I'm Not Okay
This should have been posted back in June... but apparently just never did so, it's what I ended up sending to my therapist when feeling extremely overwhelmed. Two weeks after my last post, Him, the hims of him contacted me out of the blue to inform me that his wife had been cheating on him since December and still is, and won't end the relationship she has with a black woman from West Philly. Talk about the biggest plot twist ever. He told me they were getting divorced and that he didn't want us to be strangers anymore...I knew from the very first time we met up he wasn't in any kind of a place to actually be with me, but after nearly three years of basically being dead to each other, I couldn't say no...
"I'm not ok today. I know I will be, but right now I really am not and it's very hard to be at work right now.
That Friday night after our last therapy session He told me he and his wife were definitely doing an open relationship while we were out for drinks and I told him to count me out, that I wanted nothing to do with that, and we both cried at the damn table and it was awful. I had plans to get to, so we didn't really get to talk through it all. That Saturday was Shazz's batchelorette party and I texted him very late saying I wasn't ready for goodbye, that I know it's not what I want long term, but we weren't there yet and that I'd deal with it for as long as I could. He came over that Sunday and helped me pack up my kitchen and we talked a lot about how life had been not talking to each other and how he was glad his wife had cheated. He called me very late that Sunday while I was driving back to Pittsburgh to tell me the rest of his Sunday was emotional and that he told his wife he felt like a douche bag and she said she did too and that if they're weren't emotionally involved with their respective others, maybe they could make an open relationship work, but for now they're going back to being separated. So that felt like a good step forward but he was still in this place of not wanting to be in a relationship again and still all about this idea of open relationships, and I tried to cut back on communication when I told him that things felt too much like a relationship with him calling me every night, for them not being one. But I didn't last more than a week because we had plans for a date night on June 9th while I was home for Shazz's wedding. I asked if for my birthday we could get a hotel room and spend the night together and wake up next to each other like a normal couple. He came to first Friday (annual Frisbee league party) with me, met my best friend and some of my other friends, gave me birthday presents (costume jewelry), we went dancing, and then back to the hotel. It was kind of perfect and everything that I want, but I told him the next morning I wasn't sure I was enough for him or that I could make him happy, that non-monogamy scares me. He just kissed my head and didn't say much in response and then we had to check out.
Leading up to me coming home he talked about coming out to Pittsburgh to visit me either the first or second weekend of July, I saw him briefly Monday before I headed back out to Pitt, and he mentioned in such a nonchalant way that he doesn't think he can come visit, that he feels bad leaving his wife alone with the kids for the whole weekend. I talked with me college bestie about it all in the middle of this week about how mad I was that he contacted me before he knew what he wanted and how hard this has been and that I know I deserve more than this situation and that I didn't get divorced to settle and to not feel important, but that I know I'm not ready to give up. She told me cutting him out for a bit didn't mean I was giving up, that it's ok to do what I need to, to protect myself, and maybe in a year or two we can finally try.
Last night his Mom came over to watch the kids today since daycare was closed, so he and his wife got a date night and would be in their room together instead of him sleeping in their guest room. I've been encouraging him to go to therapy and he told me this morning that he had a few epiphanies last night and wanted to use their date night tonight that his Mom so kindly offered, to go to a joint therapy session. I told him that I had spent the night wondering if he and his wife were gonna hook up and how ridiculous of a thing that'd be to get upset about cuz if he should be fucking anyone it should be his wife, and that I spent the early morning thinking that I should block him on my phone because I'm clearly not capable of shutting him out even though I know this situation fucks with my head. He informed me that he found out that his wife's girlfriend is dealing drugs and involved in shady shit in general and that he's no longer ok with her seeing her and that he wants her to stop talking to her and even though he doesn't want it, he thinks it'd be unfair for him to continue talking to me, and that he doesn't want to fuck with my head. I basically told him he was an asshole for contacting me and that he shouldn't have, but that what I said to him 2.5 years ago about if he was ever in a place where him leaving me would be because we weren't right for each other and not circumstances to come and find me, was still true. Told him to focus on his wife and to leave me the fuck alone and that if our someday is still out there, it sure as shit isn't now. He apologized, told me it's hard to think clearly about his life with me around even though he knows we have a great thing. Implored me not to resent him, thanked me for being there for him the last few months and then ended it saying our someday will always be out there, whether we ever get to it or not is what remains to be seen. I replied saying I would miss him, wished him luck and that I was blocking his number. Then I cried, a lot."
