Goodbye for good or just for now?
Full body sobs today. Last time I cried like that was back in June again because this asshole doesn't know what he wants. I know we both thought we were going to get the space we desperately needed when I left for disaster work and now that's not happening. I know he has been super stressed and very overwhelmed lately with work being crazy on top of the insane that is his life. He has barely had room for me at all.
So no I'm not surprised that we're taking a break, but I am surprised that the conversation really went more towards maybe we should just be done. He admitted to no longer being sure he wants to get divorced. I knew it was all still bad timing and that he couldn't offer much, but when he reached back out in August he said he really was sure that his path was the same with or without me. I guess I was stupid to believe that. Certainly feel like an idiot right about now. But I mostly feel devastated. I really believed we were finally on our way to getting a chance at that someday.
We left things off with this is just a break but with zero discussion of for how long but he still wants to talk but no hangouts... But like fuck that. At least I was getting sex out of it before, I'm not trying to hear all about his drama and still very rarely get room to vent about my own shit and then no longer get the moments of happy amidst the shit. I told him I couldn't be just his friend, I'm not sure he believed me.
He kept telling me I deserve more, that I'm selling myself short by being with him. That I'm wasting my time with him because he's pretty sure he doesn't want more kids and even though I'm unsure he thinks I will. He said he still often feels like he never wants to be in a relationship again. I remember feeling that way. I remember what it's like to barely have the will to just do life let alone have expectations from others. It's why I know I've been able to be so understanding. But no, how things have been is not enough for me. Part of me knows this is for the best, the situation was really hard and stressful and made me crazy a lot of the time. While a lot will get better with time, so much of it will never really go away. I love him even more than I did three years ago and am even more convinced we're good for each other. But the circumstances suck and they never will get much better. Maybe it shouldn't be goodbye for now. Maybe it should be goodbye for good, but just writing that makes my heart break into a million pieces and brings the tears right back. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
So no I'm not surprised that we're taking a break, but I am surprised that the conversation really went more towards maybe we should just be done. He admitted to no longer being sure he wants to get divorced. I knew it was all still bad timing and that he couldn't offer much, but when he reached back out in August he said he really was sure that his path was the same with or without me. I guess I was stupid to believe that. Certainly feel like an idiot right about now. But I mostly feel devastated. I really believed we were finally on our way to getting a chance at that someday.
We left things off with this is just a break but with zero discussion of for how long but he still wants to talk but no hangouts... But like fuck that. At least I was getting sex out of it before, I'm not trying to hear all about his drama and still very rarely get room to vent about my own shit and then no longer get the moments of happy amidst the shit. I told him I couldn't be just his friend, I'm not sure he believed me.
He kept telling me I deserve more, that I'm selling myself short by being with him. That I'm wasting my time with him because he's pretty sure he doesn't want more kids and even though I'm unsure he thinks I will. He said he still often feels like he never wants to be in a relationship again. I remember feeling that way. I remember what it's like to barely have the will to just do life let alone have expectations from others. It's why I know I've been able to be so understanding. But no, how things have been is not enough for me. Part of me knows this is for the best, the situation was really hard and stressful and made me crazy a lot of the time. While a lot will get better with time, so much of it will never really go away. I love him even more than I did three years ago and am even more convinced we're good for each other. But the circumstances suck and they never will get much better. Maybe it shouldn't be goodbye for now. Maybe it should be goodbye for good, but just writing that makes my heart break into a million pieces and brings the tears right back. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
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