The Crazy Fiery Wild One

Holy cow. It's been nearly five months since I've written in here! That's nuts. I think that's a really good testament to how much better I've been feeling about my life overall. That trip really was an awesome reset. I still have bad days, and I guess that's really just life, but I no longer feel so certain that I missed my shot at happiness with Him. I think for a while I was angry at the whole situation, feeling like I had left my Sailor to ensure I wasn't settling in my life, and then I fell for Him, and it crashed and burned and it felt like I was doomed to settle because no one would ever be Him. This summer I went on a few dates and there were a few new men in the picture, but nothing serious. I predominantly stayed single. Which feels like progress, however I definitely felt the most lonely at points this summer. I missed Phoenix like crazy and continued to wish we'd met maybe this summer, or even next summer. That whole thing feels extremely...

Ahhhh!!!!! My trip is almost over! Thank god I have a four day weekend to recover from it lol Yay past me for superb planning. Of course the last day would be the only one less than ideal. It's hailing here in Denver and my first flight got cancelled, moved to another, that got delayed and recently un-delayed? All I wanna say is, Southwest, stop messing with my emotions!! I honestly am having a hard time with where to even begin with this entry, the last two weeks have been more than I could have ever hoped for and just so wonderfully reinforced that sentiment I felt the last month or so that I don't know why I've been so preoccupied with the fact that I don't have an SO. Being lonely and being alone are such different things, and I am so far from being alone. All the friends and family I've seen and spending a week with someone who was so down with my wing it travel style was amazing.  Yes I would love to have someone, but there is literally nothing in my life righ...

So last week in therapy we finally started dredging up some of the really hard memories from Him. The stuff I don't like to talk about because it hurts. It was rough and I know there will be more at my session later today. I decided that maybe it would help to really remember it all and write about it, since getting it out of my head seems to be such a release for me. So I decided to write a poem of sorts, no set structure just what felt right. Decided I'm satisfied enough, it was worth sharing. "All the Things You Said" Apparently you've forgotten all the things you said, but unfortunately for me, I cannot forget... When you said "your face is so beautiful, I can barely keep myself together when I see you. Especially when you smile". Or when you sat across from me at the cafe and gave me such a look, and when I asked "what?" Your simple reply of "I wish it could always be like this" made my heart swell. Nor how it felt whe...

So I have two hours left to my work day today and I just can't focus right now. Was productive all morning, got my quality audits for the month of March in and then an extra two cuz I spaced on February.... whoops. Have a short little thing to wrap up for my supervisor but then this big old task for this other PM that's basically what an accountant should be doing who actually has training in our financial system... so I continually put if off because I know it won't be quick. Ugh. It's been over a month since I last wrote and some pretty shitty things have transpired. Phoenix and I are done, and for good this time even though that still makes me really sad. There were aspects of us that worked really well and I still think very highly of him, but it just wasn't working. It didn't feel right for either of us and if anything the situation just made me feel like it's hard to love me and had me wondering if the Sailor had been right all along, that I'm th...

Grad school has stolen my soul. This semester is killing me. All I want to do is sleep! I cannot wait to move downtown  I'm currently sitting on the train headed home at 12:30 in the morning. And I'm not even finished what I need to get done tonight!!!! I was sick for two weeks and it was the worst timing ever and put me behind in two of my classes and I still haven't caught up because me life is so scheduled out that if I don't do shit when I'm supposed to, it doesn't get done. Seriously though it became abundantly clear that the only way I did get everything done last semester was because I skipped out on sleep fairly often and got really good at three hour naps. My schedule this semester just doesn't lend itself to that with morning and afternoon classes instead of just morning... As long as I'm squared away by the time spring break rolls around, all will be well. I honestly don't give a damn about my grades because I know I'm truly taking t...

So since the last entry quite a bit has occurred, such as a very slutty week as finals were wrapping up. I seem to use male attention as a stress reliever. I started to talk about this all in my last therapy session but we ran out of time... I have such mixed emotions about being promiscuous, and whether or not it bothers me or if I view it as being disrespectful to myself. I know some of what happened was not the best of decisions considering who they were, but I don't think I regret it either? Maybe a little, I might regret doing things with Phoenix because I still have feelings for him and that just hurt. Burdman... it was more like redemption for the first time and it was a lot of fun but not so sure it's something that should ever happen again. I think I've made up my mind that he and I could never have a future together. My family is waaaay to much chaos for someone like him, and his rigidity doesn't really align with my free spirit self. I still love him and plan...