I met someone that very night at my housewarming party, and 100% used him as a distraction for the summer. He was great to me, but he fell in love with me...The second night we ever hung out I told him Pittsburgh and everything here is temporary for me, I wish he had believed me.
"I'm not ok today. I know I will be, but right now I really am not and it's very hard to be at work right now.
That Friday night after our last therapy session He told me he and his wife were definitely doing an open relationship while we were out for drinks and I told him to count me out, that I wanted nothing to do with that, and we both cried at the damn table and it was awful. I had plans to get to, so we didn't really get to talk through it all. That Saturday was Shazz's batchelorette party and I texted him very late saying I wasn't ready for goodbye, that I know it's not what I want long term, but we weren't there yet and that I'd deal with it for as long as I could. He came over that Sunday and helped me pack up my kitchen and we talked a lot about how life had been not talking to each other and how he was glad his wife had cheated. He called me very late that Sunday while I was driving back to Pittsburgh to tell me the rest of his Sunday was emotional and that he told his wife he felt like a douche bag and she said she did too and that if they're weren't emotionally involved with their respective others, maybe they could make an open relationship work, but for now they're going back to being separated. So that felt like a good step forward but he was still in this place of not wanting to be in a relationship again and still all about this idea of open relationships, and I tried to cut back on communication when I told him that things felt too much like a relationship with him calling me every night, for them not being one. But I didn't last more than a week because we had plans for a date night on June 9th while I was home for Shazz's wedding. I asked if for my birthday we could get a hotel room and spend the night together and wake up next to each other like a normal couple. He came to first Friday (annual Frisbee league party) with me, met my best friend and some of my other friends, gave me birthday presents (costume jewelry), we went dancing, and then back to the hotel. It was kind of perfect and everything that I want, but I told him the next morning I wasn't sure I was enough for him or that I could make him happy, that non-monogamy scares me. He just kissed my head and didn't say much in response and then we had to check out.
Leading up to me coming home he talked about coming out to Pittsburgh to visit me either the first or second weekend of July, I saw him briefly Monday before I headed back out to Pitt, and he mentioned in such a nonchalant way that he doesn't think he can come visit, that he feels bad leaving his wife alone with the kids for the whole weekend. I talked with me college bestie about it all in the middle of this week about how mad I was that he contacted me before he knew what he wanted and how hard this has been and that I know I deserve more than this situation and that I didn't get divorced to settle and to not feel important, but that I know I'm not ready to give up. She told me cutting him out for a bit didn't mean I was giving up, that it's ok to do what I need to, to protect myself, and maybe in a year or two we can finally try.
Last night his Mom came over to watch the kids today since daycare was closed, so he and his wife got a date night and would be in their room together instead of him sleeping in their guest room. I've been encouraging him to go to therapy and he told me this morning that he had a few epiphanies last night and wanted to use their date night tonight that his Mom so kindly offered, to go to a joint therapy session. I told him that I had spent the night wondering if he and his wife were gonna hook up and how ridiculous of a thing that'd be to get upset about cuz if he should be fucking anyone it should be his wife, and that I spent the early morning thinking that I should block him on my phone because I'm clearly not capable of shutting him out even though I know this situation fucks with my head. He informed me that he found out that his wife's girlfriend is dealing drugs and involved in shady shit in general and that he's no longer ok with her seeing her and that he wants her to stop talking to her and even though he doesn't want it, he thinks it'd be unfair for him to continue talking to me, and that he doesn't want to fuck with my head. I basically told him he was an asshole for contacting me and that he shouldn't have, but that what I said to him 2.5 years ago about if he was ever in a place where him leaving me would be because we weren't right for each other and not circumstances to come and find me, was still true. Told him to focus on his wife and to leave me the fuck alone and that if our someday is still out there, it sure as shit isn't now. He apologized, told me it's hard to think clearly about his life with me around even though he knows we have a great thing. Implored me not to resent him, thanked me for being there for him the last few months and then ended it saying our someday will always be out there, whether we ever get to it or not is what remains to be seen. I replied saying I would miss him, wished him luck and that I was blocking his number. Then I cried, a lot."
I met someone that very night at my housewarming party, and 100% used him as a distraction for the summer. He was great to me, but he fell in love with me...The second night we ever hung out I told him Pittsburgh and everything here is temporary for me, I wish he had believed me.
Comments
Post a Comment