven't been great when it comes to me, but it's my own fault for allowing it. I think my tolerance for bullshit really is quite warped due to my childhood and I need to do a better job at protecting myself. It doesn't help that I really do give you additional leeway because you're what I want, but I'm not doing myself or a potential future us any favors doing that. I don't want you ever thinking that how things have been has been even close to enough for me. I often say I didn't get divorced to settle and I really gotta fucking remember that, especially when it comes to you. I know I don't deserve to constantly feel like I'm not enough to deserve your time and attention and right now it's pretty impossible to avoid that. 

You bringing me back into the mess of all this before you're actually ready to be with me is unfair and selfish. But it takes a lot to be honest with someone you care about especially when you know the truth will hurt them. You've been telling me not even just this past Sunday but in other less direct ways with comments and your behavior, that you truly are not available for a relationship, even some mock long distance bullshit. I'm being an idiot trying to ignore it, but I can't help it, I want this, us, more than I've ever wanted anything. But I'm being just as selfish holding you hostage in something you're not ready for by threatening the loss of my friendship. 

So I'm releasing you from any romantic involvement with me, with zero repercussions when it comes to my friendship.This kills me, but I know it's the right thing, and I know it's going to be so fucking hard and there's no guarantee we'll ever become more, but you don't love people for what you get back.  I sincerely hope one day our someday will be here and you'll have put the work in to get to a place where you'll ask me out on a real and proper date that even your mom knows about. For now I'm just gonna work on getting myself to a place where I'm gonna be ok even if that never happens.

Love you so much. You're gonna get through all this and I'm here for you when you need me.

Hopefully all the brain power I'll no longer be wasting focusing on a broken mess I cannot fix, I'll use to improve the relationships with the people that matter in my life who do have room for me.  

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