Blessings in Disguise
So I have two hours left to my work day today and I just can't focus right now. Was productive all morning, got my quality audits for the month of March in and then an extra two cuz I spaced on February.... whoops. Have a short little thing to wrap up for my supervisor but then this big old task for this other PM that's basically what an accountant should be doing who actually has training in our financial system... so I continually put if off because I know it won't be quick. Ugh.
It's been over a month since I last wrote and some pretty shitty things have transpired. Phoenix and I are done, and for good this time even though that still makes me really sad. There were aspects of us that worked really well and I still think very highly of him, but it just wasn't working. It didn't feel right for either of us and if anything the situation just made me feel like it's hard to love me and had me wondering if the Sailor had been right all along, that I'm the difficult one and expect too much. I just don't think I'm actually what Phoenix wanted, and he more liked the idea of me and not me. It doesn't really matter what he actually thought or felt because I definitely didn't feel like I was enough and that is not the kind of relationship I want for myself.
So of course that coincided with Him sending out emails about softball for work and got me wishing it was still the old days where I got to play with all my work friends instead of being put on the other team like last summer. I had a total relapse and emailed him a novel with all sorts of unnecessary ramblings with this line in there "It’s really hard to replace an ending you’d fallen in love with when you haven’t found a better one to replace it with". I guess a part of me was trying to figure out if he still thought of me at all because so much of me still wants that someday he talked about. His response was mature but he told me he has a filter on his gmail that immediately and permanently deletes any email from me, that he knows what happened has damaged me in ways he doesn't fully understand, but that he can't help me, all he can do is say he's sorry for what he did. It hurt to hear... I'm tearing up right now just typing this. I truly don't want to have feelings associated with this anymore but I haven't found a way to let go. It's very clear though that someday is deader than dead.
That same day I went to Wedding Wednesday at the flower show with one of my best friends, Shazz, and her mom, and another one of her bridesmaids. Like an idiot I'd worn heels that day and was already in pain by the end of the work day, and got held up at work late, so was late meeting up with everyone, so the night just didn't start off well. Then to be there and to see all these happy couples and moms and daughters...it was too much. My mom wasn't a part of my wedding planning, I never did any of that with her... and the whole life partner happiness feels so far away for me. I got lost in my own world and was not as enthusiastic or engaged as I should have been. The next day I tried to acknowledge that and apologize and thought all was well, but then that Sunday, Shazz said we needed to chat and apparently had spent the past few days convincing herself I was an emotional ticking time bomb and was only going to ruin things, and unasked me to be a bridesmaid.
I've spent the last two weeks trying to process that and haven't handled it well at all. I had therapy last night and then called one of my other historical friends, Twinny, who is also another bridesmaid. Initially it felt like Shazz was being dramatic and over reacting to me having a bad day. But the fact that I have similar issues with her and Twinny caused me to say in therapy that there must be a problem with me. While talking to Twinny on the phone after it just became abundantly clear that I've been a shit friend to both of them for quite some time now. From their perspective I only ever seem to come to them when something is wrong, and something is wrong fairly often in my life and I apparently have neglected to reciprocate. Knowing these women for more than two decades it's almost impossible to imagine my life without them... but I know that if I met either one of them today, I would think they were interesting and fine people, but I doubt that a friendship would grow. We're very different people with different interests, it makes it hard to talk sometimes. Shazz and I tend mostly to bond over the fact that I have a little insight into the life she has entered upon dating a man with children and now about to be their step mother. Twinny on the other hand, regular communication has dwindled, especially after everything with Him because I only ever felt judged. I never expected anyone to condone what I did, but I guess I did expect them to be there for me when I was so heart broken about it. But like Twinny said on the phone, all of the things that have "happened" to me, are all because of choices I've made. Talking on the phone with her, and the whole week prior I've just been in this place of maybe it's time to acknowledge things are different now and that history doesn't equal connection and maybe we're just hurting each other by trying to force something.
It seems I've become this burden they feel obligated to deal with and I'm not bringing much of a benefit to their lives. To acknowledge that sucks, because I can't help but think about how close we all were in high school, and how close Twinny and I were in college and how close Shazz and I were when I first moved back from school and she was there for me when I was planning my own wedding. These are women I always assumed I'd be a bridesmaid, and that one day my children would call them Aunt. But this whole thing has shattered that future vision and now I don't know what it looks like and I think that's what's making me most upset. I really don't know Twinny anymore, just versions of her across time, and she doesn't know me either just snippets from Shazz and the bad decisions I make. Shazz and I still have a semblance of a friendship, which makes her choice to demote me harder to swallow. But I do get it, this is a time that is supposed to be happy and exciting and about her and her life, why would she want to risk that being tainted by my abysmal outlook on love right now.
