The Crazy Fiery Wild One

Feeling relatively despondent today...checking social media far too often cuz I'm craving attention. I know it's important that I've decided to not use men and sex to sooth me but that coping mechanism was way more fun then the significant amount of time I spend lost in my own thoughts and crying frequently. It's nice having a go to person to talk to about the nothings of your everyday...they very often are whom ever you're currently involved with at whatever level...but also convenience. My best girlfriend at work,  is probably who I talk to the most, almost every day, and then after her maybe Density. Should give her a name though... Buddah feels fitting. Hard to explain but it works on many levels. Today she asked me to put myself in His shoes, all the shit he's dealing with, then add in all the feels I have for him, and then asked me if I would treat Him the way he has treated me and I immediately said never. Because when you love someone, you don't trea...

It's a terrible feeling to miss someone that doesn't miss you. Yesterday was a really good day. Like was genuinely happy pretty much the entire day with a ton of energy. I felt like me, was nice to spend a day in that head space. I saw a house with my parents that I really like, that whole process is moving forward and I was productive at work and got to end the day picking-up for frisbee. I hadn't played a real game since early November and damn do I always forget how fucking happy it makes me.  Saw some people I haven't seen in a long time maybe even a year. It's honestly just been so fucking nice to know I'm not imminently leaving and can start making plans again! Started planning a road trip for August to hit up a bunch of my remaining states, that got me seriously pumped. Bought some concert tickets too, the summer is gonna be a fun one and the last two days of nice weather have been fucking glorious. But right before I was going to bed this guy I saw at fr...

I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel right now, so much of me is at odds with myself. I know that space and distance from Him is what I need but I also fucking hate it. I hate how every day I feel like I know him just a little bit less. I've attempted low key conversations with very minimal response from Him and it's starting to feel like I need to believe what he said last Thursday on the phone, that he doesn't miss me and that I should move on from all of this... That notion is hard to swallow...the stubbornness in me has zero desire to give up on this, but the part of me that is tired of crying over the same fucking person for YEARS now just wants to be free of this. Hardest part about right now is that I keep finding myself in this head-space of feeling like I did something wrong... felt it strong enough to apologize on Valentine's Day and barely got an acknowledgement. I guess there's this part of me that wants things to go back to the beginning of the...

I should have just written this earlier. I knew I needed to get all these thoughts out of my head but was like it's late already with having basketball, just go to sleep. Yet I dicked around on my phone for like four hours doing I don't even know what with some obsessive re-reading of emails and texts with Him thrown in... Wild how sometimes the only person you want to talk to, is the very person who hurt you. I made it a week of being "just a friend" and made it means I cried myself to sleep like 4 nights in a row and was always still waiting to see when he'd have time for me except now I no longer know if he loves me and if I mean anything to him at all so yea... My mental health quickly deteriorated. Went over Burdman's on Thursday to drink and commiserate... And at one point he was like, you've gotta get to a place where you're secure and happy in your life and only let things in that make it better and stop settling for less than you deserve....