Insecurities
The summer is over, my relationship with Apricot as my sister called him, is definitely done but I really do miss him. We had ended in late August because I could tell he loved me, and I just wasn't available, and later that day He reached out telling me he missed me and asking when we could see each other, at first I rebuked the idea, I was so done with how weak I am when it comes to him. Two days later I cracked and unblocked him and texted him. It was emotional as fuck and he told me he loved me. I ended up seeing him over Labor day where I told him I still loved him too after asking if he had been serious about that. I hadn't heard him say that out loud in three years. Apricot wanted to try and have just a FWB type situation while I was still out in Pitt and while He and I were trying very hard to keep things more platonic because we both knew the timing was still shit.
So I basically spent all of September emotionally involved with two people and it was hell on earth. A week into it, Apricot actually told me out loud he loved me after I had just informed him I'd slept with Him like a day prior. It's incredibly hard to not feel like a shitty person when you care about everyone involved in a poly situation. I do still think that I would be capable of being in a committed relationship that would occasionally allow for a sexual discretion, but really unsure if that's something I want, or even need. I really have always found that sex gets better for me the longer I've been with my partner. But I've never really been with someone for years, day in and day out. Sailor and I spent most of our relationship apart so I'm not sure I have a good sense of how sexual boredom can happen.
A situation occurred where I basically blew Him off to be with Apricot and I've never felt more conflicted or mad at myself. Here I was basically being polite to someone for the sake of their feelings instead of doing what I really wanted to do, which was be on the phone with the love of my life. I had to tell Apricot we couldn't be anything anymore shortly after that and it was kinda heart breaking. He reminded me of this guy I dated briefly last summer... both very sweet, both readily saw my worth and were immediately on board for a real relationship with me. I've dated a lot of people over the last three years... and those things are kinda rare... people play games and are not honest with where they're at in their healing process from past loves. Everyone seems to freak out about labels... myself included at times. IMO the progression goes from talking, to seeing each other (aka ya'll are fucking now but definitely still talking to others and possibly fucking others if you roll like that), to dating (now exclusive), to boyfriend and girlfriend. That bf/gf label does mean something to me... it's a public acknowledgment that you see a future with someone and now you're moving towards integrating each other into your lives to see if you fit. To see if you can adapt to the ever changing circumstances that life is in a harmonious way with each other. I think that label means even more to me now because I'm not sure if wife and husband is in the cards for me. Getting married just makes things harder when it's over, and perhaps some could say that's a very cynical way to view it, but sometimes I think getting married gives people the go ahead to get lazy. To take each other for granted because hey, you're mine for life now, deal with me and all my shitty-ness.
Sometimes it feels like I won't partake in any of the milestones I'm starting to see my friends and peers go through...getting engaged, buying a house, getting married, having babies. At times I feel pangs of disappointment and others I feel indifferent, because it's hard to know if that small part of me that wants those things is because I've been spoon fed some idealistic life path since birth or do I really think those things will improve my life. If things continue with Him... I'm not sure most of those will ever be an option so even though it feels silly to be thinking of things that feel forever away, there's this other part of me that wants to figure out if I need that stuff to be happy, because if I do, maybe he isn't right for me after all. The kids thing is a big one, and one he brought up this past weekend, because he's not sure he wants to have more and doesn't want me wasting my time with him if I do... We had a WHOLE weekend together. We've never had that especially where we did social things with other people, it was amazing, he even came to a frisbee party with me which unfortunately was kinda lame and we definitely should have been more drunk to fit in...but life felt normal for the most part. His wife called a few times across the weekend for him to talk to his girls. Those are hard...I can't help but feel like he's not supposed to be with me, that he should be home with his kids and I can imagine he somewhat feels that way too, especially when they're crying out for him.
