It's a Weak One
Today has been a bit of a struggle...one I'm in serious crampy pain and wish I was just in bed, but I took off Friday so it's kinda inconvenient and at least there's like no one here today anyways, so not the end of the world to not be particularly productive. But it's more so because I'm having a weak day... a day where I wonder can I do this, can I be with someone that already has kids, can I be with someone who hasn't accepted their new reality yet... that latter one will change, I know that, but this transitional period is still really hard. It's also nearly impossible to have an idea of what life will be like when they still fucking live together and have made no decisions about what's next. Sell the house, keep the house, girls with mom most of the time, girls 50/50, what can they afford, what can they handle with limited family locally around to help when they ostensibly become single parents. It's all overwhelming for sure and a lot of me understands the lack in motivation to deal with it all but it's hard being a sideline player in all of this.
There had been threats of her keeping Him from seeing the kids for Christmas after she found out he had finally changed his direct deposit. I honestly don't know what reality she lives in but it seems like she expects everything to stay the same, she just no longer has to pretend to like him and can do whatever she wants with her girlfriend of over a year yet flips a shit anytime he does anything with the bitch (aka me). Luckily for those girls they had Christmas morning together after he took them to his family's Christmas Eve get together, sans the wife, and then she took them to her parents for Christmas and apparently told the rest of her family that He had the flu...cuz that's productive for your life... whatever. So His dad came down and helped him build the big girl beds they got for the girls. I wanted to try and see him last night for a little after being at my older brother's house for dinner but I ended up getting stuck there later than I thought and when I called him to see if he still wanted to meet up and where, he was like would you be mad if I didn't...I wasn't mad... sincerely disappointed and still disappointed. I wish he had his own place... I wasn't up for doing anything either honestly, all I wanted was to crawl into bed next to him, but I think he was also in a funk from spending Christmas alone and didn't want to see me and I think that has hurt my feelings to a degree. We got lunch together today and he basically confirmed he had been in a weird mood but then we needed to head back to the office and I could tell I was upset with him and I don't fully understand it. But I was curt with our goodbye and kept physical contact to a minimum, which is how I get when I'm upset with someone, being touched is literally the last thing I want. And now instead of chatting with him on the office communicator I'm processing my feelings here... I just don't ever want to make things harder than they already are for him. I think I spent a lot of Christmas day daydreaming about next year and wondering if we'd be in a place where maybe he'd be there with me, and was excited that I was going to at least see him, if only for a little when I had thought that I wouldn't. Well I'm not going to see him this weekend at all so maybe that's a good thing. A little space is sometimes healthy.
I really hope this FEMA stuff starts moving forward... the physical distance will definitely take off some of the pressure cuz then we literally can't fit each other into our daily lives and he can focus more energy on figuring out his life and moving forward. It's hard to not feel like a burden when I want to talk about something difficult and I hope when I get back from this adventure he'll have figured more out and made more room for me...
Today is a weak day... one where I wish things were more normal and less complicated...one where I don't feel important and all my insecurities are triggered. Thank god the day will be ending with a Vodka Tuesday for old times sake with Burdman. I'm seriously in need of it.
There had been threats of her keeping Him from seeing the kids for Christmas after she found out he had finally changed his direct deposit. I honestly don't know what reality she lives in but it seems like she expects everything to stay the same, she just no longer has to pretend to like him and can do whatever she wants with her girlfriend of over a year yet flips a shit anytime he does anything with the bitch (aka me). Luckily for those girls they had Christmas morning together after he took them to his family's Christmas Eve get together, sans the wife, and then she took them to her parents for Christmas and apparently told the rest of her family that He had the flu...cuz that's productive for your life... whatever. So His dad came down and helped him build the big girl beds they got for the girls. I wanted to try and see him last night for a little after being at my older brother's house for dinner but I ended up getting stuck there later than I thought and when I called him to see if he still wanted to meet up and where, he was like would you be mad if I didn't...I wasn't mad... sincerely disappointed and still disappointed. I wish he had his own place... I wasn't up for doing anything either honestly, all I wanted was to crawl into bed next to him, but I think he was also in a funk from spending Christmas alone and didn't want to see me and I think that has hurt my feelings to a degree. We got lunch together today and he basically confirmed he had been in a weird mood but then we needed to head back to the office and I could tell I was upset with him and I don't fully understand it. But I was curt with our goodbye and kept physical contact to a minimum, which is how I get when I'm upset with someone, being touched is literally the last thing I want. And now instead of chatting with him on the office communicator I'm processing my feelings here... I just don't ever want to make things harder than they already are for him. I think I spent a lot of Christmas day daydreaming about next year and wondering if we'd be in a place where maybe he'd be there with me, and was excited that I was going to at least see him, if only for a little when I had thought that I wouldn't. Well I'm not going to see him this weekend at all so maybe that's a good thing. A little space is sometimes healthy.
I really hope this FEMA stuff starts moving forward... the physical distance will definitely take off some of the pressure cuz then we literally can't fit each other into our daily lives and he can focus more energy on figuring out his life and moving forward. It's hard to not feel like a burden when I want to talk about something difficult and I hope when I get back from this adventure he'll have figured more out and made more room for me...
Today is a weak day... one where I wish things were more normal and less complicated...one where I don't feel important and all my insecurities are triggered. Thank god the day will be ending with a Vodka Tuesday for old times sake with Burdman. I'm seriously in need of it.
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