Last Friday I called Phoenix when I was waiting for my train to head out of the city because I was a little buzzed and alone and ruminating and just sad about everything. I shouldn't have called, but I'm glad he answered. I wanted to see him, I didn't want to be alone, but duh he declined. But he talked to me and just was like maybe it's a blessing in disguise. You're crazy busy, and still trying to get your financials in order, maybe just be grateful that it's now one less thing to worry about. I think I've decided that's the approach I want to take to this and try my best to navigate how to still be a part of this really big event in my friend's life. I just feel awkward and unwelcome at this point even though since the beginning of this mess she has said I want you to be involved. I just don't really know the place I would have...but that's why I need to talk to her and hopefully we can figure that out.
I went to PostSecret the show with my mom over the weekend, and I had wanted to ask Shazz to go, but I'm glad it worked out the way it did. I don't think it would have meant as much with anyone else. I'm so tired of being focused on the fact that I'm alone. I was so excited to be free from the Sailor and was scared about my future, but I knew without a doubt that it was going to be better. The show helped remind me that I'm not alone, and just reinforced this sentiment: "and everybody’s hurt, and mine ain’t the worst, But it’s mine and I’m feeling it now" which is a line from this song Rosemary that I'm obsessed with. Sometimes it's really good to put things in perspective but it's also healthy to acknowledge your pain and not to diminish it, feel it, and move on, because wallowing gets you no where. I don't have a significant other, have a shit ton of significant peeps that I love to catch up with and that's good enough for now. Someday someone will do nice things for me just to see me smile and there will be a day where I realize it's them and I know the feeling that's going to wash over me will make everything worth it.
I really just hope this is the last "big" thing to happen for a while. Life has felt really hard since like 2012. I'm at a point where it's beyond feeling physically tired. My soul is tired, and it aches all the time. Right now the moments I'm truly happy are when I'm playing frisbee. I don't know how I'd be surviving life right now if I hadn't stumbled across that community and the wonderful friends I've made. Hopefully they don't feel like I make it all about me... I never knew I did that, I never mean to. I just always share what's going on, but I know for sure that from here on out I will take the time to decide if it's the right time to share, or if it's a moment that should be happy and about someone else.
It's been over a month since I last wrote and some pretty shitty things have transpired. Phoenix and I are done, and for good this time even though that still makes me really sad. There were aspects of us that worked really well and I still think very highly of him, but it just wasn't working. It didn't feel right for either of us and if anything the situation just made me feel like it's hard to love me and had me wondering if the Sailor had been right all along, that I'm the difficult one and expect too much. I just don't think I'm actually what Phoenix wanted, and he more liked the idea of me and not me. It doesn't really matter what he actually thought or felt because I definitely didn't feel like I was enough and that is not the kind of relationship I want for myself.
So of course that coincided with Him sending out emails about softball for work and got me wishing it was still the old days where I got to play with all my work friends instead of being put on the other team like last summer. I had a total relapse and emailed him a novel with all sorts of unnecessary ramblings with this line in there "It’s really hard to replace an ending you’d fallen in love with when you haven’t found a better one to replace it with". I guess a part of me was trying to figure out if he still thought of me at all because so much of me still wants that someday he talked about. His response was mature but he told me he has a filter on his gmail that immediately and permanently deletes any email from me, that he knows what happened has damaged me in ways he doesn't fully understand, but that he can't help me, all he can do is say he's sorry for what he did. It hurt to hear... I'm tearing up right now just typing this. I truly don't want to have feelings associated with this anymore but I haven't found a way to let go. It's very clear though that someday is deader than dead.
That same day I went to Wedding Wednesday at the flower show with one of my best friends, Shazz, and her mom, and another one of her bridesmaids. Like an idiot I'd worn heels that day and was already in pain by the end of the work day, and got held up at work late, so was late meeting up with everyone, so the night just didn't start off well. Then to be there and to see all these happy couples and moms and daughters...it was too much. My mom wasn't a part of my wedding planning, I never did any of that with her... and the whole life partner happiness feels so far away for me. I got lost in my own world and was not as enthusiastic or engaged as I should have been. The next day I tried to acknowledge that and apologize and thought all was well, but then that Sunday, Shazz said we needed to chat and apparently had spent the past few days convincing herself I was an emotional ticking time bomb and was only going to ruin things, and unasked me to be a bridesmaid.