We met up for a bit this Monday and he had to bail early cuz the kids were losing it. I wanted nothing more than to have one more night next to him and instead we got less time and I went home to my parents. About a week prior I had an awkward run in with Apricot, after asking Him if it was wrong of me to be so worried about him and wanting Apricot to be ok, I reached out the next day to basically say I hate the nothingness that seems to happen in the after and that I don't want us to be like me and Phoenix. I don't want you to ignore me, and I don't want to feel like I have to ignore you either and I certainly don't want you ever thinking you don't mean anything to me because that's simply not the truth. He didn't respond until that Sunday and we talked back and forth for a bit and he just told me how much he missed me and loves me and wishes things were different and asked what I missed the most. I honestly said I missed waking up next to him. It'd been a very long time since I had regularly done that with anyone and I know I 100% sleep better and fall asleep faster when I'm next to someone I care about. Monday night I couldn't help but wish that things with me and Him were more normal and that I had my own place that he could come back to and that I didn't have to knowingly be a half hour away instead of 4.5 and still not be with him. I guess in a weird need of attention and affirmation I ended up scrolling through my convo with Apricot and accidentally hit a reaction *cue mortification*. Which prompted him to message me and then he tried to tell me that we could still be something, that he knows where he stands now. I was like I'm in love with him, and he was like I know you are, to which I replied, well then you should understand why I can't and that I'm allowed to miss you and wonder how you're doing, but still know being with you isn't right for me.
Last night He informed me he can no longer go to my twin's comedy show in a few weeks in New York. Not only am I bummed it's not happening, I'm having a hard time accepting the reason why is not because of his kids, but for his wife, cuz it's her birthday weekend, and also the slight relief I heard in his voice. Granted it probably is too soon for him to meet anyone from my family... siblings feel different from parents, however I'm totally no where near ready for him to meet my parents. We're definitely not bf/gf yet and it's really hard to gauge how far off from that we are...I still mostly feel like a secret in his life but his friends know about me, I actually got to meet one last week, that felt important, but I don't feel like I can get excited about us, but that may have more to do with lingering fears that it's just gonna end again...Things like his wife getting pretty upset with him because of our weekend together certainly don't help these insecurities about what we are... I know he says he doesn't care what she thinks, but I know that he does, and I know it's not easy to hurt someone you care about. I got so upset last night because it's hard not to wonder how much of him I'll actually ever get. Logistics and the everyday with him will never be easy the way they were with Apricot or any genuinely single dude...but everything else...how easy it is to talk to him and how that never feels like a chore, or how comfortable in my own skin I feel when I'm with him and how easily he understands what I'm trying to say and how excited I get just thinking about all the things I want to do and experience with him... that always feels worth it. Perhaps I need to be more understanding with myself... that this isn't an easy situation and there will be times where it's harder than usual and I'll wish it was more normal and I will have to give myself the space to be disappointed but in a way that doesn't make him feel bad, because that's not the goal. I don't ever want him to feel like he has to make a choice between me and what's right for his family as a whole.
So I basically spent all of September emotionally involved with two people and it was hell on earth. A week into it, Apricot actually told me out loud he loved me after I had just informed him I'd slept with Him like a day prior. It's incredibly hard to not feel like a shitty person when you care about everyone involved in a poly situation. I do still think that I would be capable of being in a committed relationship that would occasionally allow for a sexual discretion, but really unsure if that's something I want, or even need. I really have always found that sex gets better for me the longer I've been with my partner. But I've never really been with someone for years, day in and day out. Sailor and I spent most of our relationship apart so I'm not sure I have a good sense of how sexual boredom can happen.
A situation occurred where I basically blew Him off to be with Apricot and I've never felt more conflicted or mad at myself. Here I was basically being polite to someone for the sake of their feelings instead of doing what I really wanted to do, which was be on the phone with the love of my life. I had to tell Apricot we couldn't be anything anymore shortly after that and it was kinda heart breaking. He reminded me of this guy I dated briefly last summer... both very sweet, both readily saw my worth and were immediately on board for a real relationship with me. I've dated a lot of people over the last three years... and those things are kinda rare... people play games and are not honest with where they're at in their healing process from past loves. Everyone seems to freak out about labels... myself included at times. IMO the progression goes from talking, to seeing each other (aka ya'll are fucking now but definitely still talking to others and possibly fucking others if you roll like that), to dating (now exclusive), to boyfriend and girlfriend. That bf/gf label does mean something to me... it's a public acknowledgment that you see a future with someone and now you're moving towards integrating each other into your lives to see if you fit. To see if you can adapt to the ever changing circumstances that life is in a harmonious way with each other. I think that label means even more to me now because I'm not sure if wife and husband is in the cards for me. Getting married just makes things harder when it's over, and perhaps some could say that's a very cynical way to view it, but sometimes I think getting married gives people the go ahead to get lazy. To take each other for granted because hey, you're mine for life now, deal with me and all my shitty-ness.
