Release

So last week in therapy we finally started dredging up some of the really hard memories from Him. The stuff I don't like to talk about because it hurts. It was rough and I know there will be more at my session later today. I decided that maybe it would help to really remember it all and write about it, since getting it out of my head seems to be such a release for me. So I decided to write a poem of sorts, no set structure just what felt right. Decided I'm satisfied enough, it was worth sharing.
"All the Things You Said"
Apparently you've forgotten all the things you said, but unfortunately for me, I cannot forget...
When you said "your face is so beautiful, I can barely keep myself together when I see you. Especially when you smile".
Or when you sat across from me at the cafe and gave me such a look, and when I asked "what?" Your simple reply of "I wish it could always be like this" made my heart swell.
Nor how it felt when you told me before we'd ever even kissed "I truly connect with you in some ways I've never connected with anyone in my life".
Not even the first time you uttered that phrase "I'm crazy about you" and gave me that look, the one I always thought said, "I think the way you see the world is beautiful, and all I want is to be a part of your world"
And never will I forget the magic it was to finally be kissed by you standing under the moonlight in our boat hearing the ocean behind me.
I still remember...
The moment before we crossed those final lines and I asked "are you sure?" and you looked up at me and said "I've never been more sure about anything in my life".
When we tried to end it and you said "deep down inside I will be burning for you...if at any point you are wondering if I'm still into you, the answer is yes. Without a fucking doubt".
How you admitted to me, "you've made me feel ways I've never felt before. It's made me question my entire life".
Listening to the mix you made me for the first time and feeling how much you cared about me and smiling so wide when you said "I was so relieved that you like it. I think it would have broken me if you didn't".
I will always remember the giddiness I felt the night we had to pee outside in front of the office and messing around in your car and the satisfaction I felt when I read your text of "PS. You're so beautiful when we fuck. I can't stop thinking about it".
Too clear memories of...
You holding my face
You promising never to leave
Me telling you I love you
Me holding the hands I was never meant to hold
You showering me with kisses
Me singing softly in your ears
Not able to ignore the shift in my world when...
You asked if I really loved you
Me saying of course
You telling me "I told HER"
Me saying "we're really doing this"
You telling me this is what you should have been looking for your whole life.
Me waking up next to you three mornings in a row starting to truly see you in my future and saying "please don't hurt me"
Still trying to patch the hole after...
You said, It's what's best for all of us and that it's the only way to protect a happy ending "someday"
Me saying "you can't have her as well as any piece of me"
Nearly two years of hoping you'd come back to me, with scattered exchanges filled with glimpses of hope, like...
I really do love you
You are important to me
I feel the same way too
Miss and care about you
I may have been at my best at times with you
You're an evil temptress and I'm weak
It's breaking my heart in the best way possible
To now, where you've wished you never said all the things you said and claim all it ever was, was circumstance, and so we look through each other as if we're glass and yet without fail, my heart always begins to pound and lands in my throat.

Even though you have decided to filter me out, and I am immediately permanently deleted, I will always "have nothing but love for you... even when I'm old as fuck".
Perhaps someday you'll regret your choice when you recognize I brought out the best in you in 6 weeks when she never could in 6 years. But until then, go right ahead and "delete me, please and thank you".

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