Adventure Trip!!!!

Ahhhh!!!!! My trip is almost over! Thank god I have a four day weekend to recover from it lol Yay past me for superb planning.

Of course the last day would be the only one less than ideal. It's hailing here in Denver and my first flight got cancelled, moved to another, that got delayed and recently un-delayed? All I wanna say is, Southwest, stop messing with my emotions!!

I honestly am having a hard time with where to even begin with this entry, the last two weeks have been more than I could have ever hoped for and just so wonderfully reinforced that sentiment I felt the last month or so that I don't know why I've been so preoccupied with the fact that I don't have an SO. Being lonely and being alone are such different things, and I am so far from being alone. All the friends and family I've seen and spending a week with someone who was so down with my wing it travel style was amazing. 

Yes I would love to have someone, but there is literally nothing in my life right now nor the things I want to do that requires me to have a person. I'm no where near ready to be settled and to have a family and serious obligations, I love being able to just decide yea that sounds fun lets do that--Don't have to check a schedule or with anyone else. I'm so open to meeting someone and being able to share my stories and hear theirs but I definitely no longer feel like that's a priority.

I can't believe I've completed my first year of grad school! The beginning of this summer feels similar but different from last year. Last year I'd just started this blog and gotten my second tattoo and wanted to swear off men. I think the most apparent lesson I've learned in the last two years is that life doesn't care about your plans, and that it really is much more about having goals and a direction and just taking life as it comes and trying your best to smile throughout the process.

At points in the trip I was without an internet signal, and was left with the option of no music, or the one playlist that was for whatever reason actually downloaded from spotify and on my phone. Of course that one playlist was the mix that He had made for me almost two years ago now. I was pleasantly surprised that for the most part, I was able to just enjoy the songs for being the great songs that they are, and it didn't evoke too much of an emotional response. Every road trip I've done has afforded so much time with just my thoughts... Very little distractions when you're driving through Utah in the middle of the night. 

I think what I've realized is that I'd never truly acknowledged how important of a friend He had been to me. That he was the first person that when I told the story of the day my parents told us they were getting divorced that I didn't just tell the brief dramatic exclamation of my mom "your father is leaving us" and he actually asked real questions instead of wanting the convo to change topics because they can't relate and then shared His own story. He was quite literally my first divorce friend, the first person I ever talked with where a part of my life finally felt understood. When I found out I was coming back east, he was the first person I told. He was also the first person outside of my inner circle that got me to admit the truth about why I was leaving Scott. Then everything started and he got stories out of me I've never told anyone. 

Sometimes I don't know how else to handle how things are now other than to believe that it was never real, but I know that's not true. This was a person I knew and trusted and already had a level of love for. Timing and circumstance allowed things to reach another level, one that should have never been explored. I needed it to mean something to be ok with myself for participating in something that mirrors the hurt I grew up with... And there was no way I could be so wrong about someone again after having been so wrong about my Sailor. So I clung and became this nuisance while he's trying to erase me and rebuild a life with his wife.

Quite literally became the last thing I wanted to become. My optimism coupled with my stubbornness made it impossible to accept that he's not everything I think he is and that the "someday" he talked about isn't deader than dead. But I am wrong. The person I think he is would not have wanted to live a life without me. I will find that person and I feel really close to being in a place where I can say it's not Him. I'm not there yet and I'd be lying to say otherwise, but I'm so close, I know it.