The Crazy Fiery Wild One

I want to be. I want to be ok. I want to be moved on from everything that has happened, I want to be happy. I want to appreciate all the things I have going on that are so wonderful. For whatever reason though all I can focus on is how lonely I am. It's almost like to some degree I enjoy remembering the love I felt from all these different men and then being consumed by the resulting sadness when I realize how much I miss it. I have so much work to do for WORK and for school and yet I cannot make myself focus. I'm hoping getting my thoughts out will help with that. My car was hit at the end of last month and was FINALLY ready to be picked up today and Phoenix texted me yesterday reminding me one of the plastic crates he'd borrowed for his move was still at his place and I had a bunch of his clothes to give back. Cuz yea, we're over, I was honest with him about my shadiness with Mountain Man and he rightfully was like fuck you get your shit together this is over. So I ...

I went to therapy for the first time since Bow died about a week ago now...I'm trying to take advantage of the free services school offers and I guess I'm finally ready to admit that I need help to be really be ok and process everything that has happened in the last two years.  I only got partially through my convoluted family and up to deciding to get divorced, the therapist was like, "ok we're going to pause this conversation because time is up but I have so many questions" and then we scheduled my next session. But I got upset when talking about my Sailor, and this past weekend a convo with my sister about that level of comfort you get to with someone after years together and living together and then came across some of his baby photos while cleaning my room and I just started to cry. It really is the first time since all of this that I really missed him. And then I heard birdman's voice telling me I made the choice I'm not allowed to be upset about how...