Cats out of the bag...

Welp the wife is now fully aware that we're seeing each other again, like she knew we were talking, but then she found out he came to a party with  me and met some of my friends and I guess it struck her that maybe what's happening between he and I is not just a physical thing and someone to talk to like it seems like it is with her gf, but that we do want to be in a real relationship. He called me last Thursday while I was at a play to tell me he'd just experienced domestic abuse. Apparently after fighting with her about me and the major topic being that the last three years were a lie, she smacked him hard across the face in front of their girls. After the little ones stopped crying, he left the house for a bit and called me. It's moments like those where I feel like I'm in over my head because I don't know what to say to make it better. I do my best to remind him what she's going through but also acknowledge her craziness and unfairness and reassure him that he's doing the best he can for such a fucked situation. He and the wife had gone out together that Tuesday, mostly cuz he needed someone to go to a concert with him, but I think also trying to show her for real that him saying he still wants to be her friend and be there for her isn't just lip service. It was certainly very hard for me to know he was out with her, I definitely was triggered back to all the times it felt like I wasn't enough for him to choose me. I cried myself to sleep that night, but was able to vocalize my insecurities to him the next day and he reassured me I had nothing to worry about.

We went out that Wednesday to see a band I really love and had a downtown adventure. She called him like 4 different times while we were out. That's happened before, I try not to be hurt by it, I even encouraged him to go outside and call her back when she called as we were being seated for dinner. Eventually I had to ask if she knew he was out with me, and he said yea I think she does... so yea that makes sense. I'll never know if one of her calls is just to play mind games, or if it's real, and she and the girls need him, so I'm never going to make a big deal about it, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt to know that she can interrupt our life together but if he's in her presence when I call him, he never answers out of respect for her, even though she apparently calls her gf in front of him. Honestly I mostly let him initiate contact because his time is often much more limited then mine, but sometimes I get annoyed with myself that I'll drop everything just to talk to him, even when it's inconvenient for me, and is gonna set my own schedule back. Last night I saw his call come in but I had just decided to make dinner and my roommate was home so I didn't feel ok putting him on speaker like usual while I do shit, so I ignored it. Then I didn't hear from him the rest of the night, and realized that meant it was a night he had the kids, and a night where she didn't leave the house like she's supposed to, thusly a night where I don't get to hear from him... I'm already depressed as fuck to be back in Pittsburgh after a long weekend home. Throw on not getting to hear his voice because of my own choice to ignore his call...distracted myself with a giant glass of wine and binge watching Kimmy Schmidt....When we talked more that Friday I found out that she apparently had a downward spiral of self loathing that Wednesday night and considered suicide supposedly because he was out with me and that's partially why she lost it Thursday night. It's crazy to acknowledge that one night I was crying because he was out with her, and the next night she was crying because he was out with me...

I have officially decided I'm moving back to Philly the first weekend of December and I'm so pumped. I can't wait to get back to my life. I don't know how long I'll be around for with this whole disaster relief effort I've volunteered for through work, but a surprise extra month right around the holidays sounds awesome. He and I were supposed to go to my brother's show together this weekend, but he backed out for her birthday, and then we were supposed to still have Friday, but she came to him saying her work friends wanted to take her out, and after seeing my twin at the family wedding, I realized he and I needed some quality time. So I told Him to tell her she can have the Friday too and I'll see him at work that Monday. I guess I better get used to that sort of thing, probably best to always assume he can't be there for any of the things I'll want him to be at and just be surprised when he can be.

For a long time I've felt a serious need to apologize to His wife. I really do have such a strong urge to talk to her, even if that's wildly inappropriate. He and I got to hang out on Sunday for a bit and the topic of her came up, and I can tell he's losing patience and running out of ideas about how to keep things amicable. I reiterated to him that she needs a real fucking friend, that first, she's dealing with the fact that she had an affair, that shit is hard, no one thinks they're capable of it, and then bam you're in the middle of one and you have to confront the notion of whether or not you're still a good person, add on that it's with a woman, so at 32 years old she has to deal with the fact that she's not actually sure what her true sexuality is, like that's not a huge mind fuck especially with a mother who doesn't seem to be supportive at all and apparently no friends she trusts to let in, now lets include the fact she's staring down the inevitable divorce...a decision that is still the scariest fucking thing I've ever done. Not only is it heart breaking even when you know it's right, but the sheer idea of having to start all over after you've been in the comfort of knowing pretty much what a good portion of the rest of your life looks like, is a truly terrifying one. The loss of that security isn't easy, now throw kids in the picture and no wonder she's going off the deep end. I never spent too much time thinking about her three years ago, and maybe if I had I would not have done the worst and most selfish thing I've ever done... but I've spent many nights the last three years wanting to be her, to have her life with Him, and constantly being reminded that I never would any time I'd be in the damn office and the love of my life would look through me like I was a piece of glass. I'm still dumbfounded that he's back in my life cuz he did a hell of a job convincing me I meant nothing to him, and that all it had ever been was circumstances, and that it was just a terrible mistake he'd much rather be able to erase. If I could go back and slap 25 year old me I would in a heart beat, but it took a year and a half of weekly therapy to accept that it was real for me, that falling in love with Him was the most honest and effortless thing I'd ever done, and that yes, I may never experience that again, and maybe that means I'm doomed to feel a little bit empty for the rest of my days, but to move forward I should show myself some compassion for being morally weak, and accepting the bubble of happiness he gave me when my life was in chaos after leaving my Sailor and hitting reset and suddenly losing Bow.

So I began to finally move forward only to have him re-enter my life. Now, I think about her daily, I have the strangest desire to be her friend, to let her know that so much of what she's going through, I truly understand. To let her know he's a good man, who made a stupid mistake, and that the last three years were not a lie. That he tried his hardest to make things right, that if she hadn't released him through her own infidelity, he'd still be trying for her and their kids. That yes there was contact every now and then, but other than right after the Wedding Crashing Debacle, he never reached out to me to talk about us, that it never once was inappropriate, that when he asked to see me this March I hadn't been alone with him in over two years from that day I begged to see him in person to have him say to my face that he wanted a life with his wife more than he wanted one with me, and he did, and it shattered me. Sometimes I wonder if allowing him back in my life means I have no self respect, especially after the bullshit of the spring where he initiated contact under the guise their marriage was definitely over only to find out they really hadn't come to terms with any of it. All I know is that no one makes me happy just talking the way he does, no one puts me more at ease to be me than he does, no one makes me feel more normal than being with him does.

There's so much of this situation that scares me. Will I be ok with the fact that I'll most likely spend most holidays without him because he'll always have his first family? If we make it through all that is to come, and I'm privileged enough to be a part of his girls' lives I definitely fear they'll never love me, let alone like me. I know how I feel about my own step-parents and my dad and ex-step mom's significant others. There's love there... in all different degrees for the four non-biological parental figures in my life, but it's no where near what I feel for my folks. It's thoughts like that where I wonder will I really be ok not having children of my own? I often remember the stunts my mother pulled just to fuck with my dad and my ex-step mom. Will I be capable of dealing with situations like that? I don't want to be her adversary, not even a little. I would hope to eventually be seen as an advocate and ally, just one more loving person in the village it takes to raise children. I seem to teeter between believing that my life experiences and general disposition have made me the perfect person to love Him, and the flip side is being terrified that one day I'll wake up and realize I can't do this. Those weak days are few and far between, and I hope it stays that way.