No more please?
So since the last entry quite a bit has occurred, such as a very slutty week as finals were wrapping up. I seem to use male attention as a stress reliever. I started to talk about this all in my last therapy session but we ran out of time... I have such mixed emotions about being promiscuous, and whether or not it bothers me or if I view it as being disrespectful to myself. I know some of what happened was not the best of decisions considering who they were, but I don't think I regret it either? Maybe a little, I might regret doing things with Phoenix because I still have feelings for him and that just hurt. Burdman... it was more like redemption for the first time and it was a lot of fun but not so sure it's something that should ever happen again. I think I've made up my mind that he and I could never have a future together. My family is waaaay to much chaos for someone like him, and his rigidity doesn't really align with my free spirit self. I still love him and plan to continue our friendship, but I definitely need to find out if he has feelings for me.... but yea so it started off with Phoenix after the PADA holiday party and then the next day was Burdman, and he even knew about Phoenix the night before! Guys really just don't care.... my favorite though was the guy in the middle of the week after all my sit down finals were done and after the cohort holiday party, he's an Architect Masters student and the roommate of one my closest friends here at school. If I hadn't been dating Phoenix, something would have definitely happened between us earlier in the semester. We met at orientation and exchanged some sarcastic banter, which I loved, and he's super cute and in his early 30s. We had a lot of fun, but I think he REALLY likes me, and I'm into him, but not the way I'm into Density or was with Lumberjack, but then again I don't really know the Architect. But yea so he was Wednesday and then I wrapped up the week that Saturday with Phoenix again because I was supposed to have a date with the Chef that Friday to celebrate the semester being over and he bailed last minute and I was so bummed about it that the next day when Phoenix invited me over I was like eh why not. But yea I'm officially in the twenties now with that week... had to count it all up before I saw a few of my college besties on new years day. Kinda crazy that I was single digits when I got married and now I'm well beyond double that...
I think after things with Phoenix and Mountain Man and the mixed emotions that created I can honestly say I'm done with the meaningless nothings, emotionally I feel very ready for the next big one. In the last few months I've really been able to understand that He is no longer the man I fell in love with, because I certainly am no longer that girl, and the person I'm missing doesn't exist. Recognizing and acknowledging that makes me feel like I can actually leave him in 2015, and not let 2016 be tainted by that mistake. I know I'll always love Him, and that I may not ever experience something that intense ever again, but I'd never want to recreate those circumstances. And honestly, I know that finding someone that I'd want to be my friend regardless of if there was a romantic interest and that sense of ease, that I know is out there, I felt it with Lumberjack, to a degree with Phoenix and I feel it now with Density.
Density and I got to hang out the Tuesday after Christmas and it was amazing. I picked him up, we went to the barcade, got drinks chatted for an hour than played some games, went and go food at Joe's steaks and ended up closing the place out, like they locked us in, and we had ordered milkshakes to go and then had to walk around the neighborhood drinking them before we could go elsewhere haha. We ended up at frankford hall and played ping-pong for like an hour and a half and then just chatted a bunch. If I hadn't had work the next day, I think the evening would have lasted longer, but just shy of 7 hours I dropped him off at home. Buuuuuut there was no kiss at the end which threw for a loop and made me question if it was a date or just a hang out...I unfortunately wasn't able to see him the rest of the time he was home and we haven't chatted too much since he got back to Seattle. So who knows what that can holds... but for now it's indefinitely on hold.
However on New Years Eve Mountain Man snap chatted me and we ended up having a three hour long convo via snap chat and me staying up until it was the new year for him (aka 4 am). It was so nice to talk and hangout and have fun together but it just messed with my head further. We chatted a little here and there since then and then his upcoming trip to DC became the topic and whether or not we would see each other. He has such hesitation because he's tried long distance before and it's never worked out well but he was like "Distance scares me, but you make it so tough though, you're great, so great"and I basically countered with like look I know this isn't ideal but the fact that we're still here over 4 years later means something, and that I've been smitten with him since the night I met him. He responded, "and I with you, still am, you're smart, funny, sexy, so sexy. Bottom line, I like you, everything about you".
But then when I expressed I'd be willing to do anything to try and see him while he's in DC he just spouted off how crazy his schedule is and all the different people that he's seeing and are crashing and at this very moment I still haven't a clue if we will indeed get to meet up tomorrow or when. It's driving me crazy because it feels like he's having a one sided to discussion with himself about how things are, and what's worth it and what's not and then making the decision. Like have a fucking conversation with me, decide with me what we're willing and not willing to do if this is something that should be explored? I've got to take care of some things at home but then I'm going to head to Towson and see my baby sister so I'll be an hour outside of DC cuz I'll be damned if it's my fault in any way that we don't connect.
I have put myself out there and been honest with people my whole life and while I've continually been disappointed, I've never regretted it. If I could do that for all the men of my past, and he's the one I can't seem to shake and stopped me dead in my tracks almost 5 years ago now, I can put it all on the line for him. I have to see this through or else he'll continue to be this nagging what if and always be a danger to whatever new I try.