I've spent the last two weeks trying to process that and haven't handled it well at all. I had therapy last night and then called one of my other historical friends, Twinny, who is also another bridesmaid. Initially it felt like Shazz was being dramatic and over reacting to me having a bad day. But the fact that I have similar issues with her and Twinny caused me to say in therapy that there must be a problem with me. While talking to Twinny on the phone after it just became abundantly clear that I've been a shit friend to both of them for quite some time now. From their perspective I only ever seem to come to them when something is wrong, and something is wrong fairly often in my life and I apparently have neglected to reciprocate. Knowing these women for more than two decades it's almost impossible to imagine my life without them... but I know that if I met either one of them today, I would think they were interesting and fine people, but I doubt that a friendship would grow. We're very different people with different interests, it makes it hard to talk sometimes. Shazz and I tend mostly to bond over the fact that I have a little insight into the life she has entered upon dating a man with children and now about to be their step mother. Twinny on the other hand, regular communication has dwindled, especially after everything with Him because I only ever felt judged. I never expected anyone to condone what I did, but I guess I did expect them to be there for me when I was so heart broken about it. But like Twinny said on the phone, all of the things that have "happened" to me, are all because of choices I've made. Talking on the phone with her, and the whole week prior I've just been in this place of maybe it's time to acknowledge things are different now and that history doesn't equal connection and maybe we're just hurting each other by trying to force something.
It seems I've become this burden they feel obligated to deal with and I'm not bringing much of a benefit to their lives. To acknowledge that sucks, because I can't help but think about how close we all were in high school, and how close Twinny and I were in college and how close Shazz and I were when I first moved back from school and she was there for me when I was planning my own wedding. These are women I always assumed I'd be a bridesmaid, and that one day my children would call them Aunt. But this whole thing has shattered that future vision and now I don't know what it looks like and I think that's what's making me most upset. I really don't know Twinny anymore, just versions of her across time, and she doesn't know me either just snippets from Shazz and the bad decisions I make. Shazz and I still have a semblance of a friendship, which makes her choice to demote me harder to swallow. But I do get it, this is a time that is supposed to be happy and exciting and about her and her life, why would she want to risk that being tainted by my abysmal outlook on love right now.
Last Friday I called Phoenix when I was waiting for my train to head out of the city because I was a little buzzed and alone and ruminating and just sad about everything. I shouldn't have called, but I'm glad he answered. I wanted to see him, I didn't want to be alone, but duh he declined. But he talked to me and just was like maybe it's a blessing in disguise. You're crazy busy, and still trying to get your financials in order, maybe just be grateful that it's now one less thing to worry about. I think I've decided that's the approach I want to take to this and try my best to navigate how to still be a part of this really big event in my friend's life. I just feel awkward and unwelcome at this point even though since the beginning of this mess she has said I want you to be involved. I just don't really know the place I would have...but that's why I need to talk to her and hopefully we can figure that out.
I went to PostSecret the show with my mom over the weekend, and I had wanted to ask Shazz to go, but I'm glad it worked out the way it did. I don't think it would have meant as much with anyone else. I'm so tired of being focused on the fact that I'm alone. I was so excited to be free from the Sailor and was scared about my future, but I knew without a doubt that it was going to be better. The show helped remind me that I'm not alone, and just reinforced this sentiment: "and everybody’s hurt, and mine ain’t the worst, But it’s mine and I’m feeling it now" which is a line from this song Rosemary that I'm obsessed with. Sometimes it's really good to put things in perspective but it's also healthy to acknowledge your pain and not to diminish it, feel it, and move on, because wallowing gets you no where. I don't have a significant other, have a shit ton of significant peeps that I love to catch up with and that's good enough for now. Someday someone will do nice things for me just to see me smile and there will be a day where I realize it's them and I know the feeling that's going to wash over me will make everything worth it.
I really just hope this is the last "big" thing to happen for a while. Life has felt really hard since like 2012. I'm at a point where it's beyond feeling physically tired. My soul is tired, and it aches all the time. Right now the moments I'm truly happy are when I'm playing frisbee. I don't know how I'd be surviving life right now if I hadn't stumbled across that community and the wonderful friends I've made. Hopefully they don't feel like I make it all about me... I never knew I did that, I never mean to. I just always share what's going on, but I know for sure that from here on out I will take the time to decide if it's the right time to share, or if it's a moment that should be happy and about someone else.
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