Sometimes it feels like I won't partake in any of the milestones I'm starting to see my friends and peers go through...getting engaged, buying a house, getting married, having babies. At times I feel pangs of disappointment and others I feel indifferent, because it's hard to know if that small part of me that wants those things is because I've been spoon fed some idealistic life path since birth or do I really think those things will improve my life. If things continue with Him... I'm not sure most of those will ever be an option so even though it feels silly to be thinking of things that feel forever away, there's this other part of me that wants to figure out if I need that stuff to be happy, because if I do, maybe he isn't right for me after all. The kids thing is a big one, and one he brought up this past weekend, because he's not sure he wants to have more and doesn't want me wasting my time with him if I do... We had a WHOLE weekend together. We've never had that especially where we did social things with other people, it was amazing, he even came to a frisbee party with me which unfortunately was kinda lame and we definitely should have been more drunk to fit in...but life felt normal for the most part. His wife called a few times across the weekend for him to talk to his girls. Those are hard...I can't help but feel like he's not supposed to be with me, that he should be home with his kids and I can imagine he somewhat feels that way too, especially when they're crying out for him.
We met up for a bit this Monday and he had to bail early cuz the kids were losing it. I wanted nothing more than to have one more night next to him and instead we got less time and I went home to my parents. About a week prior I had an awkward run in with Apricot, after asking Him if it was wrong of me to be so worried about him and wanting Apricot to be ok, I reached out the next day to basically say I hate the nothingness that seems to happen in the after and that I don't want us to be like me and Phoenix. I don't want you to ignore me, and I don't want to feel like I have to ignore you either and I certainly don't want you ever thinking you don't mean anything to me because that's simply not the truth. He didn't respond until that Sunday and we talked back and forth for a bit and he just told me how much he missed me and loves me and wishes things were different and asked what I missed the most. I honestly said I missed waking up next to him. It'd been a very long time since I had regularly done that with anyone and I know I 100% sleep better and fall asleep faster when I'm next to someone I care about. Monday night I couldn't help but wish that things with me and Him were more normal and that I had my own place that he could come back to and that I didn't have to knowingly be a half hour away instead of 4.5 and still not be with him. I guess in a weird need of attention and affirmation I ended up scrolling through my convo with Apricot and accidentally hit a reaction *cue mortification*. Which prompted him to message me and then he tried to tell me that we could still be something, that he knows where he stands now. I was like I'm in love with him, and he was like I know you are, to which I replied, well then you should understand why I can't and that I'm allowed to miss you and wonder how you're doing, but still know being with you isn't right for me.
Last night He informed me he can no longer go to my twin's comedy show in a few weeks in New York. Not only am I bummed it's not happening, I'm having a hard time accepting the reason why is not because of his kids, but for his wife, cuz it's her birthday weekend, and also the slight relief I heard in his voice. Granted it probably is too soon for him to meet anyone from my family... siblings feel different from parents, however I'm totally no where near ready for him to meet my parents. We're definitely not bf/gf yet and it's really hard to gauge how far off from that we are...I still mostly feel like a secret in his life but his friends know about me, I actually got to meet one last week, that felt important, but I don't feel like I can get excited about us, but that may have more to do with lingering fears that it's just gonna end again...Things like his wife getting pretty upset with him because of our weekend together certainly don't help these insecurities about what we are... I know he says he doesn't care what she thinks, but I know that he does, and I know it's not easy to hurt someone you care about. I got so upset last night because it's hard not to wonder how much of him I'll actually ever get. Logistics and the everyday with him will never be easy the way they were with Apricot or any genuinely single dude...but everything else...how easy it is to talk to him and how that never feels like a chore, or how comfortable in my own skin I feel when I'm with him and how easily he understands what I'm trying to say and how excited I get just thinking about all the things I want to do and experience with him... that always feels worth it. Perhaps I need to be more understanding with myself... that this isn't an easy situation and there will be times where it's harder than usual and I'll wish it was more normal and I will have to give myself the space to be disappointed but in a way that doesn't make him feel bad, because that's not the goal. I don't ever want him to feel like he has to make a choice between me and what's right for his family as a whole.
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