Defeated
That's the overwhelming feeling I have right now, defeated. I thought I'd be more sad this weekend, and there were times I was, and last night I cried myself to sleep, but mostly I feel numb and this overwhelming sense of defeat. Perhaps I wasn't fully aware just how hard I was trying at this whole thing, how hard I was working to be ok in a less than ideal situation. It definitely wasn't enough but right now it feels like it was a lot when I'm not really hearing from him at all. Granted he has been sick... but still I guess he really didn't want to be involved with me more than I thought. I'm still trying though, trying to be ok with just being friends, trying to show that it's not weird, but his reactions or lack there of continue to hurt my feelings and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about that.
So much of right now, feels like three years ago and it makes me want to sleep forever. Yesterday morning during my drive back from North Jersey there was a pretty nasty accident on 95 and traffic got really bad. I was in such a dark mood though I wasn't even listening to music, not even in traffic, that's how lost in thought I was. Considering what are the options? One, he puts the work in and takes all the steps he needs to and we finally get a real shot but who knows how long that will take and who knows what happens from there, two, he never does and I meet someone else, three, he never does and I never figure out how to let go and I end up alone.... So there we are, haven't moved at all for a good 10 minutes and I'm stuck in the middle lane in between two tractor trailers telling myself I should prepare to die alone, that's the worst case scenario so if I'm good with that, everything else will be a pleasant surprise. Then all of a sudden the truck in front of me just started rolling back, the truck behind me starts honking like crazy and for a hot second I thought please just run me over, just let it all be done, and he kept coming and was literally about to hit me and just in time this inner voice is like what the fuck are you doing and my body reacts and I quickly put my car in reverse and backed up and continued backing up for a good minute because that truck obviously had no idea I was there.... thank god the truck behind me wasn't on my ass.
I just really wish there was a way to turn off feelings. I just don't know how I'm supposed to pretend that I'm ok with just being friends when I can't help but remember how in love with him I am. When I can't help remembering things like how I felt the weekend I moved back. I vividly remember that Sunday morning getting up to pee and walking back into my room seeing him asleep in my bed and I just smiled, but the kind of smile where you feel your whole body smiling. I couldn't believe after all that we'd been through there he was, and here I was about to get in next to him. I hadn't felt that happy in probably 5 years...But the last month has been hard, the things he said on his birthday crushed me and right now I'd much rather not know him then pretend to be ok being just friends, but I love him and that's what he has said he needs so I have to figure it out. But it's hard to quiet the insecurities... the voices that wonder did it mean anything at all and what do I mean to Him now. The parts of me that are afraid that he'll never leave his current life, that I'll never truly get to see what it means to be with Him, sometimes feel overpowering. Those parts tell me he doesn't love me, never did, and only ever uses me to help deal with the chaos of his life...Then eventually another part makes me remember the happy moments, the scattered times when it was just us and all the circumstances didn't matter, and there we were, chatting, laughing, fucking, cuddling, waking up next to each other. I didn't make any of that up.... and a part of me knows I can't feel what I feel if it's one sided.
I had such a vivid dream Saturday night, it was obviously a weekday I was finally in my own place and he came over after dinner time and we went to the gym together, did our own thing while there but there was lingering glances and a few passing kisses and a sneaky butt grab... Wrapped up our workouts and went back to my place, showered together, fooled around, then settled in to watch a movie and passed out. Woke up next to him with his back facing me and the last moment of the dream before I woke up was me tracing his As. It felt so real and it's hard to explain the ache that I felt when I realized that it wasn't and something like that may never happen. How do you make your heart stop wanting what it wants... I didn't figure it out in three years after only six weeks, now I've had months of him being a regular entity in my life, how the fuck am I supposed to move on now?
So much of right now, feels like three years ago and it makes me want to sleep forever. Yesterday morning during my drive back from North Jersey there was a pretty nasty accident on 95 and traffic got really bad. I was in such a dark mood though I wasn't even listening to music, not even in traffic, that's how lost in thought I was. Considering what are the options? One, he puts the work in and takes all the steps he needs to and we finally get a real shot but who knows how long that will take and who knows what happens from there, two, he never does and I meet someone else, three, he never does and I never figure out how to let go and I end up alone.... So there we are, haven't moved at all for a good 10 minutes and I'm stuck in the middle lane in between two tractor trailers telling myself I should prepare to die alone, that's the worst case scenario so if I'm good with that, everything else will be a pleasant surprise. Then all of a sudden the truck in front of me just started rolling back, the truck behind me starts honking like crazy and for a hot second I thought please just run me over, just let it all be done, and he kept coming and was literally about to hit me and just in time this inner voice is like what the fuck are you doing and my body reacts and I quickly put my car in reverse and backed up and continued backing up for a good minute because that truck obviously had no idea I was there.... thank god the truck behind me wasn't on my ass.
I just really wish there was a way to turn off feelings. I just don't know how I'm supposed to pretend that I'm ok with just being friends when I can't help but remember how in love with him I am. When I can't help remembering things like how I felt the weekend I moved back. I vividly remember that Sunday morning getting up to pee and walking back into my room seeing him asleep in my bed and I just smiled, but the kind of smile where you feel your whole body smiling. I couldn't believe after all that we'd been through there he was, and here I was about to get in next to him. I hadn't felt that happy in probably 5 years...But the last month has been hard, the things he said on his birthday crushed me and right now I'd much rather not know him then pretend to be ok being just friends, but I love him and that's what he has said he needs so I have to figure it out. But it's hard to quiet the insecurities... the voices that wonder did it mean anything at all and what do I mean to Him now. The parts of me that are afraid that he'll never leave his current life, that I'll never truly get to see what it means to be with Him, sometimes feel overpowering. Those parts tell me he doesn't love me, never did, and only ever uses me to help deal with the chaos of his life...Then eventually another part makes me remember the happy moments, the scattered times when it was just us and all the circumstances didn't matter, and there we were, chatting, laughing, fucking, cuddling, waking up next to each other. I didn't make any of that up.... and a part of me knows I can't feel what I feel if it's one sided.
I had such a vivid dream Saturday night, it was obviously a weekday I was finally in my own place and he came over after dinner time and we went to the gym together, did our own thing while there but there was lingering glances and a few passing kisses and a sneaky butt grab... Wrapped up our workouts and went back to my place, showered together, fooled around, then settled in to watch a movie and passed out. Woke up next to him with his back facing me and the last moment of the dream before I woke up was me tracing his As. It felt so real and it's hard to explain the ache that I felt when I realized that it wasn't and something like that may never happen. How do you make your heart stop wanting what it wants... I didn't figure it out in three years after only six weeks, now I've had months of him being a regular entity in my life, how the fuck am I supposed to move on now?
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