The Crazy Fiery Wild One

That's the overwhelming feeling I have right now, defeated. I thought I'd be more sad this weekend, and there were times I was, and last night I cried myself to sleep, but mostly I feel numb and this overwhelming sense of defeat. Perhaps I wasn't fully aware just how hard I was trying at this whole thing, how hard I was working to be ok in a less than ideal situation. It definitely wasn't enough but right now it feels like it was a lot when I'm not really hearing from him at all. Granted he has been sick... but still I guess he really didn't want to be involved with me more than I thought. I'm still trying though, trying to be ok with just being friends, trying to show that it's not weird, but his reactions or lack there of continue to hurt my feelings and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about that. So much of right now, feels like three years ago and it makes me want to sleep forever. Yesterday morning during my drive back from North Jers...

Had a pretty eye opening and frank conversation with my college besties about all the nonsense that is Him... Made me think really hard about what I'm doing. No I don't want him to remain a what if but there's nothing I can do to make him be ready to try being in a real relationship with me and I'm only disrespecting myself for settling for anything less than that. I cried for a while and then I sent him this: A dramatic long email from me! Your favorite... I'm not gonna be able to get through this in person without bawling so honestly this is best. I've definitely had more time to digest all that happened the last few days and while I know we've come to this agreement of a fake long distance relationship to relieve some of the pressure and expectations, I think I'm ready to accept that even that is a bad idea. I hate that even for a second you really thought I'm only in it for the sex cuz you mean so much more than that to me. Hasn't felt ...

Full body sobs today. Last time I cried like that was back in June again because this asshole doesn't know what he wants. I know we both thought we were going to get the space we desperately needed when I left for disaster work and now that's not happening. I know he has been super stressed and very overwhelmed lately with work being crazy on top of the insane that is his life. He has barely had room for me at all. So no I'm not surprised that we're taking a break, but I am surprised that the conversation really went more towards maybe we should just be done. He admitted to no longer being sure he wants to get divorced. I knew it was all still bad timing and that he couldn't offer much, but when he reached back out in August he said he really was sure that his path was the same with or without me. I guess I was stupid to believe that. Certainly feel like an idiot right about now. But I mostly feel devastated. I really believed we were finally on our way to getting...