What Now?
Holy cow. It's been nearly five months since I've written in here! That's nuts. I think that's a really good testament to how much better I've been feeling about my life overall. That trip really was an awesome reset. I still have bad days, and I guess that's really just life, but I no longer feel so certain that I missed my shot at happiness with Him.
I think for a while I was angry at the whole situation, feeling like I had left my Sailor to ensure I wasn't settling in my life, and then I fell for Him, and it crashed and burned and it felt like I was doomed to settle because no one would ever be Him.
This summer I went on a few dates and there were a few new men in the picture, but nothing serious. I predominantly stayed single. Which feels like progress, however I definitely felt the most lonely at points this summer. I missed Phoenix like crazy and continued to wish we'd met maybe this summer, or even next summer. That whole thing feels extremely unfinished to me, but there's not much I can do about it. I shared those thoughts with him at the end of July when we talked in person after summer league one night, and he just said he feels ok about everything because we tried again, to which I retorted, but did we really? I continued lay out a typical day of me coming over after having class then work, and him cooking dinner while I do homework, then eating and watching a show, then more homework him playing games and then sleep. I was like is that really a situation that allows people to reconnect with each other? He basically responded with, well things wouldn't be any different. He was right too. The whole thing made me wonder if it's pointless to try and start anything with anyone while I'm still in school and packed to the gills.
I feel like my general approach lately has been that I'm open to it, but I'm not searching for it. I deleted all the apps off of my phone in early July. I haven't been on a date in a while now, I guess not since Sabotage (man I briefly dated over the summer, also a frisbee person whose most serious girlfriend was Phoenix's most recent ex before me... apparently this community is smaller than I'd like it be) and I's last one. However, I guess he and I have a date this Friday, yet I'm currently in the middle of a conversation with him about how nervous I am to see Density. That's right, Density moved back home from Seattle! He got in last weekend and over the summer announced his move home by asking if I was playing fall league and that we should baggage together. So tonight is the night that I see him for the first time since he dropped me off at the bus station in Portland.
I'm absolutely a puddle of nerves and am hoping I can keep myself together and not be a total freak. I haven't been this excited about anyone in a very long time. I was finally able to pinpoint why while talking with Sabotage though. With Him, one of the key things was that we connected with each other over a shared experience, that of our parents divorces, and getting swept up into someone else's life plan. I felt understood by him, and it let me open up in a way I never did with my Sailor. Density... we've absolutely connected over the experiences of moving across the country for someone because you believe in your love and how hard it is to recognize that it's not right for you, and what it's like being away from home and everyone and everything you know for someone else's dream, and then how rough it is when even though you're the one who ends things, it hurts like hell when they move on quickly. It feels like he understands my pain and that just means so much to me. Also helps that the man is tall with beautiful blue green eyes, dark thick hair, and a bunch of tattoos. Lord help me... time to change and head to the fields!
I think for a while I was angry at the whole situation, feeling like I had left my Sailor to ensure I wasn't settling in my life, and then I fell for Him, and it crashed and burned and it felt like I was doomed to settle because no one would ever be Him.
This summer I went on a few dates and there were a few new men in the picture, but nothing serious. I predominantly stayed single. Which feels like progress, however I definitely felt the most lonely at points this summer. I missed Phoenix like crazy and continued to wish we'd met maybe this summer, or even next summer. That whole thing feels extremely unfinished to me, but there's not much I can do about it. I shared those thoughts with him at the end of July when we talked in person after summer league one night, and he just said he feels ok about everything because we tried again, to which I retorted, but did we really? I continued lay out a typical day of me coming over after having class then work, and him cooking dinner while I do homework, then eating and watching a show, then more homework him playing games and then sleep. I was like is that really a situation that allows people to reconnect with each other? He basically responded with, well things wouldn't be any different. He was right too. The whole thing made me wonder if it's pointless to try and start anything with anyone while I'm still in school and packed to the gills.
I feel like my general approach lately has been that I'm open to it, but I'm not searching for it. I deleted all the apps off of my phone in early July. I haven't been on a date in a while now, I guess not since Sabotage (man I briefly dated over the summer, also a frisbee person whose most serious girlfriend was Phoenix's most recent ex before me... apparently this community is smaller than I'd like it be) and I's last one. However, I guess he and I have a date this Friday, yet I'm currently in the middle of a conversation with him about how nervous I am to see Density. That's right, Density moved back home from Seattle! He got in last weekend and over the summer announced his move home by asking if I was playing fall league and that we should baggage together. So tonight is the night that I see him for the first time since he dropped me off at the bus station in Portland.
I'm absolutely a puddle of nerves and am hoping I can keep myself together and not be a total freak. I haven't been this excited about anyone in a very long time. I was finally able to pinpoint why while talking with Sabotage though. With Him, one of the key things was that we connected with each other over a shared experience, that of our parents divorces, and getting swept up into someone else's life plan. I felt understood by him, and it let me open up in a way I never did with my Sailor. Density... we've absolutely connected over the experiences of moving across the country for someone because you believe in your love and how hard it is to recognize that it's not right for you, and what it's like being away from home and everyone and everything you know for someone else's dream, and then how rough it is when even though you're the one who ends things, it hurts like hell when they move on quickly. It feels like he understands my pain and that just means so much to me. Also helps that the man is tall with beautiful blue green eyes, dark thick hair, and a bunch of tattoos. Lord help me... time to change and head to the fields!
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