The Crazy Fiery Wild One

I hate my stupid heart these days. It doesn't make any sense that I can still love someone as much as I do, when they have been so careless with my heart. I cry so much, it's ridiculous actually. Burdman was making fun of me for it today actually... we hung out last night, first time since early February, I definitely needed it. But I barely drank and was still a mess listening to some of these songs he was playing. I just want to escape the sadness. I didn't want to come back from Miami whatsoever. That trip was amazing, it was so nice to spend a solid amount of time with Shazz and Twinny and to get to know some of the people in Twinny's life. This Friday marked three years of being legally divorced and I paid down the last $3,653 of the $25K that asshole of an ex-husband left me to deal with. It feels so damn good to be done with that, and I just feel so very ready for the next chapter. The Friday before the Miami trip I was with my twin, love monkey, and shazz and ...

So I ended up blocking Him on facebook and on the communicator at work this week. I woke up Tuesday morning to an email from the realtor for this adorable studio in Bryn Mawr saying I'd been chosen by the landlord out of the four applicants and it was just the biggest relief to know I'll be moving out of my parents house and that for the first time in my life I'm going to be living alone and have a space that is all mine. I was so happy and then as I drove to work I felt that usual anxiety start to creep in and after talking it over with Buddha I decided I wasn't doing it out of anger, I was doing it for me. I know I lack the self control to curb those self-inflicted torture sessions, and they are SO bad for me. I also know that I don't want to be just his friend, and I doubt I ever will cuz I think a part of me would always still want more and so that friendship would invariably be disingenuous. On top of that, frankly I don't think He wants to be my friend eit...

"and in that space is our power to choose our response" - Victor Frankl This has been my mindful effort as of late, to not react impulsively like I have most of my life. Not even two minutes after I posted my last entry, He messaged me on the communicator at work. Like I said, the universe is laughing at me. He asked me about how my trip was and we chatted briefly cuz I had to go, Buddah was taking me to get my car from it being inspected. No communication since that...I had a bad week in regards to Him, got really sad about it all a few times, and seriously so on Wednesday night. I'm coordinating a Middle School League for frisbee this spring, how that happened, I'm not entirely sure, but I kinda love it. I needed to make a flyer and so opened up my school laptop with my fancy adobe products and apparently the last time I used it, was to make part of His Christmas gift. Reading the words that I wrote him, and how hopeful I was that we starting something real...made...

That is my goal right now, to do whatever it is I need to make my heart a clean slate. But that's unfortunately hard when I can't seem to fucking escape Him. The house we stayed in in the USVI was his favorite number, the first song he ever shared with me was playing in the background of a commercial when I first got there, a boat in the bay was called "someday came", the child of one of the families staying in our complex had his name. I honestly felt like the universe was laughing at me. We communicated back and forth a bit and He's finally talking to a lawyer. So that's good, at least he's moving forward with his life. Was able to point blank ask if our someday was still out there and all he said was that he really didn't know, that it's hard to think about any future relationships when he's still trying to get out of his marriage. So I told him it's hard to let go of all of this when I still don't know we're not a good fit, but ...