The Crazy Fiery Wild One

Today has been a bit of a struggle...one I'm in serious crampy pain and wish I was just in bed, but I took off Friday so it's kinda inconvenient and at least there's like no one here today anyways, so not the end of the world to not be particularly productive. But it's more so because I'm having a weak day... a day where I wonder can I do this, can I be with someone that already has kids, can I be with someone who hasn't accepted their new reality yet... that latter one will change, I know that, but this transitional period is still really hard. It's also nearly impossible to have an idea of what life will be like when they still fucking live together and have made no decisions about what's next. Sell the house, keep the house, girls with mom most of the time, girls 50/50, what can they afford, what can they handle with limited family locally around to help when they ostensibly become single parents. It's all overwhelming for sure and a lot of me und...

Welp the wife is now fully aware that we're seeing each other again, like she knew we were talking, but then she found out he came to a party with  me and met some of my friends and I guess it struck her that maybe what's happening between he and I is not just a physical thing and someone to talk to like it seems like it is with her gf, but that we do want to be in a real relationship. He called me last Thursday while I was at a play to tell me he'd just experienced domestic abuse. Apparently after fighting with her about me and the major topic being that the last three years were a lie, she smacked him hard across the face in front of their girls. After the little ones stopped crying, he left the house for a bit and called me. It's moments like those where I feel like I'm in over my head because I don't know what to say to make it better. I do my best to remind him what she's going through but also acknowledge her craziness and unfairness and reassure him ...

The summer is over, my relationship with Apricot as my sister called him, is definitely done but I really do miss him. We had ended in late August because I could tell he loved me, and I just wasn't available, and later that day He reached out telling me he missed me and asking when we could see each other, at first I rebuked the idea, I was so done with how weak I am when it comes to him. Two days later I cracked and unblocked him and texted him. It was emotional as fuck and he told me he loved me. I ended up seeing him over Labor day where I told him I still loved him too after asking if he had been serious about that. I hadn't heard him say that out loud in three years. Apricot wanted to try and have just a FWB type situation while I was still out in Pitt and while He and I were trying very hard to keep things more platonic because we both knew the timing was still shit. So I basically spent all of September emotionally involved with two people and it was hell on earth. A ...

This should have been posted back in June... but apparently just never did so, it's what I ended up sending to my therapist when feeling extremely overwhelmed. Two weeks after my last post, Him, the hims of him contacted me out of the blue to inform me that his wife had been cheating on him since December and still is, and won't end the relationship she has with a black woman from West Philly. Talk about the biggest plot twist ever. He told me they were getting divorced and that he didn't want us to be strangers anymore...I knew from the very first time we met up he wasn't in any kind of a place to actually be with me, but after nearly three years of basically being dead to each other, I couldn't say no... "I'm not ok today. I know I will be, but right now I really am not and it's very hard to be at work right now. That Friday night after our last therapy session He told me he and his wife were definitely doing an open relationship while we were out...

The fiery part of my personality is in full swing today. It's been quite a while since I've posted, life has been rather hectic. Density came home and just was so NOT into me. In response I threw myself back into dating, downloaded Bumble for the first time and then somehow ended up with 5 different dudes on my plate at once and had a tough choice narrowing it down to one, but felt good about it. It was the first time since being in the depressing trenches that is dating, that I felt like I was with someone who genuinely appreciated me. Too bad he is a fucking idiot and hasn't put the work in to cleave out his ex whom he still views as his best friend. There's a huge part of me that is grateful that he has had such a serious relationship because I know it is a large reason why he can see my value, and yea they ended on good terms, but your ex has ZERO business being your best friend, even if you have an animal together. That space should be filled by your friends, and...