Case in point, the summer league party was last night and Phoenix told me he's conflicted and has thought about giving things another try, and then people got there and we didn't finish, So I went over this afternoon and we talked and he admitted to having blamed me for things that weren't going how he wanted to them in regards to being productive at work, and the house, but that we've been over for few months now and he's still having the same issues and that he just needs to take responsibility for his own lack of motivation. He also admitted that he knows he needs to work on showing his appreciation and how he feels, and that to him the whole break up and relationship taught him a lot about himself. He asked me if I thought things would be different. I said at this point I know that I wasn't ready for us when things started, but that now especially after the last few months of being back in therapy that I don't want to get back to together just to get back together... that I want something real but that near the end and how things have been since we ended he hasn't really made me feel like he really cared about me, just thought that he did. He was like I know I wasn't the best boyfriend and haven't been the best ex boyfriend either but that he knows that I still care about him and that he cares about me too and just wants the best for me. I told him that right now Mountain Man is still in the picture, but that it's so confusing for me to think about him in comparison because Mountain Man is from another life... a time well before Phoenix, but that I missed him. He asked me if I had wanted to stay the night before and how nice I'd looked and how badly he wanted me and I said of course I did, and at this point we had been lying in his bed talking about everything and he just pulled me in close and we started kissing and things quickly evolved. We napped for a bit and then he was like so now is not a good time to try again, but we're open ended and we're going to be friends for now, and I agreed that's what I wanted.
If one more person enters into the picture of my life, I think I'm going to explode. Hopefully by the next entry I'll have figured my shit out in regards to Mountain Man and we'll see what else has transpired, lord knows my crazy self can't stay away from the chaos.
I think after things with Phoenix and Mountain Man and the mixed emotions that created I can honestly say I'm done with the meaningless nothings, emotionally I feel very ready for the next big one. In the last few months I've really been able to understand that He is no longer the man I fell in love with, because I certainly am no longer that girl, and the person I'm missing doesn't exist. Recognizing and acknowledging that makes me feel like I can actually leave him in 2015, and not let 2016 be tainted by that mistake. I know I'll always love Him, and that I may not ever experience something that intense ever again, but I'd never want to recreate those circumstances. And honestly, I know that finding someone that I'd want to be my friend regardless of if there was a romantic interest and that sense of ease, that I know is out there, I felt it with Lumberjack, to a degree with Phoenix and I feel it now with Density.
Density and I got to hang out the Tuesday after Christmas and it was amazing. I picked him up, we went to the barcade, got drinks chatted for an hour than played some games, went and go food at Joe's steaks and ended up closing the place out, like they locked us in, and we had ordered milkshakes to go and then had to walk around the neighborhood drinking them before we could go elsewhere haha. We ended up at frankford hall and played ping-pong for like an hour and a half and then just chatted a bunch. If I hadn't had work the next day, I think the evening would have lasted longer, but just shy of 7 hours I dropped him off at home. Buuuuuut there was no kiss at the end which threw for a loop and made me question if it was a date or just a hang out...I unfortunately wasn't able to see him the rest of the time he was home and we haven't chatted too much since he got back to Seattle. So who knows what that can holds... but for now it's indefinitely on hold.
However on New Years Eve Mountain Man snap chatted me and we ended up having a three hour long convo via snap chat and me staying up until it was the new year for him (aka 4 am). It was so nice to talk and hangout and have fun together but it just messed with my head further. We chatted a little here and there since then and then his upcoming trip to DC became the topic and whether or not we would see each other. He has such hesitation because he's tried long distance before and it's never worked out well but he was like "Distance scares me, but you make it so tough though, you're great, so great"and I basically countered with like look I know this isn't ideal but the fact that we're still here over 4 years later means something, and that I've been smitten with him since the night I met him. He responded, "and I with you, still am, you're smart, funny, sexy, so sexy. Bottom line, I like you, everything about you".
But then when I expressed I'd be willing to do anything to try and see him while he's in DC he just spouted off how crazy his schedule is and all the different people that he's seeing and are crashing and at this very moment I still haven't a clue if we will indeed get to meet up tomorrow or when. It's driving me crazy because it feels like he's having a one sided to discussion with himself about how things are, and what's worth it and what's not and then making the decision. Like have a fucking conversation with me, decide with me what we're willing and not willing to do if this is something that should be explored? I've got to take care of some things at home but then I'm going to head to Towson and see my baby sister so I'll be an hour outside of DC cuz I'll be damned if it's my fault in any way that we don't connect.
I have put myself out there and been honest with people my whole life and while I've continually been disappointed, I've never regretted it. If I could do that for all the men of my past, and he's the one I can't seem to shake and stopped me dead in my tracks almost 5 years ago now, I can put it all on the line for him. I have to see this through or else he'll continue to be this nagging what if and always be a danger to whatever new I try.
Case in point, the summer league party was last night and Phoenix told me he's conflicted and has thought about giving things another try, and then people got there and we didn't finish, So I went over this afternoon and we talked and he admitted to having blamed me for things that weren't going how he wanted to them in regards to being productive at work, and the house, but that we've been over for few months now and he's still having the same issues and that he just needs to take responsibility for his own lack of motivation. He also admitted that he knows he needs to work on showing his appreciation and how he feels, and that to him the whole break up and relationship taught him a lot about himself. He asked me if I thought things would be different. I said at this point I know that I wasn't ready for us when things started, but that now especially after the last few months of being back in therapy that I don't want to get back to together just to get back together... that I want something real but that near the end and how things have been since we ended he hasn't really made me feel like he really cared about me, just thought that he did. He was like I know I wasn't the best boyfriend and haven't been the best ex boyfriend either but that he knows that I still care about him and that he cares about me too and just wants the best for me. I told him that right now Mountain Man is still in the picture, but that it's so confusing for me to think about him in comparison because Mountain Man is from another life... a time well before Phoenix, but that I missed him. He asked me if I had wanted to stay the night before and how nice I'd looked and how badly he wanted me and I said of course I did, and at this point we had been lying in his bed talking about everything and he just pulled me in close and we started kissing and things quickly evolved. We napped for a bit and then he was like so now is not a good time to try again, but we're open ended and we're going to be friends for now, and I agreed that's what I wanted.
If one more person enters into the picture of my life, I think I'm going to explode. Hopefully by the next entry I'll have figured my shit out in regards to Mountain Man and we'll see what else has transpired, lord knows my crazy self can't stay away from the chaos.
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